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I think a deep down (baseline) fear of mine is: am I good enough?

When I’m compared to a past lovers especially, I feel uncomfortable - tbc

• “What did I hope he would say in that moment?”

I think I expected some sort of mirrored input whether it was a “me too” or an even just hearing anything about where he is at with his emotions or intentions. Especially after such a turbulent week and when we’re supposedly on the up ramp again, I really wished this bid of connection wasn’t missed as much as it should have.

• “What would help me feel safe and emotionally seen going forward?”

I think with the turbulent week in mind, now, more than ever, reassurance is needed to help rebuild our trust in one another. I think I feel insecure if I’m honest because I feel a bit of a pull back and it kind of feels like I’m the only one trying to lay down the tiles to return our connection.

• “Do I feel secure in his love, or do I feel I need more reassurance?”

I think thoughtful and intentional affirmations would go a long way. The only downside to asking for this is that people can say things for the sake of it so it’s a bit of a rock in a hard place. I think giving him space to do his thing for the day would help but currently it feels … off?

Intentional affirmation isn’t always about perfect timing — it’s about emotional presence.

When you ask for that presence, you’re not begging for words. You’re asking, “Can I trust that we’re still in this together?”

So it’s not needy — it’s anchoring.

“It really hurt to hear I’m an emotional burden, especially in a moment where I was really trying to connect with care. I understand we’ve had intense moments in the past, but in this case, I don’t think I was being unreasonable or overwhelming — and being generalised as emotional made me feel dismissed and misread.

I want us to be able to talk about these feelings openly, but I need to feel safe doing that — not like I’m already too much before I even speak.”

I want to be better for you

Better for me

Better for us

Someone you could be proud of

And not ashamed of

I’m trying everything in my power

Not to collapse

And give in to

The doubts, the negativities, the voices

To give up

I feel scared

That I’m solely losing you

And the core of my character

Possibly flawed

Engraved in your mind

As someone you despise

And I’m hurt

That you see me that way

I thought our history

Built a foundation

Of trust, love, connection

So why do I feel

Misunderstood? (I am)

Burdensome? (I am)

And that the grounds of trust

Our trust

Was but mere glass

Shattered in the mask

Of love and understanding

I don’t know how to feel

Sad that I’m ruining it

Sad that I’m not good enough

Sad that my efforts to get better are not enough

That I’m a disappointment

That I’m too much

That I’m not understood- when I thought I was

Maybe I’m a bad person, am I unaware of the pain that I cause?

Would they be better off alone? (Why would I rather rejection now than later: I think the crumbling future is too much to handle)

The kid inside is sometimes a bit silly

My spiral says

I’m too much, I ruined everything, he’s tired of seeing me.

But it’ll be okay

I feel shut out and disappointment- I need reassurance to rebuild closeness.

I wish you had said

“Hey im feeling a bit frustrated (off?) from the situation but i still care about you. Can I have 5 minutes to wind down and we can talk properly after?”

I wish you had reassured me before stepping away - I know you did briefly - I guess adding distance when I was leading with compassion and connection

Shook up trust

things were so nice prior

But there’s always ups and downs of course

I just feel a bit like

I’ve fallen

I wished you had held me

While saying “it’s okay”

It’s okay inner kid, you were brave enough to care. You tried to build closeness. It doesn’t make you weak- it makes you real.

Love is hard

Trust is hard

Or is it you

That’s the difficult one?

You’re feeling kind of scared

Scared that you’re not enough

Scared that you won’t fit in

Scared you’ll be abandoned

By factors external to you-

Your history, your family, your wealth

A process that you can handle

And with others

All the things you can and cannot control

It’s hard

Feeling some type of way

I’m not sure what these feelings are

That’s why I’m here

To shout into the empty void

My collective thoughts

And you

A kind stranger online

That happened to stumble upon this

Why is being vulnerable so hard?

I have this intense fear that

It’s all fake

It’s probably not real

You’ve probably faded

And here I stand

Holding the grass, the dirt

Hearts out

To you

And fear says

“Sorry I lost you”.

And a small voice says

Is it time to cut and run?

How can you get hurt

If you leave first?

