EscapingToMyDreams

Who are we really

[escapingtomydreams]

Upon this ledge I stand,

Ready to take the leap.

Past the point of no return,

That is what I believed.

Alone within this dark,

With no one but myself.

I felt such cold loneliness,

Like nobody could help.

I screamed and I raged,

And I banged against the walls.

The doom I’d brought myself,

Within it I’d been caught.

So many years it chipped away,

Till hollow was my soul.

A shell was all twas left behind,

As time had taken its toll.

Until one day by chance,

I went and made a change.

And the soul I found it’s seems,

Heals in mysterious ways.

A simple hello it seems,

Brought some light into my world.

It changed the dreary place I’m in,

Gosh it’s hard to put in words.

As time fly by more worlds came in,

And colour it did spill.

My life was bleak and shallow,

It was beautiful it seems.

Each day no longer seemed so hard,

And smiles were to be hard.

No longer was just doom and gloom,

But good times I have had.

So as I sit back on this ledge

A calmer feeling to bear.

I smile as I remember,

The people who brought me here.

One look back down upon the ledge,

That has been here all my life.

Maybe it’s time to take a chance,

Try and live without the strife.

I look out behind me,

At the colour now in my world.

My time it seems has changed,

No longer greys in every single swirl.

The ledge will always be in my life,

Of that part I am sure.

But now thanks to the others,

My life it has become more. . .

[escapingtomydreams]

So close to jumping off the edge,

One breath from giving up.

So sick of all the tears I’ve shed,

Why is it never enough.

I bite the skin I tear my flesh,

In hopes to feel alive.

Never alone inside my head,

Why do I even fight.

I no longer want to do this,

The will to fight is done.

Surrounded by the darkness.

I no longer feel like me.

They says there’s light to help you fight,

But where has my light gone.

Left alone instead inside my head,

I’m done with being tough.

[escapingtomydreams]

These thoughts that stir,

Won't let me rest,

They circle round,

Despite my best.

They will not stop,

Won't let me be,

These thoughts inside,

Have captured me.

So dark so still,

A teardrop falls,

From where it comes,

I cannot call.

I close the door,

And throw the key,

The silence now,

It comforts me.

[escapingtomydreams]

WARNING SUICIDIDAL THEMES, POSSIBLE TRIGGER THEMES, CAUTION BEFORE READING,

It is just fiction but still wanted to put the warning up first.

The blond girl stared out the window from her seat, softly placing her hand on the window as she came to a sharp decision. A single tear rolling down her cheek as she lifted herself from the seat, her feet moving almost in a mechanical way, automatic but emotionless, as if the girl was no there. She reached her hand towards the door as the speed approached 100. She breathed deeply as she pried the doors open, looking at the world flashing by, smiling she released her grip on the rail. She took that step forward smiling blissfully as she closed her eyes. The onlookers watched in shock and horror as the smiling blond jumps from the bus. A moment of silence passes before a high pitched scream occurs. The girl barely hears it as everything starts to fade away. She sheds a tear as blood pours from her lips, the pain turns to numbness as her body begins to feel heavy. She looks up her eyes unfocused as says ‘thankyou’, she looks at the sky as the blackness slowly takes away her vision and closes her eyes, her chest painful and heavy, rising and falling, slower and slower till finally her body lay still. In the distant background behind the muttering of the crowd you can her the sound of sirens but they come to late, she never planned on being saved.

Sorry for those who don’t enjoy it

Kudos for those who do,

Don’t really mind either way just like to write honestly, sad stuff, happy stuff, and in this case, dark stuff

Enjoy

[escapingtomydreams]

Anxiety that grows,

Like waves upon the sand.

Despair that swells,

As it tears across the lands.

Bones that break apart,

Brittle like shards of glass.

Even when mended and healed,

Those seams forever will last.

Bonds of family break,

Never to repair again.

As one slips away,

Leaving others bereft again.

Tensions rise and flow,

As some come to grieve and mourn.

But anger flows in its wake,

Along with envy and scorn.

We stand as support for each other,

To weather what we have been through.

To stand strong when one does falter,

As that’s what family’s do.

Things do not come by easy,

And sometimes we are caught of guard.

Whenever we think life is breezy,

Reality hits us hard.

A fall at work left me broken,

My arm still on the mend.

As my mental health declines,

With each day at home I spend.

My father lost his mum,

And sadly his chance to grieve,

As his sisters turned it into a farce,

Ruining that yester eve.

My Aunt just lost her pet,

Who she had for some many years.

He was quite the quirky dog,

But his love made you feel at ease.

Thankfully nature is not cruel,

And does not dish out just bad,

She has also given me good,

To which I am glad to add.

I Finally got a job,

Working with kids like I love.

A fun and loving place,

With animals also to be had.

My sister and her wife,

A joyous year the last.

Gave birth to my nephews,

The identical little lads.

My sister and her husband,

To have so been blessed.

A house to call their own,

A place my unborn niece will rest.

The world can be cruel,

Sometimes she can be kind.

Sometimes it’s like your a turning top,

That just gets spun around.

The road that twists and turns,

The journey never seeming to end.

