haz @expectevenless - Tumblr Blog

lee heeseung x reader

getting to know that weird guy that seems to like whatever you do shouldn't be this complicated, right?

wc: ~10k

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you hate it.

it’s the way the rain soaks through your dirty converse shoes, leaving your socks wet and your feet cold. the way you still have five minutes to go and no one to pick you up and save you from this misery.

you hate everything about this, though can’t you help yourself and continue to move on. if it means your best friend of 10 years will be happy, you’d even swim through a frozen ocean.

maybe it is time for you to invest into a new pair of your everyday converse - in black, never in white. then, you wouldn’t mind walking through the rain, hiding your gift under your worn leather jacket, cheeks stinging from the cold wind nibbling at them.

your eyes move up the wall of the apartment building your best friend lives in, two of the four windows glowing from inside. she has told you before that most of the residents would be out for the weekend, granting her the opportunity to celebrate her birthday. this also means that it will be loud, no need to worry about the police knocking at the door.

you feel the bass vibrating through your body as you climb up the stairs, mixed with laughter and the sound of sneakers scratching along the floor.

what happened to the no shoes inside rule?

exhaling gently through your nose, you look down as you take out the gift from your jacket, glad that the wrapping paper seems to be dry entirely. all there is left to do is ring the bell or knock on the door, just as you always do.

though, something makes you hesitate, your lower lip stuck between your teeth, shoulders tensing as you continue to listen to the music merging from the other side.

your feet sting from the cold rain that soaked through. you hate it.

“aren’t you supposed to ring the bell?” a deep voice asks from behind you, pulling a small gasp from your throat.

you turn your head towards the guy, dressed in black. his blond hair spills from the sides of his beanie, his eyes gentle and looking directly at you.

you turn back towards the door, “yeah.”

raising your cold hand, you push the doorbell, sighing as your fingers sting slightly.

the two of you stand there, waiting [hoping] for someone to open the door, and freeing you from this awkward silence.

you hear the guy from behind you inhale, getting ready to talk to you again as the door suddenly swings open, revealing your best friend with a certain glow on her face.

“babe!” she throws her arms out to hug you, her voice echoing through the hallway.

you chuckle, trying to dodge her grappy hands, “‘m soaked through, don’t want you to get wet.”

you follow her inside as she steps away, turning to greet the guy behind you who wishes her a happy birthday in that same gentle tone from before.

your eyes shift towards the open living room filled with many faces you have yet to meet, all of them in their own bubble, laughing, talking, some even dancing around. you only ever look away when you feel blond guy walk over to the living room, his scent leaving a trail behind him.

dolce&gabbana, the one.

“why didn’t you tell me that it was pouring outside?” your best friends concerned eyes meet yours, hands resting on your shoulders.

you shrug, pushing your present towards her, “what would have changed?”

“i’d pick you up, or whatever.”

“and abandon the party?”

taking the gift from your hands, wonhee moves to place it at the small table next to the door, “i still don’t understand why you didn’t sleep here yesterday, anyway. you always do.”

wetting your lips quickly, you straighten your back, “uh, yeah. james wanted to meet.”

wonhees eyes light up, “oh! is he coming later?”

“we broke up.”

both of you stand there, looking at the other in silence. you gently rock on the heels of your feet, hands stuffed into your pockets.

you chuckle at how wonhee opens and closes her mouth, as if wanting to grasp the right words to say, her eyebrows raised.

“babe, i-“

“‘t’s fine, promise.”

and it really is, if you are being honest. sure, it sucks that he broke up with you and went to a party right afterwards, but what could you have possibly done?

wonhee shakes off her initial shock and takes a step closer to you, clearing her throat, “do you want me to, uh, i don’t know, like, we can- maybe go talk?”

drawing in your brows, you scoff at her cute attempt to be there for you, “what? won, it’s literally your party? let’s go, have some fun and stuff.”

