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@evilwolf2000
Hi, I'm evil wolf, welcome to my twisted mind
i'm 25 now and totally way more mature. i hang out and draw and write and play guitar and play video games and drink and do drugs sometimes and play with my cat and go to therapy and go to bars and parties and hang out with my friends and live with my girlfriend and cook for us and watch movies together and go on dates i read about animals and i watch youtube and cartoons and i jog and go to the gym
Hi everyone. I had a really terrible week.
*exaggerated deep inhale* I started getting horrible migraines starting Sunday like worse than a headache like shaky dizzy confused nauseous week and also my head being squeezed like so much pressure in my head. My phone is super broken #posting from my iPad. I can’t text or call on my phone or use maps or notes app. But I can iMessage and email on my iPad and laptop. While having the migraines it took me a second to understand how badly I needed a new phone because everything felt weird and when I wasn’t getting peoples texts it was hard to notice I just thought I didn’t remember or something. I also have discovered I think I’m grinding my teeth as a symptom of or the cause of these migraines. The teeth on the left side of my mouth are noticeably sharper and leaving cuts on my tongue. That also was something that I noticed and at first just thought I was going crazy. I ran out of adhd meds (after the migraines started) and I primarily communicate with my psychiatrist through text, which I can’t do. Lucy’s catalytic converter got stolen again and I’ve driven her to and picked her up from work but I don’t have the maps app so I’ve had to remember how to get there and back and if I get lost I have no way of getting back on track to home. Ok I think that’s all
Oh I forgot, this week 2 managers and 1 coworker are out of town so I picked up extra shifts and I have a 2 hour window to get a new phone tomorrow morning other than that I work every day all the time and also I need someone to go with me to the mall because that apple store in the mall I know how to drive to just closed and I don’t have maps to tell me how to get to the other mall 30 minutes out of town.
Photo of breakfast from my laptop (no camera on phone either)
And I got a new digi cam. It’s a point and shoot with no screen. Awesome that it came right when my phone broke. Here’s so photos I’ve taken while figuring out how to use it
Lots of writing and drawings coming soon. I just can’t get a good picture of it with my iPad.
ren painting, ren-cuterie
last quilt club meeting for a while, it was also a potluck and ev brought some toys too. I'm not very good at quilting but it's fun lol
I hiked with a dog called River and we saw a turtle too
his owner is an older butch lesbian who comes to my work to bring him swimming. she mentions her wife sometimes but i've never seen her. she DJs line dancing events and is a physical therapist. she is a bit overly chatty but somehow also comes off as shy. I wonder if this is because she sees me as another queer person but can't place how or why, and so is more curious about me than my coworkers. or vice versa, i am always the one at work talking to her because i always like to play with dogs, or maybe it's because i want her to see me, and so she is more curious about me. perhaps why she offered me the job of hiking with her dog. I realized while talking to her that she is a lot like and has the same gender presentation as my Uncle Pat, who is bisexual and very eager to discuss queer family politics.
mo had a big surgery and is laid up at their parents house in a historic, much smaller city about an hour out of town. me and ren visited them and played games and played with their dog fred. he scratched me in my face by accident
a tree broken from summer thunder storms. when i lived across the street from where i do now, my ex lived in the building that i do now, and a tree in this park fell on their car from one of these summer storms. and i felt some weird form of satisfaction that day while walking to my car to see that theirs had been totaled by nature. i am naturally anxious that this will happen, but especially because if it did that'd be pretty karmically funny, and i think whatever power that be has an affection of that kind of humor. Linda in a box
me and lucy got tacos and a stranger asked if i draw and wanted me to draw anything on a post card
yesterday Ren invited me to the Os game the first one i'd ever been to and said we could bike and i felt nervous but i said ok and it was really fun but it was hard. Ren was so nice though waiting for me to keep up in traffic and stuff. my hair got shaped like the helmet
the game was awesome and and we won. and the sky was super orange. i had 3 beers and some fries and then we biked to club chuck and i drank 2 more beers. me after biking up hill from down town to club chuck:
i tried to convince ren i was good to bike to their place, get my keys, and drive home but they didn't let me which was wise. i took their bike to my home and then this morning i had to bike to their place and get my car lol
and finally, on my report for the last week, some sketches
my moms watering can and some tomatoes my grandfather grew with perfect hats. and a picture of me and my grand father covering our knees because he said the last time my dad took a picture of him sitting in this chair it made his knees look big. lol
while my dad was at the beach with us he got some really bad news about his mother. she was in the ICU after my uncle had found her calling for help in the bathroom covered in blood. when receiving this news it was unclear what had happened and why. my dad had had a few drinks and it was late so he slept a bit and left at dawn.