It’s a small voice

But I get scared

That you don’t like me

The way I like you

Which is okay

It takes time

I’m just

Tired

I want to be accepted

I’m want to be enough

I think I’m enough - alone

It’s hard

I want to believe I’m enough

It’s weird

Alone, I think I’m enough

But I get doubtful with another

I like that you appear happy

I like that your actions show otherwise

But once it all goes away

Will you still be by my side?

I’m scared

I’m not sure why

Meeting your friends

Today, I met your friends

I think it’s awesome how

Some people in life

Just click

Like you were destined to meet

Or maybe it just makes sense, together

I like how receptive people can be

It requires an openness

A curiosity

A vulnerability

to let

Two souls

Connect

Without judgement

It’s an amazing feeling

To be let in

To be yourself

To see the colours

Disperse

Into an Aurora

Of Vermont light

Radiating harmony, in kindness

a connection

On a tranquil canvas

And we - the artists

Glide across the seams

A brushstroke more

And I ask: where have you been all this time, I hope you’ve been doing well

Today, I met your friends

It was an anticipation

You cutely

Count down the hours

T-5

T-4.5

T-4

T-3.5

T-3

T-2.5

T-2

T-1.5

T-1

T-0.5

It’s a small gesture

I feel warm inside

That you’re excited to see me

In the same way i’m excited to see you

Throughout the night, your company keeps me warm

It’s a trust that I can handle myself

Maybe you’re a little proud

It’s safe

And you stay by my side

Your thigh on mine

Your shoulder on mine

Hands locked

You smile

And drag me for an extra park walk

15 minutes more

It’s nice to debrief after the day that was

We had transport issues - to no surprise

But I feel warm

That I get to spend just a little bit more time with you

You depart with a kiss

I wish I could squeeze you

And alas you go

“Call me when you’re home”

(It’s one of my favourite phrases)

It’s a thoughtfulness - that I appreciate

That you too

Wish we had just a little bit more time together

I like u

I like u a lot

And I ’m scared

That it will all change

That I’ll be hurt

I’m scared

It’s a leap of faith

To be care for

To be cared for

And I choose you-

Would you choose

Me too?

In the future and beyond

Paving the path ahead?

Without looking

Over your shoulder

Today, I met your friends

Something on my mind:

I wonder

What’s on your mind?

Are you truly free?

Are you willing to step ahead

Side by side

With me?

I fully accept that

Someone can be a big part of your life

A long part of your life

At some point- they were your life

But this leaves some big shoes to fill-

I don’t want to feel like

I’m in someone’s shadow

Or I’ll never be enough

Compared, contrasted, conflicted

Will you hold your time together

hostage

over my head?

How can you move forward and build something together

With me

If there’s a constant reminder

That our tenure

Is but mere minutes

Compared to the lifetime that was

Just moments ago?

Am I okay to feel

like seconds?

Maybe you’ll say

You’re my number 1

You’re mine

I want to be with you

But with what appetite

Will you indulge

In me?

Is it the satisfaction

A flavour of the month (if you will)

It’s exquisite, exotic

Almost like you’re at home

But do you consider this

Your home?

Or just a dining experience

Chasing the first time

You were satiated?

I’m scared

As years go by

My eyes open - I’ve learnt aplenty

But I’m still here

Trying to find you

In this world-

I’m hopeful

That one day

You’ll say

“I’m home

I brought takeaway-

Did you have a nice day?

Because mine just got better”

bbybluluv

It really has been a while.

Let’s give a round of an applause

To all the journeys that was

And all the futures that were

And all the timelines that never came to be

All paths led to this one

Let’s debrief your last… what happened?

Well, I fell in love

With someone kind, sweet, a good heart

Overly optimistic, energetic, crazed to enjoy life

With passions and dreams and a strong sense of FAMILY

FAMILY FAMILY FAMILY

they were a good family

maybe the best family I’ve seen

Believe me- I was part of it

But I never felt like I belonged

Why does that bother me?

I’m there

But I’m not there

It’s not like they’re not hospitable- believe me they were

But maybe it was weird that

I would always be number 2

For my number 1

It just sat with me

To not be prioritised

People all want different things and you treated me quite well

But why did I always feel like

I would always be number 2

I found friends in your friends

Maybe by routine I made you friends with your friends

Then we were all friends- the four friends

Friends- the ones that fill the void

One on ones didn’t happen often

Why was that? Why didn’t I break the cycle?

