in most timelines, shinji doesn’t die. in fact, there was only one instance where kaworu witnessed shinji’s death… && it was not pretty.
things hadn’t been like this before. this timeline- this reality… it was so new. kaworu had made so many decisions that they had never made before… it was almost exhilarating for them. many of those decisions had been spurred on by something animalistic- a desperation sparked from one who had lost the one they loved one to misery too many times. it was out of the need to see shinji’s smiling face. they would do anything to see it… they would do anything to bring him joy.
that was why things had been so different. when they met on the beach, kaworu had told shinji that they would help him out of his situation. they agreed to help shinji run away. who cares if they run? who cares if they leave all of this to the other lilin? it didn’t matter. shinji was the only thing that mattered. even if another impact came about, kaworu had been convinced they could run away with shinji and protect him just as easily.
it wasn’t hard to convince shinji to run away.
of course it wasn’t hard to do that.
as much as it would pain kaworu to admit it’s predictability.
they had mapped out plans in a single night. where to go, what to do if they were pursued, ways to live out their life together without worrying about piloting the EVAs ever again. kaworu was rejecting everything- the safety of the world, the word of NERV, the word of SEELE… none of that could ever stack up to shinji ikari, anyway. and what was so wrong about running from what’s painful, anyway? why not leave everyone hurting you in the dust?
shinji didn’t need any of them. not asuka, who spat hostilities at their beloved shinji-kun. not rei, who barely offered two words to their beloved shinji-kun. not misato, who put their beloved shinji-kun in danger. and certainly not his rotten FATHER, who brought beloved shinji-kun to their world but did not care if he took beloved shinji-kun right back out.
why would they need any of those people? why would shinji need any of those people?
that’s what kaworu told themself when they ran away with shinji. and for a while, it worked… but kaworu running with UNIT 01′s valuable pilot didn’t exactly make NERV happy, and their abandonment of their agreement didn’t leave SEELE very happy either. it didn’t take long for lilin with guns to come chasing after the fugitives. shinji had admitted defeat instantly- but kaworu saw red.
for the first time, they felt like a true monster. for the first time, their lack of humanity was very evident to themself.
they scooped shinji up in their arms, and ran away as fast as they could. shinji didn’t protest despite his shock. despite everything, it delighted kaworu… he must love them, to not protest. so they kept running, a smile unwavering on their face. they were convinced they could outrun the guns… the bullets. none of that could outsmart kaworu.
it got bad fast. there were too many people- too much going on. it wasn’t going to be long before a different UNIT would be deployed. kaworu was getting desperate, though it didn’t show on their face. and so, in order to escape, they did the unimaginable… and let their facade break. the tattoos of angel wings prominent on their back shifted and transformed into real feathered wings, and they took flight.
shinji was silent with fear at first. but then, his voice met kaworu’s ears.
“you-” he whimpered within kaworu’s tight grasp. “you’re an angel…” the realization came with a cracked voice. kaworu’s smile twitched.
“i’ll explain everything to you, shinji. i swear.” kaworu promised. shinji’s eyes widened.
“let me go.”
“shinji-”
“LET ME GO!!!” shinji yelled at the top of his lungs, terror overtaking him all at once. he began flailing, falling from kaworu’s tight grasp close to their chest and instead sliding so that kaworu was grasping his hands as he swung underneath their flying figure. they held on tight, despite shinji’s horrified wriggling. “you betrayed me!!” shinji claimed. it hurt to hear, but kaworu did not falter.
“you’ll fall, shinji. please, calm down.” of course, kaworu’s attempts were nullified. shinji continued to writhe. but kaworu was fine… they knew they could keep their grip.
rather suddenly, a round of loud bullets were fired in their direction. they didn’t dare look back to see the attackers again. they heard shinji scream a shrill screech. they knew he must be afraid… dangling so dangerously. they ignored their despairing protests until eventually shinji conceded and stopped.
eventually, they reached a point that they could rest without the vicious pursuit. it would prove just long enough of a respite for them to explain themself to shinji… so they stopped there, bringing shinji down and bringing him close to their chest in a hug. they landed, and wrapped their wings around him.
“i’m sorry for scaring you. please understand that even though i’m an angel, i wish you no harm. i care about you… i love you. so, please, keep running with me??” kaworu said delicately.
shinji did not reply.
“…shinji?”
shinji still did not reply.
in fact, he did not even breathe.
kaworu slowly brought shinji away from their hug.
their expression dropped. eyes wide, feathers standing on end, hand clasping over their face. before them, shinji sat limply in the position they had him in when they hugged him. his body was full of holes, dripping blood from every direction, bullets lodged deep within his skin if not completely gone all the way through. his face was twisted in horror, tear streaks fresh on his newly deadened facial features.
kaworu gripped their own face with both hands, digging their nails into their own cheeks. they had never seen shinji’s dead body before. their body lurched forward as they now gripped their own shoulders, tears pooling up at the corners of their eyes before spilling freely onto their dead beloved’s face. it was their fault. they had killed shinji.
they started screaming, as loud as they possibly could, keening into the open air with no regard for people finding them here. they just made as much noise as they could, sobbing harder than they even knew they could. they really were an angel. a monster. so far from human. had they deluded themself into believing in a happy ending for something like them?
