EVERYTHING's AWFUL

When was the last time you had good news? Our Writers

[everythingsawfulnews]

Katy Perry's latest music video was re-edited to exclude the use of a symbol meaning 'Allah' which was deemed blasphemous by many petition-signers. Perry announced they'll also be releasing a version of the video excluding her voice, which was deemed blasphemous to my ear drums.

J. W. (Source)

[everythingsawfulnews]

Archbishop Bill Donohue says that with the repeal of Arizona’s religious freedom bill and Texas striking down a ban on gay marriage, that he feels religion is besieged. 'Next thing you know there'll be a separation between Church and State,' Donohue scoffed.

Sean (Source)

[everythingsawfulnews]

A smartphone designed for handling top secret communications has been developed by Boeing. If the phone is tampered with, it automatically deletes any data and renders itself inoperable. Said a spokesman for AT&T: 'If it’s inoperable phone service you wanted, you should have come to us!'

Tom (Source)

[everythingsawfulnews]

American Airlines is one of the latest air carriers to end discounted 'bereavement fares' for those in mourning. Though passengers still get to check their first deceased loved one for free.

Sean (Source)

[everythingsawfulnews]

Netflix is testing a new feature which will automatically stop a streaming program when it detects the user has fallen asleep. The feature can be activated by the user by turning on an episode of 'The Fosters'.

J. W. (Source)

[everythingsawfulnews]

North Korea has test-fired four short-range missiles into the sea in an apparent show of force to coincide with the South's joint military exercises with the US. North Korean military leaders were dismayed to see several citizens clinging to the outside of the missiles in a desperate bid for freedom.

Tom (Source)

[everythingsawfulnews]

Arctic blasts will hit the nation again this week. Particularly affected is Detroit with temperatures reaching 15 below zero. Though this is only the second worst thing to happen to Detroit in recent memory. It goes 3) bankruptcy 2) weather AND THEN 1) ED-209 related murders.

Sean (Source)

[everythingsawfulnews]

The Arizona legislature passed a bill that allows business owners to refuse service to gay and lesbian couples, based on their religious beliefs. Because, as it says in Leviticus, 'Man shall not lie with Man as he lies with a Woman. For if he does, we shall deny him access to the 7-11 upon thine street corner.'

Sean (Source)

[everythingsawfulnews]

To compete with McDonald's, fast food chain Taco Bell is introducing its own breakfast menu in March. The perfect choice for today's modern businessman, who wants diarrhea at 8AM

J. W. (Source)

[everythingsawfulnews]

Silicon Valley venture capitalist Tim Draper is pushing for California to be divided into 6 states, citing its current size as inefficient. Recent polls have suggested that Draper is winning his bid, mostly due to his sexy name.

J. W. (Source)

[everythingsawfulnews]

Controversy surrounded The Biggest Loser finale, when the scales revealed that Rachel Frederickson, who began the competition at 260 pounds, lost over 150 pounds. Frederickson has declined to comment, mostly because she's super hungry, y'all.

J. W. (Source)

[everythingsawfulnews]

Snow storms across the country have left thousands, from Philadelphia to Baltimore without power, with more expected snow this weekend. The nationwide hunt for Punxsutawney Phil is still ongoing.

Sean (Source)

[everythingsawfulnews]

The virtual currency Bitcoin had its prices plunge after Mt.Gox was forced to halt customer withdrawals due to technical issues with its system. So basement dwellers seeking their usual foot/double-penetration internet porn had to pay using credit cards, like a bunch of ANIMALS.

Sean (Source)

[everythingsawfulnews]

During the Sochi Olympics opening ceremony, one of the Olympic rings failed to illuminate. Audi was thrilled with the free product placement.

Tom (Source)

[everythingsawfulnews]

Amidst numerous issues troubling the Olympics, Russian politician Iosif Kobzon stated, 'We never promised to be the best at everything.' You know, like the goal of the Olympics.

J. W. (Source)

[everythingsawfulnews]

While talking about the need for infrastructure recently, Joe Biden compared LaGuardia Airport in NYC to a third world country. Which explains why those “Feed the Children” ads now star a 45-year-old security guard named 'Vinny.'

Sean (Source)

[everythingsawfulnews]

Archaeologists announced Friday that they have discovered human footprints in England that are between 800,000 and 1 million years old — the most ancient found outside Africa, and the earliest evidence of human life in northern Europe. The archaeologists are now looking for the remains of the pub the ancient Englanders were most likely stumbling to.

Tom (Source)