Sometimes rocky hills,

Sometimes a smooth bend.

When bad thing happen,

I look down at my feet.

As the scuffs upon my shoes,

Shows the bad times I do meet.

When my life is light,

I look up to the sky.

To see the shimmering starts,

My hopes that do burn bright.

This shows that life is not all bad,

That sometimes it highlights to good times we have had.

So if it’s tough and your down on your luck,

It’s okay to look down at your feet, but don’t forget to look up.

[escapingtomydreams]

The pain inside my heart,

The knife inside my soul,

Leaves me with a painful urge,

That I cannot always control.

Once again I have slipped,

And in despair I do find,

Things that do haunt my dreams,

And make me lose my mind.

The little hope that I had wrangled,

Disappeared in just a flash,

And then all I am left with,

Is a world dark and pitch black.

My brain registers the pain.

As the guilt comes trickling in,

As a promise I have broken,

In this world that I live in.

So I grab hold onto that promise,

And keep it close within my heart,

I hope that with its strength,

It will help me through the dark.

[escapingtomydreams]

Inside my brain,

Inside my soul,

There are many facets,

That I cannot control.

My general is one,

Who is always calm,

Plays the part of tactician,

And analyses the data I farm.

Another is the mediator,

Who tries to find peace,

To find a good balance,

Between the general and the beast.

One who I know little,

Resides deep in my soul,

I call it the beast,

Because it I can’t control.

I feel really imbalanced,

And I feel quite confused,

To sometimes hear from three perspectives,

Is hard and kinda painful it’s true.

The tactician I prefer,

As I look in from the outside,

At the problems that I face,

To find where the answered do reside.

The mediator is hard,

And is often off balance,

But it’s presence is needed,

Even though it does not quite make sense.

The beast is impossible,

And feels so out of control,

Ruled purely by emotion,

And will not listen or follow it’s role.

These parts are all me,

Even if understand them I do not,

These facets of myself,

Stuck here in my thoughts.

[escapingtomydreams]

A heart that’s broken and cracked,

Covered in tape staples and glue,

Seem to hold it all together,

Though the shape is not quite true.

The girl whose heart was broke,

Hands covered in cuts and blood,

As she gathered all the pieces,

Of her shattered broken heart.

She pieced it back together,

Then hid it behind her walls,

Because she felt that it was fragile,

As she tried to protect it all.

But still she wants to share,

The passion in her heart,

But her insecurities did bind her,

As it tore her apart.

She feels like she is ugly,

Like she does not deserve true love,

And she should be grateful for what she gets,

No matter how cruel or harsh.

But now she does wonder,

And hopes she worth more than she believes,

And just maybe someone will love her,

The way she wishes in her dreams.

But still she is quite stuck,

Still does not quite believe,

Because she is not pretty,

Can she hope beyond her dreams.

But still she wants to reach,

To offer her broken and battered heart,

For she has so much to give,

Even though the pain of her past.

But still she fears,

Because she is broken and scarred,

Could someone truly love her,

And help her see through her the trauma of her past.

[escapingtomydreams]

I look out upon the battlefield,

At the end of another day,

Each side fighting to win,

Till a draw it seems was made.

I look down at my sword,

My companion tried and true,

Covered in the blood,

Of the foes that it tore through.

The enemies I’m fighting,

On this endless battlefield,

Enemies of changing faces,

Armed with weapons to make me yield.

I begin to clean my blade,

As I think back on the day,

What can I change,

So it won’t end up this way.

I cut through so much fear,

I kicked out at the doubt,

I grappled with the anxiety,

But terror almost wiped me out.

As I lean back on the rock,

My sword now clean and sheathed,

I wince as I do pull,

At the wounds that I received.

The fight was going well,

Till terror came and stepped in,

Grown once again in height,

With a plan in mind to win.

It had battered at my hope,

And had put cracks in my walls,

And if not for that misstep,

I might not be here at all.

With a shine of hope I blinded,

And with determination I did slice,

And was able to inflict a wound,

But not without a price.

As I begin to clean my wounds,

I lean forward and sigh,

Tomorrow the war begins again,

But for now there’s peace in the night sky

[escapingtomydreams]

The trembling in my heart,

The howling in my soul,

The despair that I do feel,

It all does take a toll.

Some answers I have found,

Give clarity and truth,

But it does not take back the hurt,

Or what I have been through.

The horror and the agony,

Of the past tainted and black.

The darkness that still surrounds me,

And the struggles to keep it back.

I try to remember,

That there are those worse off than me,

And though I do not wish to leave this world,

The despair won’t leave me be.

I want to fight on past this,

And not let the darkness win,

I want to become happy,

Escape the cycle that I’m in.

But it’s hard to win a war,

While there’s only me upon the field,

Fighting back my fears,

Desperate not to give in and yield.

Inside I am screaming,

Someone come help me please,

But outside I push them away,

Scared of tainting them with my fears.

I am scared I will hurt them,

Because I do not understand,

So instead I push away,

And try the best I can.

I wish I could get past this,

To communicate without fear,

To speak to them with clarity,

To stop the pain and tears.

But still it does not work,

So inside I do bemoan,

Standing on a bloodstained battlefield,

As I continue the fight alone.