“and stuff?” she repeats, shaking her head.

you shrug off your jacket and lay it down onto the table, moving towards the kitchen to wash your hands. wonhee follows you, preparing a paper towel for you ti dry your hands with.

you nod, “yeah, stuff! won, i saw it coming, i was prepared.” you tell her, throwing the paper towel into the bin, “i shouldn’t have told you here, ‘m sorry.”

“shut the fuck up, you better tell me everything!” she slaps your shoulder, eyes wide in disbelief, “what the fuck? like, out of nowhere?”

you groan, “ugh, i guess? it’s whatever, lets talk when everyone’s gone.”

wonhee nods, though her eyes tell you that she won’t be letting you off that easily. the two of you enter the crowded living room, people immediately beginning to walk up to wonhee.

you smile and introduce yourself to some of them, though you can feel the tension creeping up your back, your wet socks making you shiver. you bite back your discomfort and reply to some of the questions directed at you, laughing and joking about whatever topic the others talk about.

whenever you could, you looked around the room to check who else you might know, hoping to find a way to move to a quiet corner, maybe get the chance to calm yourself down.

“hey, babe.” a familiar voice speaks down into your ear, hot air fanning your neck.

you head spins to look at the person, his beanie gone, revealing his [oddly purposefully] messy hair, his pink lips stretched to a grin, as if he knew something you don’t.

you take a step back, “that’s not my name.” you look back to the group, all of them engaging with each other, no one noticing that you aren’t there anymore.

“that’s what won called you, though.” blonde guy nods to your best friend, hands shoved into the pockets of his black pants.

his parfum slowly circles around your space, gentle, warm, familiar.

“yeah, she’s my friend.”

“what’s your name then?”

you tell him your name, gulping as he tests it himself as if he is savoring some expensive wine, his plush lips making the bottom of your cold feet tingle.

what is his deal?

“i think i’ll go with babe, i like it.” he leans down, chuckling as you scoff at his words.

“i don’t remember giving you the permission to do so?” you roll your eyes, arms crossed in front of your chest, “how about you introduce yourself first?”

“oh, so you’re curious?”

you cringe, sigh escaping your moth at this poor flirting attempt, if you could call this flirting at all, “no, but calling you blonde guy all the time seems rather annoying, y’know.”

“i don’t mind, but if that’s what you want, babe,” you find yourself following his lead as he slowly steps away from the group next to you, walking towards the kitchen, “‘m heeseung. wonhee and i go to the same gym.”

“the uni gym?” you find yourself asking before you can hold back.

ugh, so much for wanting to be nonchalant.

heeseung nods, opening the fridge to take put two cans of whatever soda he could find, handing you one, “yeah, ‘m a third year. we help the new ones.”

“cool.”

you take a sip from the frizzy drink, eyes looking around the familiar kitchen. having a gossip session here later when everyone leaves will be amazing, you can already feel it in your veins.

“you?” his soft voice lulls you out of your thoughts, big brown eyes directed at you, “you guys are, what do girls say, besties?”

you pull your lips into a straight line, “yeah. since kindergarten.”

“cool.”

you move to speak up, any excuse you could muster up to end the conversation and move back to the living room, though heeseung is faster, almost eager in the way he leans back against the counter.

“i saw you a few times, when you came to pick her up. you a biology major?”

he shifts in his place, hands behind him at first, than back to holding the can in front of him, fiddling with the clasp.

your eyes widen slightly, “yeah, how’d you know?”

he clears his throat, tilting his head as his eyes look down at the can in his hands, a [surprisingly] soft strand of his dyed hair covering his forehead.

“saw you talking to jake a few times, bio is his second major.”

you raise an eyebrow in surprise, “what a small world.”

