hey. It’s December 19th, 2022, and I’m in Lake Tahoe with my family for a pre-Christmas skiing trip. It’s beautiful here. Being home with my family has been strangely gut wrenching.
I haven’t checked in on here in a while. I was in a car accident this quarter, and I refuse to accept how much it’s probably traumatised me. I have very bad anxiety being in a car now, and can’t help being a backseat driver. I’m so scared for my own safety. It reminded me of the fragility of my life.
The best way I’ve explained it to people is this…. We all have delusions we tell ourselves to keep going throughout the day. Useful delusions, like that I need an A in this specific class to be successful, or that this party is a make or break social situation. Things of that sort. Little things we keep in our brain like cogs that distract us from an existentialist wormhole. I remember sitting in S’s car on the way back from the crash, and my brain was like a salt flat. Just the plain blue water against a completely clear blue sky. No clouds; no delusions to keep me running. Like the rug of my life had been swept out from under my feet.
S and I have had a really complicated quarter. I thought everything was going really well. I love him so much. More than anything. But I know he isn’t happy, and it’s selfish of me to keep hoping we can be happy together when he struggles to even have the energy to be proud of himself most of the time, or be content with his life and achievements. If I’m being completely honest, it’s been really hard on me.
He told me a couple weeks ago that he thought we should break up. I was pretty taken aback, but I understand him. He said he had exhausted all possibilities of trying to improve himself and get better while he’s with me. He needed this to be a final push for him.
We stayed together but it hadn’t been easy, and tonight I finally broke down again. I think we decided we weren’t good for eachother. He’s my best friend and my everything. I don’t know how I’ll continue like this without him, but I need to try. I know I’m worthy of happiness - I often forget, but it’s important to remind myself.