I guess it was the schedules

It’s okay I coped

With moneys a plenty

Choosing what I like

Doing what I like

I was alone

Somewhere in your busy mind

A safe haven

But alone nonetheless

I didn’t want to have to ask for things

I hate being a burden

Asking for help is not something I do

I probably should have

I mean I do bring up things as needed

It was off like

Living in an empty shell

A trophy on the wall?

My life revolved around yours (it was a good life)

But you didn’t really seem to care for my life

I joined your schedules

But mine were a chore

You were there

But you didn’t want to be

Weird- you were there for me

But quietly?

And sometimes when I’m there with you

We’re at the venue

But I don’t see you

I guess we were comfortable- knowing we’d always be there together

And then

Your career took you elsewhere

While I remained here

As the number 2

We had a great time don’t get me wrong

But you don’t want to hear all the sappy stuff

It was fun to be a little bit chaotic

I’m an anchor that’s always there

Your laughter is what I remember most

Almost like you’re embarrassed to laugh

Maybe it’s more of a mischievous chuckle

It was a nice journey

I clipped your wings

Maybe more like

You want to leave the nest

You know it’s not right

But you reallllly want to

And so I let you go

“It’s a bigger and brighter world out there

Tell me all about your travels

And all those that meet the eye

Enjoy the country side

But come back soon?”

Nonetheless you left

And all paths lead to this one.

That’s a wrap for that.

Just gone you went

And all the plans ahead.

I didn’t feel sad

I just think you’re happy doing what you need to do

and that makes me happy (in a supportive way)

Who am I to stop your dreams?

I would never.

But what about my dreams?

What do I dream about?

Prioritisation, to be thought of, to be loved through and through and through

“But love yourself”

Do I? I think so

“Who are you kidding?”

Sure there are some small parts I don’t like

But there are parts that I really like

I think I do love myself

That’s why I put my heart forward

And move ahead

To find someone worthy

To share my love with?

“But love yourself?”

Again, I feel like I do- I own all my experiences- the good the bad the terrible the funny the boring the sad the chaotic the fun and the bright

Pity is a limiter

But I know I’m unlimited

And so I search for you

I haven’t lost hope that

Somewhere out there

Is waiting for me?

And so I found you. And I’m see through.

I hate it- you know me so well

But you also don’t?

It’s a push and pull

We play games of denial

But we’re also upfront with how we feel

Only time will tell

But I know I like you

I’m drawn to you

And I hate that I’m slipping

Further and further into you

I’m surrendered to you

But I don’t want to surrender

But my heart already has

Well- in a hopeful way

If you turn me away

It might suck (it will suck)

But nonetheless I was here for the ride

I like this ride

I hope it doesn’t break down

It’s okay if it does

I’ll be sad and hop off

But if it can continue or evolve

I’ll be right here

Until it’s time to hop off.

You wanted me to reflect on something

Oh god I don’t like this

“What’s going on?”

Hmm I think

Somewhere it was implied that

Maybe you don’t see me as the most attractive person you’ve been with

Which can be an objective human truth (you seemed to really defend this point)

But that bothers me- I want to more than enough

Not just: enough

Not just: you treat me well

Not just: I’m settling for you

You didn’t say these things, but it feels that way

It just feels weird that

Somewhere in your mind

I’m number 2?

Not that physical matters to you (oh god- so we’re looking pasty visuals)

I know my personality is good

It’s loving, sweet, caring

But it’s for my number 1

Who sees me as number 1

I don’t have eyes for others

I see you as the best in all domains

The essence, the completed jigsaw, it’s all of you

That I see as attractive

It’s my favourite exhibition right now

And while I stand here

Admiring all the pieces in place

I’m sad that

You enjoy my exhibition too, it’s full of character, a great story, a great context, read the analysis on the plaque against the wall- it’s the best one you’ve seen so far

You said so yourself

But to know that

maybe another exhibition is prettier than this

Not better than the plaque (there’s no way) but

Just prettier

I feel odd- the plaque is so good BECAUSE I think you are my world

And you enjoy that

“How I treat you”

I still want to be the prettiest art in your eyes though

At least while you’re here- in my gallery (you can leave a review elsewhere)

I want you to see how i see you to me.