my grandmother had an operation on her heart two weeks ago, the operation was successful but the medications she was put on afterwards had caused this issue. i considered leaving the beach with my dad in the morning. from what we knew, it could've been an extremely dire situation. my dad has always been very good at understanding the positive sides of a situation and very bad at expressing his negative emotions. i could tell he was worried, obviously, but his speech and demeanor remained logistical. trying to figure out what happened and why and what he could do. i wanted to reach out but i could tell that behind the wall of a Man Who Can Figure Out What Needs To Be Done, there was something much more distressing and frightening, something that if poked at would only worsen things. I tentatively told my dad that if this seems like something that I should be there for (code for "will this be the last time i see Grammy") that he should wake me when he left. he understood this and did not wake me.
The next day in the afternoon I came with my mom to my hometown as scheduled and visited my grandmother in the ICU. it was frightening to see, she was hooked up to many machines and screens displaying patterns i didn't understand, she was very thin and parts of her arms were black. It made me feel better speaking to her, though. She has always been a lively and humorous person, and i could tell that her spirit was still entirely there, she was just physically exhausted. She said she wasn't in any acute pain, but a constant dull discomfort. I was very grateful to be able to talk to her.
I talked to her about marrying Lucy and she was most excited about that. She told me she wants to get better so that she can take me to the security box that our families rings our kept. I talked to her about how much of a positive force she was in my childhood, that she didn't just entertain me but truly played with me. I told her that without this inherited knowledge that life is an opportunity to be with people that you love doing things you love I would not have been able to grow up and have wonderful people and things in my life that make me happy.
Thankfully she has been recovering. When I left she was still in the ICU, but my dad reported that she was moved yesterday. My mom's family has always been intense and directly grandiose about their pain, but my dad's family is more difficult to understand. my dad said that on Sunday morning he woke up to a voicemail my grandmother had left him from the hospital in which she was saying "save me, help me, Billy come save me from here". He knew, obviously, that he should come visit her that morning, but more curiously to me he also knew that she wasn't in immediate distress or emergency. She was uncomfortable and lonely and unhappy in the hospital room.
Later on sunday I visited my grandfather, who is a traditionally reserved man from the midwest, but with a similar dry sarcastic sense of humor as my grandmother. He seemed to be doing alright, excited to hear that the nurses said Grammy would be in assisted living and no longer in the hospital by the end of the week. He was also excited to hear about me marrying Lucy and had a lot to say about him and grandmother. He told me that there's no perfect time, I should wait until a finish school or have a real job, I need to act on how I feel. and I think I'll take his advice.
While at the beach, my mom made a jab at my dad's family, calling their residence the "House of Denial". while i think that there may be an element of denial, more evidently when it comes to to hard feelings, I don't think my mom relates to the space that my dad and his family and i exist in. that everything is equally sarcastic and ironic as it is earnest. I do think that something about that is inherently catholic, which my mother is not and my dad's family is, and i am too i suppose.
Fritz the cat from my crumb biography, me on the way back to Baltimore
my parents, cousin jesse, and I
here i am bald at the beach
i explored plenty
my dad and i wanted to drive by the beach house i spent my childhood summers in, belonging to my grandmother, Doc, sold (this decision caused a lot of controversy) in 2017. we knew that a few years ago the new owners had torn down the maritime forest that grew between the house and the ocean. it astonished me that these people could not appreciate the arguably more special view of the dense self consuming tangled trees, but would rather see the ocean, like any other property. When we arrived it was gone, the entire house.
the structure of the house was just as twisted and disordered as the forest that once existed beyond it. it was built up from the ground, specifically designed to accommodate the cycle of isolation and loneliness for my narcissistic grandmother and her then husband. the house was clearly designed to host my mothers large family, 4 bedrooms on the first floor, one of which had bunk beads and even a crib, each with their own bathrooms. the living room was long and had stone floors, lined with floor to ceiling windows and sliding doors out to a wooden porch that wrapped all the way around the house. the living room started with a tv and two couches and a coffee table, then moved on to a few comfortable sitting chairs with a small round table, and finally a 14 seat dining set and shell themed chandelier. the kitchen veered off to the right, luxurious kitchen appliances, like a double oven and 8 burner stove, but with the design and technology of the late 70s.
behind the few comfy chairs in the living room, was a staggered floating stair case with no railing. up the stairs on the right was a small nook that on one end a box tv, a nintendo 64, a few video tapes, and two floor chairs. on the other end was a day bench built into the wall and a large window that over looked the flat tops of the gnarled trees. my cousin sadie and i often climbed out of the window and up the slanted roof to the very top of the house and we would crawl along the point of the roof, daring to stand up for seconds at a time and then falling back to our knees, hearts pounding.
