Filling Other's Buckets. Does Mine Need to be Full First?
One of the strongest predictors of success in mental health counseling is the Therapeutic Alliance which includes three aspects:
Students and mental health workers often focus most on the importance of the Relationship, saying that before they can do the work of mental health counseling, they first need to build a relationship. This would be an example of a “step-wise” process. Think of a flight of stairs where we usually take one step at a time – Step 1 comes first, then Step 2, then Step 3.
The idea that the relationship must be built prior to doing the work of mental health counseling strikes me as inconsistent on two levels. First, research shows that the relationship alone is not a great predictor of success. Second, having practiced mental health therapy since 1993 - I have no idea how a step-wise process would even unfold. Would I sit and gaze in the client’s eyes and bond? Review their family photo albums? Go to a bar with them? Play checkers? Any idea I can muster developing a relationship FIRST and then WORKING seem inefficient and creepy – probably leading me to lose my license!
The work of therapy happens in a PARALLEL not STEP-WISE process. As we help clients clarify their goals and identify credible plans, the relationship strengthens. And, as the relationship improves clients trust more and share more, allowing for further clarification of goals and development of credible plans. The process is like a feedback loop that happens in a parallel fashion.
Life is also like this. I tend to disagree, for example, that we cannot get into a relationship until we are healed. Or, we cannot fill others buckets until our bucket is full. It is with people, that we learn to heal ourselves – not in isolation (of course, not all people are worthy of our trust and not all people can help us heal ourselves). Further, we fill our bucket by filling other people’s buckets. The idea that relationships develop in a parallel with meeting needs is encouraging because we can immediately do things that help other people. We don’t have to wait on the sideline.
Dr. Brad Lundahl is a published author, researcher, professor, psychologist, husband and father. You can find his insights and motivational interviewing training at www.esympro.com.
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