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Wayne bought me VS bras and panties!! And today while in Virginia City HB called him my boyfriend lol (twice, like to prove a point haha but whatever!) and Wayne kissed me with his whole family sorta kinda near by! What a great day for my relationship
His coworker came to the door while we were watching Dragons, and while it pissed him off he actually FINALLY said āIām watching a show with my girlfriendā. GIRLFRIEND! Only been years in the making š„¹
Last night was good I think. I got to touch him in ways heās never felt and he did the same to me. I pray it strengthened our bond as Iāve been asking for. We have an anniversary finally, June 28th. Iām happy.
Iām so lonely. I didnāt expect this. Iām so touch deprived. So love deprived. So goddamn affection deprived. Never did I ever expect this. Never in our three years long distance relationship did I think this would be the in-person reality. I donāt know if it was always going to be like this, or if I fucked up and caused this.
Did it change because Iām fat? Because I ate hotdogs for breakfast? All the Ons I left around? The toothpicks? My feet being dirty and my toes spaced apart? Did any of that cause him to not want to show me affection and love? I must have turned him off. I became so grotesque that even a blowjob from me he easily rejected.
I miss love. I miss someone being in love with me. I miss a hand on my lower back when in public. I miss a peck on the lips when I arrive or live. I miss someone proudly introducing me as āmy girlfriendā. What on earth did I do wrong?
I was so sure he wanted me. Round and round for years, for multiple trips we went. Ending with him begging for me. Why does everything heās said a year ago feel like a joke? The things heās said are so far fetched now I couldnāt even imagine sending him his own words; the response would break me.
Perhaps this is it. Getting me here, fulfilling my dream. Maybe his disinterest is because this ārelationshipā isnāt necessarily. It breaks my heart to think of that but it seems to be a likely possibility. Just maybe he is a stepping stone, and that is why I am so lonely with him. Maybe that is why he has changed so much.
I am so tired of loving someone who does not want to love me back.
He bought me the stinky cheese man book the other week and planned a fun night for us. That was 2 weeks ago almost. We havenāt spoken much this week. Iām sad. Feels like heās pulling away.
Last night he held my face and kissed me and my nose and my forehead and told me āI love youā.
He said I was important to him too. He just needs time to get over the issues he was left with after A.
I had a bad week over Babycat being sick and getting in trouble at work and was sad over it all and not being able to sleep at Wayneās this weekend. So he suggested we get dinner Friday night which I agreed and he picked Chinese :3 even talked HB into not being upset over it. The bar is set really low for him but this raised it. It was the perfect thing.
He came by this morning to bring me some things I forgot and before he left he kissed me
He noticed I was sighing earlier. It was over COD but still so cute he noticed.
Last night I texted him to get his attention and he didnāt even read it, he saw I was awake and came right to me :3
Oh and! I told him the insurance company accidentally put him as a co applicant on the policy and he wasnāt even mad. I thought for sure heād be like āwell get me off of it!ā But he just said āwhy? I donāt really care either wayā. That made me happy
He got my cat out of the tree and he ran me to the Hatchery to get an ethernet cord <3_<3
He said every thing is okay, weāre okay. I just have to stick it out
He loves me, I hope. I sent that to him and he said awe š
I'm so lonely. And now I'm scared, about the house and the stability of my job. I wish Wayne would go back to normal. I know me getting drunk and upset isn't helping but I'm hurting and don't know how to handle it. Maybe this is his normal? Maybe the man I fell in love with just doesn't exist and it was all made up in my head. For 3 years. But it hurts to be in some sort of relationship with a man who isn't like the one I fell for when the relationship itself lacks any sort of relationship-esque qualities. Like wtf are we doing here? Why did you ask me to come here? I feel like I'm emotionally stuck, or trapped. I can't stand being in a relationship like this, void of any love. Last night I prayed for something I haven't in a long time, I prayed for God to let me fall out of love with him.
20 more days...
Halloween was ok. Spent it mostly alone. But at the end he took me to hang out with Korrin and Red and Ron and Alley. Everyone was drunk but me, which was weird. At first I thought thatād mean I would get lucky tonight but immediately when alone he starts talking about HB needing to fight cause some kids made fun of him or something. So that instantly means I donāt exist tonight.
They were talking about plans tomorrow night - had no idea what they were on about. I even asked Wayne earlier what his plans for tomorrow were and he just said hunting lol guess not.
24 more days :/
I think we had a good talk last night, we'll see. Still thinking he'll break up with me after I move out haha
EEEP WE ARE GOING TO THE SPOOKY MUSEUM THING