But we all think differently

Everyone’s a critic

You like the plaque

But my art- something about it

Just isn’t good enough

Then I think

You frustratingly tell me

“I like you” “stop thinking that way”

You’re almost yelling at me

“What is wrong with you, why are you thinking this way”

“Time yourself out and have a think”

And I’m scared

I’m scared of

Bring an UGH to you

Nonetheless

You drive to me

You’re adamant on this

You want to hear my piece but I don’t want to disrupt your schedule more than I already have

I don’t want to be needy

I know I am sometimes (I let it slip through)

But I don’t like to…

You say it’s fine to be needy- but that’s a slippery slope of validation

Which I like

Of course; I want to be validated

But I do NOT want to rely on that

Just like me for me

All of me

Like how I like you

And choose you

Not because you haplened to be around

But because I choose you.

And I think you said

You choose me too

Would you drive all this way if otherwise

Here’s a checklist of evidence, are you happy?

I am- I now feel foolish

Like I know the signs are obvious

Right there in my face

I see it

But I don’t believe it (fully)

My heart is fragile.

I secure it away

But what an end

To an era that was

And an era that may be

With you next to me

Or behind me

I guess we will see-

But I do like you

My date number 3

“i love all sides of you”

but me to you too

Hello!

It’s been a while!

How are you feeling now?

It’s weird. To summarise this past month, I realised: love is fake. I’m exaggerating but life really is so much more than “finding this special person”. I realised searching only leads to heartbreak and having any ounces of hope just leads to pain.

If it happens, it happens. But jeez the amount of desperation out there- I hope not to become one of the crowd.

And so, I wanted a purpose outside of my identity.

And then it hit me:

You’ve always wanted a dog. You (now) have the funds for it. Maybe an animal companion is the way to go.

So I chased the feeling and jumped headfirst into a scam. It sucks that there are people out there who are this shitty. I tossed and turned, waiting and praying that this was all legitimate. It wasn’t, and I paid the price.

From then on, I faced the sunk cost fallacy and continued to pursue the dead horse dream. A part of me still wanted it, but most of me was exhausted. I ended up following through and the consequences rained in: it all hit me.

My life will never be the same. Constrained and bound, I signed my life away. Gone we’re the moments I was living for myself: each and every day is solely focused on this puppy, every hour, every waking minute, it’s him.

I can’t sleep, I can’t breathe, I can’t get space.

Overwhelming judgements flog to my mind the moment I even remotely take a breather: “you chose this” i’m constantly reminded, “this is your responsibility” “you begged for this”.

I hate this. Raising a puppy has its pros and cons and the daily routine is tedious but doable- that part is fine. What I despise most is the looming micromanagey judgements, the scissors that clipped my wings, the “we told you so: this is all on you” carrot on a stick that dangles above my head.

The moment I step away for myself, I’m automatically a shit human being. It makes me not want to do my responsibilities which fuels the cycle of “hey you’re not fulfilling your responsibilities”.

THIS FUCKING BLACKMAIL AURA - LOANSHARK ENERGY - I DESPISE IT.

I will not forever be in your debts for your gracefulness FUCK RIGHT OFF. I thank you for your help and assistance I’m sure but I refuse to be bound with side eye conflictions.

I hate this and I hate you.

I’m sorry to hear that. Did your love life ever pick up?

I’m afraid to admit it, but I think so.

Not really but I know deep down, my heart is being set on one.

Our communication, our dissection of hypotheticals, our commonalities in values/ideals/interests is uncanny and unmatched.

I have hope but I refuse to admit it.

That I’m slowly falling for you.

orbitloonarchive

3 years with odd eye circle & girl front ♡

D Me:

It’s been an interesting past few weeks.

You’ve had some interesting highs, some weird lows and I am honestly so proud of where you are right now. There’s still ways to go but take every step with poise, sincerity, and as your last.

You’re alone at the moment but it’s not lonely? You know that someone amazing is out there but they just haven’t arrived yet.

