wound
it's now 3.15am and i guess i picked the worst time to do an inner child healing sesh. i was just reminded to do it cus of a musicbox version of Queen's Love of My Life.
it reminded me of my fav Mulan musicbox that my parents got me from the disney shop.
i had been reluctant to do the mom wound work because I love my mom. i love her so much, I know it would hurt me greatly. i thought moving out fixed our relationship, but it was just distance that kept me safe.
nothing was actually healed.
i did the work today and found that deep down, I remembered everything. like it just happened yesterday. like time has never passed. i guess this is what they mean when they say certain memories do get trapped within you.
i loved moments of when it was just my mom and I. i loved it when she picked me up after childcare.
i loved the smell of fried fish even though I hated eating that. she would tell me how tired she was from work and how she had to lug herself to pick me up and do housework. like any young single mom, it's fair to complain and grumble, but I guess I took it to heart.
so i learned to help her with food prep. it was xiao bai cai. i learned to pluck them apart and wash them for her.
whenever she told me her stories and how sad she was about my dad, I told her "I will look after you" and "you have me".
i might have just been 5~7, but I was old enough to remember. i was old enough to know I meant it. i didn't know how, but I said it with the certainty of an adult.
i wanted to grow up fast. go to a good school. be as strong as sailormoon so I could be dependable enough for my mom.
i thought it was innate that i could never remember bad memories, and I thought it was a blessing, especially for someone like me who remembers lines, lyrics, weird details off books, movies, songs even after decades.
i learned today that perhaps i had just been blocking them out.
because i do remember them when i try.
i remember the day that i felt the most betrayed. i was just 8 or 9. I didn't like the man that my mom was seeing.
she told me she didn't like him either and he was just a friend. though she's never had friends come over that frequently before, I chose to believe her words. as long as it came from her, I would believe her.
that day was etched so deeply in my head that It makes me sick to this day.
but what hurt me most was her choosing him, even though she knew I didn;t like him. even when shes told me before that I was her baobei and that she would always choose me. that I was enough for her.
我有你就够了 was what she used to say.
ive written her letters to express my anger and sadness multiple times, but I could never stay mad at her for too long. she would hug me. be nice to me. but chose to marry him.
she lied because it was easier to deal with a kid.
she chose a man who loved her because it was for her own happiness.
she still loved me very much. and I guess we both thought it was alright as long as this didn't change.
im realizing today that my abandonment wound might be from her.
it wasnt that i didnt want her to be happy, I remember one of my letters, I had written that I was upset because she didn't believe that I loved her and could look after her, be with her.
i swept my hurt under the rug because family don't stay mad at each other for long. i had held the pain and angst throughout the years of living under one roof.
now that im older, im thankful for her husband, and I'm glad now that shes made her choice. because I do want her to be taken care of, and as an adult, the real partner is your husband, not your kid.
i don't blame her. this is the first time she's a mom, too. she was young. alone. she did the best she could to her best ability. there was no google. she didn't have a lot of friends to talk about this to.
living through my rage and unhappiness during that time was tough on her too.
but
i cannot sweep this under the rug once more just because adult amanda gets it.
it is still a fact that the kid in me is hurt by it. so hurt by it that she remembers.
so hurt by it that she's developed patterns in her adulthood.
so if no adult could really be there for her, stand up for her, choose her, then let me be the one.
she didnt need an adult to explain the adult world to her. she's only a fucking kid. why does everybody expect her to be mature enough to understand her mom, AT 8? the kid is hurt, so love the kid and comfort her as anyone would - why did no one think to do that for me???
im writing it all here not to bring shame to my mom, or to make a case out of her.
i need it typed out so i can be clearer on how I should go about talking to my inner child about this. cus when I did my usual exercise in an attempt to talk about this, I didn't know where to start.
it was just by butt hurt adult self, sitting next to a confused kid, on the same bed I had slept on for 20 over years.
i did well today. i will do better tomorrow. since I've opened this can of worms, I'll follow through and do the work.
theres nothing to fear. i am now the adult that my 8 year old self can depend on.