“yeah.”

someone come and save you from this weird conversation, please. you have no idea what heeseung wanted when he approached you first, though you wish to go back to wonhee and find comfort in her presence.

you turn to place the soda can onto the kitchen table, not in the mood to drink any ore than you have to. even though you have told wonhee that you saw the break up coming, you still find yourself thinking about it all, the way the words spilled from his lips so mercilessly, as if he didn’t grieve the loss of your presence at all. and standing here in a dimly lit kitchen with an [annoyingly] attractive guy does not help at all. back then, you would have not a conversation with a guy such as heeseung at all, loyal to a fault to your lover. you guess you still need some time to get used to it all, get used to being free to do whatever you wanted without any doubt.

“i,” you speak up, mind in a haze, “i’ll go and see what wonhee’s up to. i- i guess i’ll see you around?” you shoot him a small smile, hopeful that be understands before you leave the kitchen. there is no reason for you to wait for him to reply, you have to find a calm corner and calm down.

you really want to change your socks, you think to yourself, back now leaning against the cold wall opposite to where wonhee was standing with another group of people you don’t care about.

the red light, the laughter, the heavy buss flying around the room, it all zooms in to you, air sticky and salty a way you can’t quite explain.

james would have loved it, taking your hand to drag you over to the beer pong table, or maybe over to his guys, as he would call them.

you don’t miss him, not really.

this pit in your stomach is because of the loss of your usual routine, your familiarity.

you are used to hanging out with james and his guys, are used to text him every now and then when he was somewhere else. you always wake up to his text and go to sleep with the thought of him.

so, what now? do you have to create a whole mew routine now?

you hate it.

your eyes dart to wonhee as you hear her loud laugh booming over the other noises, lips stretching to a smile as you watch her throw her head back, her whole being shaking as she laughs at something you probably would not find funny at all.

fuck james.

you’ll create a new routine, get your groove back. why should you waver because of something so minor?

nodding to yourself, you push yourself of the wall, determination beating through your veins.

———————————

“what a fucking loser,” wonhee yawns, stretching her arms above her head in hopes to shake her tiredness out of her, “so he just broke up with you and went to kiss everyone at that party?”

you look down at the video playing on your phone, the smell of black coffee in the cup next to you sobering you up, “apparently.”

this is not what you expected to see when you woke up to wonhee clinging to your side this morning. it was the restless vibration of your phone against the nightstand that pulled you out of your dreamless slumber, a heavy sigh leaving your nose.

wonhee takes a seat next to you, her head tilts to look at your phone laying on the table. she hums, taking a sip from your coffee.

“ugh,” she gags, turning her head away, “no sugar.”

you close your eyes as you throw your head back, biting back a groan, “guess he broke up with me mentally, like, some time ago.”

“tch,” your best friend shakes her head, hand running through her straight hair, “he was always weird, and you knew it.”

“he was easy, though.” you look up the ceiling, thinking about the many things that you liked about your ex-boyfriend.

besides his good looks, he was pretty easy to handle, never made you say something twice, and was a great guy in general. well, most of the time. wonhee would disagree with you, telling you over and over again that she got this weird vibe off of him.

she must have been right, you think now.

you get up to start preparing a light breakfast, the tiredness from yesterdays party pulling at your muscles.

who cares, it’s all in the past anyway.

you hear wonhee shift in her seat, her voice light as she speaks up after a while, “‘t’s just, like, it came out of nowhere? didn’t you guys plan to go to visit his family next month?”

you hum in agreement, “he also wanted to move in together some day.”

it’s quite for a second, then you two speak up simultaneously, “men.”

your best friend groans, a gentle thud echoes through the room as she rests her head against the kitchen table, “babe, what the fuck.” she looks at you as you set down two plates with avocado toast, no emotion visible on your face.

“are you really okay, though?”

you think for a moment, “i don’t know. i guess i, well, maybe it still has to settle in? i mean, well, yeah.”

you quietly curse at yourself your not speaking properly, frustration pulling your words from your mouth, “he’s a loser. whatever.”

