This might just be a stream of consciousness
Last night I met up with my old flatmate. Awfully, it was only the second time I’ve seen him since we moved out a year ago. He also works in theatre, so understands the lifestyle. I’m not proud of the fact we’ve only seen each other twice - but hey, we’re busy people.
Last night was also the first time I’d spoken to him about my mental health. It sort of felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, as there is now one other person who has some vague idea of what is going on in my head. Like most who suffer, I never want my MH to get in the way of my work: “I’m fine” is normally the response, and I get on with my day. But sometimes it’s good to chat about it - currently I won’t talk to anyone at my work about it (hell I even find it hard talking to my other half about it), but sometimes it’s good to get something off your chest.
I don’t know where I’m going with this one
I never want to say I suffer from depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, or insomnia because I don’t suffer, I cope. To most, I probably seem like the happiest guy in the room: constantly singing, humming or chatting (hell, even dancing). But they’re just my way of coping - if I’m making a fool of myself, then I’m not having to think about my problems.
Recently I’ve been finding it really difficult. I met someone a month ago and I’d like to think we got on well. Perhaps through my incessant dancing and singing, perhaps not. This someone has physically moved on in their life (they’re on tour - it’s sort of to be expected), but the fact that I’m not physically with this person or see them during the day just makes me feel so lonely. I don’t really feel like there’s anyone at work who understands me, and to be fair it’s not like I give my colleagues a chance, but this someone and I clicked. I think. I feel like I could share whatever and there’d be no judgement, they get me. And I get them. It just sort of worked. I’m still talking to them, so it’s not like they’re gone gone, but it’s not the same? There’s only so much digital interaction that you can take, and it’s not the same thing. There’s no physical element. You can’t read their body language, or see their face when you do something stupid. It just drives me nuts.
God I miss Robin Williams. That hit me hard. Not because I knew him (obviously I didn’t know him). But suddenly I knew of someone who was the same as I felt. Bloody hell he was a great actor. I mean Matt Damon was also decent in Good Will Hunting, but god Robin Williams was amazing. To seem so happy on the outside, but to feel so awful on the inside. It surprised me at first, but then it sort of gave me solace - is that even the right phrase?
There’s this quote that sticks with me - from an ex - about how we’re all similar. “We’re all in the same game, just different levels. In the same hell, just different devils.” Although now I’ve googled it I realise it’s from GoodReads.
We’re tiny specs of insignificant dust in the universe, but we’re significant to someone. And we’re not alone.
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