slaughtered useless beings in a nihilistic dream

Joe Scibelli//20//Amherst//Sleeper Wave//BIG MAN

[everythingislikecircles-blog]

another one of those nights. scrolling through my posts it seems little has changed

[everythingislikecircles-blog]

oh my god just make it fucking end

[everythingislikecircles-blog]

almost 7 years and it’s only getting worse now. i wish I knew what the fuck was wrong with my brain. I wish I knew why I’m nearly incapable of feeling happy for more than just brief, fleeting moments. I wish I didn’t spend the last 3+ years of my life using drugs and alcohol to run away from my problems. I wish I got help earlier, but instead I suppressed everything and let it build up. I wish I didn’t have to constantly fear that my closest friends are going to leave me. I wish I didn’t act like a complete asshole to these same friends sometimes, instead of just fucking appreciating the fact that they’re one of the only reasons I haven’t killed myself. I wish there wasn’t so much fucking uncertainty. I wish I had even a semblance of self-esteem. I wish I wasn’t such a massive disappointment to my parents, no matter how much they tell me I’m not. My parents have given their whole lives to me . My dad paid for me to go to college with his fucking retirement fund, and now I don’t even know if I can finish it. I’m so anxious I can’t even sit in class. I had a panic attack today after being in my Spanish class for 5 minutes. I’m three days into my senior year and I haven’t made it through a single class. I brought my mom to my psychiatrist appointment and she cried saying she just wants to see me happy. It was heartbreaking. I don’t know if I’m ever going to get better. I don’t know anything. I just want to die so fucking badly but I have to keep trying. This is the absolute worst I have ever felt in my life but I can't give up yet. For my friends and for my parents.

[everythingislikecircles-blog]

we'll roll in the glass with flowers in our hair lick your wounds clean like you did mine when I'm more me than you we can say goodbye

[barfola3000]

[everythingislikecircles-blog]

i wish it would all just go away

[everythingislikecircles-blog]

I don't get it. why do I literally not fucking care about anything

[sowhatifiliveinkyushu]

風俗草紙  (1953年07月)

[everythingislikecircles-blog]

massively fucked up by not dating you when I had the chance. I am dum

[everythingislikecircles-blog]

ever have such a bad depressive episode that the only logical solution is to renew your world of Warcraft subscription?

[everythingislikecircles-blog]

iTunes library got deleted today. I’m sure most probably think i’m being dramatic but I am literally fucking crushed. i just punched a hole in the wall in my room, I've never felt so unable to suppress my anger.

Music has always been the only thing I've had in my life. my iTunes library was so much more important to me than any records or tapes that i own. i started building up my iTunes library around 7th grade, and as a result, it encompassed every music phase i have ever gone through. there were albums on that library that i will never get back, that i will never be able to find again. so many memories attached to these albums that will likely be forgotten. there were over 30k songs in my library, that i collected through scouring a million different blogs, forums, etc over the course of 9 years.

In a way, the music on here symbolized a number of different eras of my life. the middle school metal phase, where i solidified a friendship with one of my best friends through our mutual love of melodic death metal bands like in flames and at the gates, the early scene phase where i realized there were others out there who felt similarly to me about the world and existing, the ska phase through which i formed friendships with people who remain some of my best friends to date, the twinkle emo phase where i was introduced to the DIY culture that would later begin to consume my existence.

Though many of these genres I no longer care about, my iTunes library encapsulated all of these phases, and in turn, the memories that went along with them. And now its all gone.

[obeliskandmetronome]

[uselessweaponry-deactivated2019]

I made sure to draw this on the crappiest paper I could find for maximum impact. (Psst, it’s the inside back cover to that book of big drawings.)

[vnutrennosti-deactivated2017071]

untitled

[everythingislikecircles-blog]

the most fucked up part of this world is that no one cares. no one gives a fuck that you lay in bed feeling like the walls are closing in on you, no one cares that you can’t connect with anyone, or even find your own identity. No one cares that you aimlessly walk the earth without even a fucking semblance of purpose. No one cares if you destroy yourself trying to alleviate the pain of existence

[ghostlyfeelings]

[perfectblue7]