[erin5560]

It’s a very strange feeling having to be in the middle and in between two stubborn people with restrained anger, knowing that the restraint exists because they care deeply about each other, but their stubbornness stops them from wanting to take the first step to rekindle the fractured relationship, because taking the first step means showing that they care. Deeply strange, and sad.

[pierppasolini]

Happy Together (1997) // dir. Wong Kar-wai

[bloomingsalma]

okay, but, like, I feel like we need to emphasize more on how important it is to have a partner you can just talk to. I was telling this to someone the other day, but Hollywood and media focuses so much on sexual tension and explosive passion in a relationship, and while those are completely valid and understandable things for certain, not all, people to desire (even I myself do), I feel like there’s barely enough light casted onto the value of being able to converse with your partner and relish in their company even in the most neutral discussion. I can barely count how many films, particularly romance ones, have emphasized on the importance and value of being able to speak to a partner like they are your close friend, and being able to absolutely adore their company, and engage in conversation with them about anything and everything, even if it isn’t romantic. Lexi and Fez, Aristotle and Dante, Marianne and Heloise, Jesse and Celine, Connell and Marianne. so many people adore these couples because they showcase such a human, genuine connection through conversation. Lexi and Fez discussing God and the backlash of social media. Aristotle and Dante’s talks on finding identity and how life feels better when the shoes are kicked off. Marianne and Heloise debating over what it meant when Orpheus turned around, and the release found within music. Celine speaking to Jesse about how the media is controlling our minds and how she thinks she really loves someone when she can detect every detail of them, Jesse speaking to Celine about when he saw his deceased grandmother in the sprinkle of a hose and the things he remembers his parents having said to him. Connell and Marianne sitting under the summer sun, eating ice cream, discussing the differences in their class and how money can be simultaneously corrupt and indescribably appealing. all of these couples have made me realize how while passionate kisses under the rain and loud proclamations of your love for someone are valuable for certain people, it is also inexpressibly important to find someone who you can linger in the passenger seat for just to hear what they thought about the movie you watched last night. someone who you take your time putting your shoes on for just to hear about the physical sensation they got when the second last line of your favourite song reverberated through their headphones.

[erin5560]

honestly need to write and document my life more

[erin5560]

there’s so much i want to do. i want to watch films, i want to read my books, i want to go out for dinners with friends. but for some reason all i want to genuinely do is cry my heart out. and i can’t even do that.

[periodedits]

IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE (2000) dir. Wong Kar-wai

[luntfontanne]

Hey loving all of your 'Everything Everywhere All at Once posts. Say what do you think of the scene where we see Waymond dance with Rick and saying he is an actor, and Evelyn should try to get into the local theater. Do you think Waymond was always trying to encourage Evelyn to continue to pursue her dreams, but she couldn't even hear his pep talks and support because she had frown so frustated with the state of her relationship with Joy? And that frustation, sadness, anger, etc inevitably affected her marriage?

actually i don't think that's it at all! they're definitely connected but i think it's a different causation/correlation than what you've described. sorry this is going to be long because this is a really interesting point and i'm gonna get into it…

to me, i don't think the state of her relationship with joy is what caused the difficulties with her marriage or her inability to pursue any other dreams, but in fact those were all symptoms of the same thing—the thing at the root of it all imo is the fact that, for a lot of chinese immigrant families (probably other immigrant families as well), many of us live our lives in almost a constant state of anxiety and desperation to simply survive. to just make it through. i just suddenly thought of that quote from station eleven, "survival is insufficient," and how that is very much the exact opposite of the worldview that was explicitly drilled into my head from a young age—to my parents, and to some extent to me still to this day, survival is all we can hope for. all we can do is make the best of the situations we are given, to not take unnecessary risks, to make the smartest and most calculated choice to avoid inevitable looming catastrophe. to make it through every day. any more than that is asking too much, is too greedy, is dangerous.

and especially for first-generation immigrants like evelyn or my own parents, the idea of "following your dreams" is a completely ludicrous and foreign idea, one that is very american (derogatory). they came here with so little and had no blueprint for a path forward and so little idea of what was even possible for them in this entirely new world that all they thought they could possibly hope for was to build some sort of foundation in order to allow their children a little more safety than they themselves had—not freedom to pursue their dreams, but security to at least never suffer the way previous generations have. it's weird because so many of our parents came here in pursuit of some vague nebulous idea of an american dream that was sold to them, but imo they don't conceptualize it in the same way—even though the only goal they had was to provide a better life for their children, it still doesn't make sense for them if their children have a different / "more american" view of what that dream means, or what it even means to have a dream beyond what is right in front of you and the bare minimum it takes to survive in the least risky, most secure way possible.

