@exell24 - Tumblr Blog

I was in sort of a deep sleep. Then I read something I didn’t like a forced myself awake. Through off my rest.

There's stuff I wanted to say. Just haven't had the time.

#I told someone we should go to the movies friday #Followed up #She said which one again #I'm going by myself now #I know what that is #then she said I'll let you know in the morning #ma'am #you don't have to say no twice #I was going to go first anyway #thought I'd ask to switch things up an include people #now I don't feel bad going solo #everybody's good

...

#I had a very intriguing dream last night #hope

I’m sorry

The Ying Yang twins did a song with Brittany Spears?!

#why am I finding this out now?

Intersting.

This is good.

#the release of the need of acceptance is freedom #thats why I've always able to be me #I'm seeing another place where I can see #I was never wanted #that means I don't have to care there and just think my thoughts

After the wedding, the groom was talking to two guests as I came over to him. One of the was still sitting down and said something to me and used my name!

I looked at her confused and failed to hold back “James, who is this woman?”

I did not recognize her at all and she somehow knew me?

Turns out she’s been to our apartment twice and I helped her move by myself after her, her and her other friend left for different reasons. That’s probably why I didn’t remember what she looks like. She wasn’t there moving her own stuff.

That was one of two situations that night that made it seem like I really don’t see or care about people. I just be minding my business.

#James told me she wanted me to hang out with them #after I kept making James laugh at her new apartment #she said he was too quiet when they hung out and never saw him like this #James tells me her told her know cause I was annoying to be around #not annoying for her #just annoying #I laugh at his candor #I told people this all the time and they thought I was being too hard on myself #I just know how people feel about me sometimes and don’t push it

I like being alone tho

#there's few who are equal company to my thoughts

After the wedding the pastor came up to me again about me finding a partner. In addition to the advice of write down the qualities your looking for in a person and be when I need to be for that type of person (All advice I've given to others) this time he added in to prepare in ways that I believe now I need to get ready (and in someways, already started)

The last few times I felt this, these things came to pass. I'm currently living things I felt to prepare for in 2024. In 2022 I felt the need to either push hard or chill because my family might need me soon. I choose to chill because I just got done being needed, whats the chances they'd need me again? They did. They do now.

I know I'm right to prepare. If not for a wife. Just for me the road is clearing up for me to run so I'm stretching.

I don't understand why people want me to be the one to break the silence or speak first to someone who, explicitly or implicitly has shown that they don't want to talk to me.

Why would I want to push past their boundary? If its now longer there, how would I know if they don't speak first? They pushed me away. "Just go talk to the person who last I know, didn't want anything to do with me?"

"You think it will be fine or you know they're receptive? How? Cause I don't know. And I like not bothering people that truly don't like me."

Well I had to this time. She was receptive. Even gave me a hug and I hardly get those.

I just don't like to be first when I'm not the one to close the door. It feels invasive and wrong.

#if you changed and your cool with me now let me know #everyone knows if you talk to me I'll talk with you #I can't guarantee if I talk to someone they'll respond #so why would I do that to someone who rejected me #I'm minding my business

Pastor came up to me after the rehearsal and said he would be praying that I find my misses.

#sir #I've known I'm going to be alone #I accepted that in hs #not just romantically #I've just always been alone #That's just me and its cool #It would be funny if I met somebody at the wedding #That's not possible tho #so

I think I got my best man speech.

Took me a half hour. I might add stuff when I'm up there.

#Didn't wait till the day of #two days out tho #if I have it memorized it will be easier to freestyle

I just got my rental suit for this wedding.

MY BOOTY IS OO FULL DISPLAY!!!!

It fits on my waist just fine, it is hugging my cheeks.

#and I am on bulge watch with this thing #normally I wouldn't care #this is a wedding tho

She came up in convo again! This time with someone she went to school with (I was at church). She gonna tell me she was weird! In a bad way 😑. I was correcting her as polite as I could, highlighting unique qualities of the woman in question and their superficial similarities without flipping out. How dare you. I don't get angry easily. Don't talk negatively about her. I don't care if I never see her again.

#granted if I was going to see her again it wouldve happened already #so I don't expect to see her ever #I'll still defend her til I die #being weird isn't a bad thing #she meant it in a bad way #she was different in the best way

Saw this woman yesterday, in the middle of the convo I asked her if she remembers people from the church. She younger than me so should remember this guy when I bring him up.

"Remember James?"

Yeah

"He's getting married next week."

*talking about that*

Her: "What about 'GP'?"

Ah, that's right, she was her friend. In fact, when she moved to AZ I was told that GP was the only friend that she made that her grandparents approved of. I do like friends reuniting, and encourage strong female friendships, Unfortunately, I cannot help. I have no idea how she's been. I pray for her tho.

"I am not sure."

#people still ask me about her #I'm typing this on my macbook and to the left of this is radar for people I might want to follow #this profile has the nickname they gave her #she didn't like that name so I never called her that #the amount of things that are direct references to her throughout my day are staggering #I guess people still ask cause she was cool #and ask me cause I am too #ha

Its not delusion if I'm right!

#I can do literally anything #I'll look crazy until its this reality is seen #off the beaten path #I'll create something new

I was in a talkative mood.

Was told to shut up.

#hasn't happened like that in a long time

They really want me to bring a plus one to this wedding reception.

#I'm the best man #and I don't have a plus one for the table for the wedding party #I'm use to being the odd one out #I would bring one #just don't have anyone that I would bring to this

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