They may never arrive though and that’s okay! You’re embracing yourself and spending time with yourself doing the things you want to do.

Do you have regrets? Not at all.

We appreciate the journey so far and just have to recharge. Let’s not waste too much time or energy into those who don’t matter.

Embrace you- and I love you. Keep it up :)

D4:

I think it’s starting to kick in.

You seem to be getting dryer and dryer every day

which I guess is your process

it kind of annoys me since

you were the one who wanted to keep in contact

but not going to lie

i think this works. it sucks it had to end this way.

i didn’t think it would end this soon. why didn’t we share our hopes and concerns earlier? i would have loved to be reassured. i wanted to believe we were really meant to be - and that there was hope.

i think we can both move on and set that distance

and understand

that

it will never be the same

even though we had so many nice memories

and dreams about our future

times where

it was genuinely just you and me

I never got to say thank you

for being in my life

and no matter what moving forward

we’ve hurt each other too much

D2:

I think part of the reason we had our downfall was because of family and culture. I know to you, you think it’s because of your situation but I think it’s more the surrounding implications. It sounds like a lose-lose situation 75% of the time and in all cases I didn’t want to be the reason you risked it all. “Maybe it’s not meant to be” echoed in my head. And a small part of me wished that you took my advice on board, or reassured me that an amicable solution was on its way, or fought together with me instead of running from the inevitable.

I think a major part of all this is also around finding stability in a partner. I feel like my past, my present, my thoughts, my self worth can sometimes be unstable and I kind of need someone who can ground me (and hopefully, someone I can reliably ground too). But our future seemed bleak with uncertainty especially around: family, culture, finances, emotionality/conflict and that scared me to bits. So I felt alone, I did it all myself? So parts of me regrets not being fully supported (and not fully supporting you) and another part regrets not letting you in.

I do regret not being appreciative of the tough times. When we had no one, little spouts in our day, and we were there for each other. Life doesn’t always go our way but it was honestly never scary because we knew we had eachothers backs. That level of trust and connection, I appreciate it. Thankyou for those times.

I hope you can see that i’m doing this for our greater good with the best intentions for you. You didn’t deserve to be judged and I think the lifestyle values ingrained in me unfairly judged you. I tried to brush off these innate beliefs but they teetered around for too long and the guilt become overwhelming. “Why couldn’t I accept you like how you accept me? What is wrong with me”.

When this broke loose, we did not handle this well.

All in all, you deserve someone who accepts you fully and I am sorry. I sincerely do want to see you shine and one day know that it was all for the better.

I think today is a lot of regrets and lots of talking myself down. I am fighting against the regret but deep down we both know it’s for the best. So chin up!! It’s okay, don’t be hard on yourself. We have to face our choices and we’re in this together. The future is bright!!

D1:

Today was okay, it feels so surreal though. Maybe work is a distraction but the weight is slowly kicking in.

I miss sharing the mundane with you, knowing that at the end of the day, I have someone waiting for me, and it’s us against the world.

Lunch time calls, grocery calls, gaming into the moonlight.

Something fundamentally broken, but in solace we found each other - we weren’t alone.

If I was to think of my most favourite moment it would be when you opened up to me at the station. We sat there for hours trying to deconstruct your sudden life crisis: your emotions, your experiences, and your thoughts. We were connected then, no one else mattered, trains and passer-by’s flowed in and out of the subway, and as a constant, we had each other.

We promised we would get through it together.

I stumbled on our origin moment, it was magical back then. It’s sad to see how sour it turned. We were so naive back then, but we were happy. We took a leap of faith and it’s not to say we became unhappy, but I wish we nurtured our younger past selves.

I feel mostly guilty that I gave in. Am I fundamentally broken in that, I can’t feel gratitude in the abundance around me? I picture you, smiling, looking forward to seeing/hearing me. I share to you disappointing news, my doubts, my insecurities, our problems and your smile slowly drops. The disappointment in your eyes - that wasn’t what you were expecting to hear - as the hurt creeps in.

To my younger self, we will get through this! You were abandoned before and so now you believe that the worst pain you could inflict on someone else is abandonment. Be kind to yourself, you have an amazing future ahead and you just gotta believe and keep moving forward.

Hope to see you better than ever

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