I rarely ever post on here anymore. I’ve become far too consumed with other apps and I feel like the people who made tumblr what it was for me a few years ago are no longer there. But I still can’t bring myself to delete my account.
I remember seeing posts on here when I was in middle school about people struggling with depression and anxiety and being medicated or being against medication or whatever it may be they thought, and I never really thought it was a good thing because I mostly saw the negative effects of these things. I don’t know what I really thought depression felt like or what it was like to deal with it. I had my beliefs about it in my head, and how I presumed it to be and that was that. I ended up going to university and first year went well, I started birth control and didn’t really notice any changes but my periods were still really inconsistent so I went on a different birth control pill at the start of second year and then I started to notice really wild mood swings and I felt a lack of interest in what I was doing. By the end of second year, I had started a different birth control which was helping, and then all of a sudden I wanted to die. I wanted to stop existing, and I didn’t want to deal with anything. I felt like the only solution so I wouldn’t have to deal with anything that was bothering me, was to stop existing. I didn’t want to kill myself, but I didn’t want to be alive. I had started skipping classes all the time, I was stressed about missing material and late assignments and I wasn’t sleeping. I would be up with pains in my chest because I was too anxious to sleep. I had a fight with my sister at our office, and I told her I didn’t care if I got fired because I just wanted to die anyway, which is what made my family realize I needed them there. There was one night I was on the phone with my dad and he asked me how I was and I started crying and said “Not good, Dad. I’m sorry but I’m really not good.” I never talked to my dad about that stuff, so I completely caught him off guard and made him worried. I got myself together for the rest of the phonecall and then as soon as he hung up, I started crying again. I cried all night from 7 until 1 in the morning when I finally called my sister and apologized profusely and said “I hate what I’m doing, I’m not supposed to be here. I hate this so much.” She convinced me to get through the next few weeks and finish exams and just get home and figure out what I was going to do after I made it through the year. In amongst this time, a guy I had previously slept with arrived at my dorm, and cheated on his girlfriend with me. I felt beyond guilty about kissing him, let alone when he tried to make me have sex with him. This made my mental state much worse, but I managed to get through it and pass my exams and courses.
I ended up taking a year off school. I worked full time, paid back what I owed to my university so I could either transfer to another school or return to that one and take courses again. That had its ups and downs, but I managed to get things in order to return in September doing online courses and a night class on campus once a week and worked 20 hours a week at my job. I began the semester enrolled in 5 courses, and I am now in 2 and finished my exams for both of them and feel fairly confident in them. In September, I had the exact same feelings that I had when I ended up taking a year off. I went to my doctor, as I had after I took a year off and he ended up prescribing me SSRI’s. I had a wonderful summer, and then out of nowhere when school started, I was miserable. I hated doing things and I skipped classes and I got behind in a lot of courses to the point where I just dropped them because I didn’t stay ahead of them and I had no idea what was going on. I have been on my medication for about a month and a half. I have no regrets. I don’t think there should be a stigma about being medicated. I have some bad days where I don’t feel like doing things and I am a little out of it, but I feel so much better. I have so much more joy in my life again. Since starting them, I’ve realized so many other people are too. I’ve gotten some negative remarks about it, but I think people need to be more open with their mental health. I know that it feels like sometimes it’s a burden to ask for help or to talk to someone but it isn’t. You need to get help sometimes and sometimes nothing else works besides being medicated. I tried for so long to get better and be happy again, and I wish that I had’ve started these sooner so I didn’t potentially miss an entire year of school and I could be graduating in May this year instead of two more years.
If more people make their mental health stories more open, those who have negative connotations about them will realize they aren’t as uncommon as they think. I had no idea the amount of people in my life who were medicated and just afraid to talk about it. There is no shame in it. There is no reason to hide from it. I told so many people I was taking them, because I wanted them to know that sometimes I’m not okay, and sometimes I bail on plans and dates because I can’t get out of my bed. I didn’t think I needed them, because the idea I had in my head of someone who had depression and was medicated wasn’t my situation and scenario, but it has literally been the best decision for me. What I am asking here, is to open yourself up to that vulnerability and seek that option. It is such a life-changer, and to see life through eyes where you can actually see colours and happiness again is so much better than seeing a grey foggy day every single day with no joy. When I look back to second year, it is a grey blur of despair and anxiety and I am so thankful I don’t see anything else like that now.
Please ask someone for help if you need it, don’t be afraid to say you’re not okay. Don’t be afraid to do what is best for you and get out of that dark room. It’s okay to not be okay, and there are always people there to help you.
I know it’s oversaid, but if anyone needs someone please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you feel like you have no one else. My instagram is @sarajveno. Follow me and message me on there if you need to talk. I understand the struggle.