To the left was first a normal bedroom, a little nicer than the ones downstairs, with a small office and a porch and a full tub in the bathroom. further up the hallway was Docs Room, the Cove of Isolation, the Narcissists Quarters. this was a bedroom, a small area of exercise equipment, a kitchenette with a full fridge, a microwave, and a table, a walk in closet, an office space that was the only part of the house that the ocean was visible from, and a porch. This is where Doc would sometimes get lots of writing done, but often times "be consumed by her loneliness with helpless sobs" as described by herself. This is not surprising to me i guess, because of how she is, but disappointing to hear. I have many truly fond memories of Sadie and I sitting with her for at least a couple hours everyday, eating pbjs and playing board games with doc, playing with her dogs. I remember my mother and her siblings desperately inviting Doc down for dinner.
This construction was so incredibly deliberate and seems like a direct reflection of my grandmothers mind. the downstairs of the house was clearly meant to accommodate lots of family and children. To a more functional introvert, the idea of being able to choose whether to go down to a shared social kitchen or stay in your own room is productive. but my grandmother is not a functional introvert. she created a space that she knew her family could engage with, but then created a space within that where she could entirely isolate, refuse to socialize, and then sob over how lonely she felt in that isolation. blame her children for her isolation.
The Villa Lucia was a beautiful house. Purple siding and two large trees shooting through the hole cut out of the porch to accommodate them. Down a winding gravel drive way obstructed by the forest. the beach was directly accessible, but only after walking bare foot on prickly leaves and ant hills for 20 feet. The Villa Lucia's insides mimicked the natural disorder around it.
last pictures of me with long hair for a while
last sunday i played with my friends and they shaved my head
this is me on the way to see my parents at the beach i spent childhood summers at
i decided i have nice hair it always grows back thick and soft and shiny so i should shave it if i want to. on the first day of summer. i think ill start doing this and then get one hair cut to make it look nice when it grows out a lot and then shave it again in the summer
“jump!” (2005)
last thursday my coworker invited all of us to top golf. i'd never been and i had a fun time drinking and swinging really badly. i felt dorky for not being able to stop thinking about how beautiful and almost dystopian the scene was. like, this configuration of a large artificially green field with hundreds of little white balls and pits marked by colored flags, enclosed by incomprehensibly tall netting. if not for knowledge of what golf is, it would seems completely bizarre. and the light pollution of the city mixed with the beacon of light that we were standing in created very strangled almost staged lighting
lunch and the bird that puzzled off lucy
ran into ren at the gym. this trees roots created a mini pond
i tried shrooms for the first time in a long time this weekend. all it did was make my muscles tense and make me feel really really sick. i think im too guarded and nervous a person now and that feels really annoying to me because i can't really do anything about that
it makes me feel stupid and unaware. it makes me feel like i'm not knowledgeable enough of myself. but that's what got me into this situation in the first place, it felt so so important to have some level of surveillance of what my subconscious was up to, even if it was painful and scary for me
this is an unwoke and stupid thing to say, but i've always wondered why there are people who never try any form of substance that puts you into an altered state. (aside from i guess having addict parents or something, i can see that). from drinking to smoking weed all the way to psychedelics. i can't imagine being a person like that, id feel this constant itch and need to learn more about my mind, to be aware of everything i possibly could be. the things that you normally can't be aware of because you have to chemically break down doors to the office building inside your brain that has all the little imps running around and getting stuff done.
I'm glad i got to have all the experiences i did with mushrooms and acid when i was younger, they were important and necessary. i've ruined my shot at trying salvia or iowaska though, lol.
PINKERTON TOUR OFFICIALLY WRAPPED UP LAST NIGHT
i did every song on the a side plus an encore of tragic girl and i wore my sexiest weezer garb
i ate a fluffernutter sandwich and we drew lots of pictures. and me ren and mo even got third place in trivia!
i used to only want to do karaoke of song i knew i could sing or at least hit all the notes in but this has opened my eyes. people will go nuts if you seem excited up there even if you're not singing well
a dead bird behind right where lucy parked was pissing her off. i ate vegan sushi and read in the park. I just finished Let The Be Light. I really enjoy reading comics of the book of genesis i'm trying to find more
ice cream aisle closed when lucy asked me to buy ice cream. shi shi shi. cigarette butt suspended by spider web
