meow enthusiast @evidentlyearnest - Tumblr Blog

im earnest, i go by he/him and im an adult

if u wanna chat, dms are open

i have [gestures vaguely] my tendencies

im normal im normal im normal

someone someone anyone at all at all at all help help help help help help help i cant i cant i can't i cant

its like god i just cant stand to be around her any more. everything's a problem. i thought id get over it but i cant be here. I hate that i dont feel comfortable in my own home. theor home. whatever. I've lived here for years. i wish they wanted me.

#i just feel so so so drawn #it's like she's inherited dads idea that im not a person and kept her lack of care for me #like maybe im being unfair #im a horrible person im a slob im messy im annoying im inconsiderate #but i just cant cope anymore i just cant do it #ill be here 12 more days thats all thats all thats all then I'm free bird #flyyyyy freeeee birrrdddd #i need it i need it i need it #i wanna cut myself #i wanna be free of here i do i do i do #what theyre asking is not unreasonable i just cant

i hate living here so so so so so so so so so so so so much

I HATE THIS HOUSE

I'm real

and i cant even text my friends about it bc andy akready said they stopped remembering why they loved me and that my texts helped them forgwt and i just have to keep it all in and i hate that i font have curtains so i cant be in the dark and i hate that i don't have a lock on my door so i dont have privacy and i hate that im in a closet like a child and its not dark enough in here and i hate that dad knows that i tried to kill myself and that i cut myself and nothing changed and i hate that im still here and i hate that i did the stupid fucking chores anyway and i hate that they berated my brother as he was going out the door for not fucking hoovering after he did a half marathon and i hate the fact they didn't support him even though this is something he's put so much time and effort into and that he cares about deeply and he asked multiple times for you to be there and i hate how my stepmoms comfort matters more than my own and i hate how you equated raising us to training a dog and i hate that i still do whatever you say and i hate how she came into the country and uprooted my whole life and made us move for the 5th time after i finally thought we had a permanent home and i hate how slowly slowly over the past 3 years things have been getting worse and worse and ive stopped having nearly so much autonomy and theres so much judgement and all dad wants now is for me to leave forever and he keeps saying it over and over and over that im not wanted that he cant wait for me not to be around and my stepmom and him having sex was more important than the fact that i live here too and I'm allowed to be in my own house and i hate hate hate hate that i come home from anywhere and a sense of dread builds up in my stomach and i hate how much it hurts and i hate how unfair it feels like im being and i hate the heat and the horrible muggy may ait and i hate that i did thw jobs anyway and i hate conflict and i wish i could shout and shout and shout and stick up for myself i wish i could talk to my dad again i wish we could listen to music in his car i wish that i could tell him things i wish he felt like my dad at all anymore i wish i still had him i wish he hadn't been so good to me i wish things were like how they used to be and were easier easier easier

she laughed at me she fucking laughed at me. i try to be so so so so so good for her i try my best even though i know dhe hates me i try i try i try and i dont get made at her face and i dont give out and i try listen to her and be mindful when shes upset and sad but she fucking laughed at me

i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate it here everythings a fucking problem everything is an issue or an arguement im an adult !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#they drive me fucking simple

I'm real i swear i swear i swear i swear stop treating me like a thing im real im real ik real im real im allowed to be upset and mad i. allowed to have a life im allowed to

IM A PERSON IM A PERSON IM REAL IM REAL IM REAL I HAVE A LIFE I HAVE A LIFE I HAVE MY OWN FUCKING LIFE AND I HAVE A FUCKING JOB AND IM GONNA MOVE OUT LIKE YOUVE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO YOU CAN FINALLY FUCKING WASH YOUR HANDS OF ME BUT IM FUCKING REAL IM REAL IM REAL YOU CANT DISREGARD MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE IM REAL IM REAL IM REAL IM REAL IM REAL IM REAL IM REAL IM REAL IM REAL IM REAL IM REAL IM REAL IM REAL IM REAL IM REAL

ive finally figured sj out. this whole time i was like - how can you hate someone just because they remind you of yourself, to the point u abuse them

but don't i hate people who are like me? haven't i started disregarding and having zero patience for people who were in distress in the same way i was. i get him now in a way that its like - i need to get better pronto

#yeah turns out i do not like who i am #it's a wierdo combo bc i am confident #and i dont mind the me that sees but i hate the me that exists as a person

ahhh i don't want tooo

going to explode

#hopefully pieta house isn't as bad as I've heard #also idk i don't feel like i Need this anymore

ourgh

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