It's A Scene About Me @epcsthoughts-blog - Tumblr Blog

I went to a memorial service with v. It was for a 13 year old girl who sang with v in church. She didn't have cancer, it wasn't an accident, no one knew she was sick. She went to bed, woke up in pain, texted her friend, and either went back to sleep or died right then. Her parents found her in the morning, unresponsive, and took her to the hospital. It was a fucking blood infection. I went with v because she had to sing. I listened to her sing, with the voice of an angel, and listened to almost freshmen, her family, her friends from church, sob. I listened to them tell stories of some innocent little girl who laughed and made everyone happy, who loved to sing. I hugged her mom, who went to hug me without even knowing me. I told her how sorry I am. I listed to v tell me about the girl who wanted to be just like her, who was worried that she'd never get a first kiss. And this isn't about me but this hurt me so much. My sister knew her. I can't imagine losing my sister. They were the same age. She was the age my neighbor was when she died (when I was in 4th grade. I looked at my neighbor and saw this mature older girl, and now I see this girl who's so young. It was one of the saddest things I've ever experienced. It makes me hope that there's a heaven.

I'm messing around w acrylic paint for the first time and I sorta like these

#my art

Another one from last night, also unfinished

I’ll meet you there Where the ocean meets the shore We can drink cough syrup And whisky To forget what we did And remember what we wanted to say We can swallow up the stars, As smoke sputters from our mouths, To pretend that we are infinite But the word forever is meaningless In my gap toothed mouth I vomit the word up Like too strong liquor On an empty stomach I will still try To weave together our mistakes And try to forget the ending to our story But every time I drink cough syrup When I close my eyes I still see you, Staring right back

#my poetry

I wrote a new shitty poem!!! Still unfinished but I actually like this one so far lol

Grown up children On the balcony Smoking cigarettes (L&m red 100s) Leaving lipstick kisses On browned butts Before throwing them over a fence Rotten apples spoil a bunch But two rotting alone Just rot Cars pass, A flood light shines next door Men as drunk as us Stumble down the sidewalk below Singing Caked in dirt on their clothes, Shoes worn thin, Life passing them by, They still sing Across the street The ocean tries to keep the beat Only to be drowned out by the passing cars

#my poetry

I hung out w my "rapist" instead of going to the first hour of class. (It was nice I got hit around and shit) but I told him that j was 14 when they met 😂😂😂 the look on his face lmao

s is lying to me again :////// tuesday she told me she knew where to get h and talked about how people have been fucking w h and shit a lot, so i texted her today asking if she knew where i could get some and she said no? ughhhhhh i dont wanna go on sc or some shit thoooo

well last night i talked to this guy j tried to get alcohol from a year ago. she lied to him about her age and got caught. well apparently she offered me up for alcohol. who tf does that to a person? or to a close friend? especially because her dad ALWAYS had alcohol. like there wasnt a single time when he didnt have a bottle of vodka, and beer at the least. idek what to say about that.im just really upset about it. but i finally blocked her, im done waiting to see what she has to say. she still has some of my stuff, but im going to try messaging her mom about it. fuck her tho.

ok sotoday was great. i was social like all day which is crazy since ive been like doing absolutely nothing half the time. i met up w s at the library, we walked over the bridge and got lunch and starbucks. one of her older friends picked us up, but she didnt feel comfortable driving w two minors in the car so i got dropped off at a’s. s invited me to a drag queen show for when she was done w running around. i went to a’s and honestly it was weird, but soo nostalgic.

its been almost 2 yrs since ive talked to her. nothing really changed since the first time i ever went over for the first time in 8th grade. she hasnt changed at all either. it was really nice, but we are worlds apart now. shes still w jo, she still watches the same youtube stuff, plays the same games, listens to the same type of music, and just everything. and shes still lying. a lot. mostly about the drugs shes used, or at least how often. ive learned all her tells. and she gives me that look when i talk about the pill use, like supposedly using party drugs and psychedelics is so much better than the “hard” drugs. and she lied about her gma having xanax i think? she said she could get it all the time, but when i mentioned it all of a sudden its like locked up and hidden. i just know her well enough to know when to call bullshit.

and honestly we’re just worlds apart now. like i went on my path, and she stayed right on track, not changing at all. and what seemed slightly immature then seems really immature now. like lots of dick songs and shit like that. and so much onision. shes still friends w all the same people, and doing all the same shit. like we still have that connection, but we’re two totally different people now. im not that scared timid person anymore. like in fight club, i met her at a very strange time in my life. i had a restrictive ed, lost all my friends after my mom busted me smoking, was totally sober, and was just a shell of a person. when i started talking to her again i was dabbling in drugs again occasionally, had just gotten out of a very abusive relationship, and was just beginning to form who i am now. she coaxed me into another abusive relationship, and then just totally stabbed me in the back. and since then ive just totally changed. i feel older, i feel just different. ik she can tell. even her mom can tell. i can tell what her mom thinks of me now too. a mustve told her some shit. idk i just feel like we’re way too different now.

but we both did go to see the show. it was pretty great. it was nice seeing s too. like wow things have changed soo much. i dont really want to get into that. i dont like thinking about j. but im p sure s still has a thing for me. just the way she was hugging me, and how she paid for like food and coffee without a second thought. and how she complemented me.

im depressed after writing this now.

im talking to s again because why tf not ya know? she messaged me on my main and were chilling tomorrow. shes supposedly sober, but well thats not always the case w her. im also chilling w a soon, who idt ive talked about. but anyways its just been a few days of throwbacks.

in otther news a kid ive known since 6th grade died last night and im really god damn sad about it. he was just a really good person and fuck man. just rip.

my body image is total shit rn. i tried to take selfies, but all i can see is how wide my face has gotten and how much fat i have under my chin. its terrible but sometimes i miss being in the depths of my ed. like i was pretty underweight. and even until last summer when i got fully weight restored was better than this. but the constant stream of anti depressants and anti psychotics and the lack of vyvanse are making it so much worse, on top of the fatigue and lack of motivation. im hoping i lose a little weight once im in school again. and i hope that the new dr will prescribe me vyvanse again, since i wont see the other one for like forever. im totally done w the celexa. like i just hate the way i look so fucking much rn, its terrible. i look terrible

its so comforting to think about losing weight and to know that the number on the scale is going down (not that im looking yet) i just want to be able to try on my old size 2s and have them fit. begining of sopmore year i was a 5-6 (half recovered) now im an 8-9 and i hate it. i remember crying when i got down to the underweight side of the spectrum and now im on the overweight side. im going to lose weight.

shes already cancelling on me. im trying not to get pissed but she did cancel a lot before everything went down and honestly idk if i even trust her rn. idek. i just really needed a friend again but idk if it will work.

so j messaged me again i dont want to get into it but i think things will be ok. maybe not now but eventually once whatever happened blows over.

upset？

nah

I fucked up. I really did. I'm honestly just ready to die now in a way I haven't been before. I really think I was supposed to be dead by now. I'm so fucking cold. I can't do this anymore

Honestly I'm real torn between killing myself and running away. It feels kinda pathetic to run away when you only have 6 months left until you leave. And I can't bring myself to commit to killing myself while I'm still waiting for that God damn reply.

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