there are some ways in which evelyn is very markedly different from my parents, specifically in that she did make one choice for herself, which was to go to america with waymond and marry for love. and that's why that choice was such a huge inflection point in her life in the whole multiverse of it all—obviously the choice to immigrate, as i've talked about before, is probably THE biggest possible choice that anyone can possibly make that will affect not only their own life but the lives of their children and everyone who comes after, but for evelyn specifically it's also the one time she really noticeably went against her father's wishes and against the safer, more pragmatic path, and instead made, as i mentioned earlier, a selfish choice. something just for her own happiness. something based on her feelings and not What Was Best. and i think there is a lot of guilt and anxiety that she carries from that still, that we see in her relationship with her father, her behavior overall and the way she lives and perceives her life, and how the multiverse manifests itself. imo she carries this idea that she kind of both needs to make up for that selfishness by working extra hard and not veering from the completely unselfish single-minded pursuit of survival, and to also prove to her father that she did not make a mistake.

my parents very much did not marry for love. romantic love, honestly, is not even really a concept in their vocabulary or their entire worldview. to them and a lot of folks in their generation, marriage was again about security, about building a life and a partnership, about duty, about sharing the load, but in no way about something so vague and emotional and flighty as "love." honestly it was just something you did because you were supposed to do it. and it's part of why, i think, to a lot of folks in my parents' generation, something like being gay makes no sense to them. because it is a selfish decision, to come out and choose to live your life based on that, it is something that is driven purely by your inner feelings. it makes no sense from their perspective because it makes your life harder than it needs to be. and what's the tradeoff? love? happiness? what is happiness if not safety and security and food on the table and not having to worry—all things that, objectively, are more accessible for couples in traditional heterosexual partnerships. do not rock the boat. simply survive. (obviously there is still a healthy dose of garden variety homophobia involved, but imo that also stems from a cultural expectation to follow the path that is set out for you. to be "normal," for your own good.)

to me waymond is an anomaly. i know a lot of people who are like evelyn. even with the one big choice she made that stands out to me, i still see my parents and myself in her. waymond, however, is entirely unfamiliar. i'm not sure if i know anyone in my family's communities who views and approaches life the way he does. in some ways, waymond is almost a miracle. a mythical figure. and i think that's the role he plays in the film. the one who is open to love, who is open to dreaming, to celebrating and valuing small selfish personal feelings, to the impractical pursuit of joy and happiness for happiness's sake and no other purpose. his thesis that he states throughout the film is about kindness, most obviously kindness to those around him that bridges divides and solves seemingly insurmountable problems, but upon reflection i think what makes him so powerful is the capacity he has for kindness to himself.

and that is why at the start of the film, evelyn cannot see him, brushes him off as her silly husband who always does silly meaningless little things that serve no purpose. that dismissiveness that pushes waymond to file for divorce comes not from a place of anger or malice, but from how hard she is on herself, the standard she holds herself to in order to prove her worth and make up for her own decisions / perceived mistakes in the past, and how closed off she is to her own emotions and even the possibility for her own happiness or anything greater, even in the tiniest ways, than the life she has built, to the point where she simply cannot comprehend waymond's worldview anymore. it's the same wedge that has driven itself between her and joy (though tbh i think joy is built much more similarly to evelyn than waymond is, and we see that expressed throughout the film). this is something that i see every single day in so many people that i've known, myself included, but ultimately it's evelyn herself—her fears and her desperation for and resignation to mere survival—that ends up isolating her from everyone else. she thinks in the beginning that the choices waymond and joy have made to be a little bit selfish, to prioritize personal happiness, have made their lives harder, more risky, but the Point of the film is that those choices are what make life worth living.

[andredwagner]

des, chicago 2013

[erin5560]

so fucking bitterly upset

[i-just-want-to-destroy]

Fallen Angels (1995) dir. Wong Kar-wai

[pierppasolini]

Fallen Angels (1995) // dir. Wong Kar-wai

[erin5560]

I’ve been so anxious this past week it’s exhausting.

[erin5560]

okay today I’ve learned that I’m just not fond of studying/working past midnight. my brain just involuntarily short-circuits whenever the clock hits 12 and I feel physically incapable of getting any work done lol

[filmswithoutfaces]

The Gleaners and I (2000) dir. Agnès Varda

[erin5560]

finished all my work and study to do lists. going to focus on finishing off university application work on the list before wrapping things up and continue with Woolf’s book!

[cinemastuff]

Memories of Murder (2003, dir. Bong Joon-ho)

[filmswithoutfaces]

Toccata and Fugue in D Minor Fantasia (1940)