[escapingtomydreams]

The beating in my heart,

And the urging in my soul,

Makes every day feel empty,

And makes me feel like I’m not whole.

Each day I do remember,

The fun that I did have,

Each day I see a memory,

Of things that were not bad.

But I also remember fear,

And the worry and all the doubt,

Wondering what I did wrong,

Till the day I was left out.

I miss working with the kids,

I miss the joy I had,

And part of me does hope,

That next time won’t be so bad.

[escapingtomydreams]

The clock that I do watch,

As in the dark I lie awake,

Stuck here with my thoughts,

For the sleep I cannot partake.

As the clock strikes once again,

I look upon my hand,

As the thoughts that cause me pain,

Hit me like waves upon the sand.

Just like an hourglass,

My thoughts keep slipping through,

My head that feels so full,

Cannot get a break it’s true.

Just when I think it’s done,

The hourglass does spin,

Till all the sand is up again,

And this hell does again begin.

The horror when I’m asleep,

And the horror when I’m awake,

Can be too much to bear,

As there is only so much I can take.

As the night does linger on,

And the darkness creeps on in,

I am left with no choice,

But to wallow from what is within.

These thoughts do cause me tears,

These thoughts do cause me pain,

And no matter what I try,

Each attempt to stop it is in vain.

When the horrors get to much,

And I escape into my dreams,

They do begin to manifest,

And my nights fill up with my screams.

I can’t escape them there,

And I can’t escape them here,

The thoughts inside my head,

There is no escape from them I fear.

This vicious cycle that I’m in,

The thoughts that torment me and my dreams,

To live each day like this,

Is harder than it seems.

[escapingtomydreams]

The clock that is our life,

As the hands do spin around,

Our life as it goes past,

As every chime does sound.

We are all like clocks,

And sometimes we do break,

Depending on the damage,

More time to recover it does take.

Each tick in all our lives,

Is a memory we do make,

Each tock that echos in,

We sometimes wish we could erase.

The scratches on the grain,

The nicks upon the side,

The slightly off tune sound,

Shows the life that's lived inside.

Each one shows what we've been through,

Each turn shows that we survived,

The gears that stubbornly turn,

Show that we are still alive.

[escapingtomydreams]

The feeling in my fingers,

That runs down to my toes,

This pen that’s in my hand,

Writes the word that’s in my soul.

The connection that they have,

The pictures that I see,

Unless it is clear,

A link there cannot be.

These words are my salvation,

These poems are my release,

They help to calm my soul,

And bring some clarity and peace.

But the process isn’t easy,

If the image is not clear,

Like looking through a frosted glass,

To try and see what’s near.

It is like trying to catch smoke,

As it slithers through the hands,

Unless I have some clarity,

I cannot understand.

But once understanding begins to bloom,

My brain does give a nudge,

It almost makes my fingers twitch,

As through my mind the words do flood.

Sometimes this can take days,

For a picture to truely form,

And if I try to force it,

It becomes battered and torn.

The frustration that builds,

The sorrow I can’t control,

The emotions bottled up,

All that take their toll.

But as my words flow through this pen,

And right onto this page,

It helps to shed some light so true,

And helps me through this maze.

As words fly onto paper,

This pen becomes the key,

Each line helps turn the lock,

As these poems set me free

[escapingtomydreams]

This game is my escape,

This music is my home,

These words that I write,

Are the way to my soul.

In the land of game I hide,

Escape from myself,

I become someone else,

And put my fears on the shelf.

Music is my home,

Where the waves crash on the sand,

My feelings put at ease,

As I listen to the sound.

These words are a key,

A glimpse into my soul,

With turmoil and unease,

And scars that take their toll.

Each bit is a part,

Each bit don’t you see,

Each bit is important,

For each bit is me.

[escapingtomydreams]

These things that are happening,

These things that I feel,

And though hard to express,

They are still quite real.

I do feel quite blue,

In the time I have here,

As an action I loved,

I feel I should fear.

Most people use words,

To express how they feel,

But when I used them,

They did not feel quite real.

So through actions I sought,

To help my emotions cross,

Through a large door,

Whose key I had lost.

An action of mine,

That brings me much joy,

Is to share with others,

And that is no ploy.

But now it does seem,

It does not feel quite right,

As I get teased,

And now gone is that light.

I know it’s a joke,

I know they mean well,

But to call me a sucker,

Well that doesn’t feel swell.

To me that action,

It was a way to show care,

And to share with others,

Made me happy and not scared.

So to have myself teased,

On a part of me I hold dear,

It makes me feel sad,

And makes me feel tears.

Spoken words I can’t express,

In person these notes I cannot give,

These actions I have,

Are my way to live.

[escapingtomydreams]

The rain that falls,

The wind that blows,

As nature moves around.

Makes one feel small,

Their troubles bleak,

As thunder claps its sound.

But still we wallow,

And still we fall,

Into the thoughts of mind so dark.

It makes it hard,

To escape that ground,

And again to see that spark.

So here we stay,

As here we’re stuck,

With no way to return.

We miss the warmth,

Of nature’s heart,

And for that we do so yearn.