“no, for real!” wonhee is quick to agree, “we’ll try to forget about him, i mean- kissing four girls right after breaking up with your long-term girlfriend? really?”

you nod, looking down at the paused video one last time before you delete it, not in the mood to be reminded of such event again.

and this is what wonhee and you decide to do the following weeks; getting into a new routine, ridding yourself from all the reminders left by your ex-boyfriend, going so far to deleting his number from your phone even. it stings, you must admit, losing your favorite person all of a sudden and not being able to do anything about it. james never contacts you after the break up, and before you can tell, an entire month passes.

you don’t know how to grieve it, if you are being honest. do you even have the right to do so? you feel okay, you guess, you don’t cry whenever someone mentions his name in passing, don’t fall into panic when you find one of his forgotten hoodies in your wardrobe or whatever. though you fall back into habits that automatically include him; you buy stuff from the grocery store you usually wouldn’t eat, cook way more than a single person should eat for one meal, leave a spot on your shoe shelf for him, and much more than you realize.

this is why you hate changing your routine, hate having to adjust yourself to things you did not decide for yourself.

you carry the lunchbox in your right hand as the other pushes the heavy gym door open, the sound of sneaker squeaking against the polished gym floors bouncing off the walls. you should wait herein the hallway, no need for you to enter the gym and disturb your friend during her class.

“babe?” you hear a familiar voice behind you, a groan leaving you as you turn around.

“you know what my name is, heeseung.” you don’t bother to greet him properly, eyes lazily mustering up his figure.

you didn’t notice back then as he wore black, oversized clothes, but heeseung has a nice build, you must admit. his strong neck running into his broad shoulders, his arms muscular and his chest proud.

fuck men, honestly.

“and you know that i don’t care.”

“do i?”

“well,” he flashes you a cheeky grin, “you do now.”

“okay.”

he nods to the lunchbox you are holding, “here for won?”

“mhm, made too much, didn’t want to throw it away.”

heeseung walks past you towards the open door, his hand gesturing for you to follow him inside.

you hesitate, “don’t have gym shoes.”

he chuckles, looking into your eyes in this alluring, confident way that makes your ears ring, “we aren’t in highschool anymore, babe.”

“stop calling me-“

“i can’t hear you!” he yells over his shoulder, already moving to the mirror your best friend standa in front of, stretching her upper body while talking to some person you have never seem before.

you take one last breath as you enter the gymnasium, eyes darting around, hoping to stay out of any trouble. the last time you entered a gymnasium, someone threw a ball against your head, leaving you with a red print for the rest f the week, an experience you are not too eager to repeat.

you hear wonhee call out your name excitedly, her eyes shining as she walks to meet you halfway.

“‘seung said you brought me food?”

you smile at your friend, “yeah, made too much, since, y’know” you shrug, hoping to come off as unbothered [you desperately hope you do].

wonhee takes the lunchbox out of your hand and moves to a bench at the wall, hands already moving to move a piece of the bimbap towards her mouth.

heeseung comes to stand next to you, the warmth of his body tickling your arm, “nothing for me?”

you look into his eyes, deadpan, “no. only the ones i like.”

you blink at him as he flashes you his pearly whites, eyes disappearing behind his smile, “you could like me, y’know. just gotta give me a chance.”

“and then what?”

“babe,” he [fucking] whines, “you have no idea how fun i can be, right-“ he turns to your best friend who is occupied with shoving her face into the lunchbox, “wonhee? tell her how fun i can be!”

wonhee snorts, shaking her head, “yeah, real fun in the time out corner coach designated for you only.”

you giggle at your friends comment, ignoring the way heeseungs head snaps back to you. you walk to sit next to her on the bench, kegs stretched out in front of you.

“when are you done?”

“have an hour left, coach said we’re gonna play some basketball.”

you nod, looking around the gymnasium to see different kinds of sports being performed all at the same time. you also watch heeseung approach the basketball court, shouting something to the guys that are already playing a match.

one of them passes the ball to him, and they begin a new match. you listen to wonhee as she explains the different rules to you, her voice laced with excitement that you knew all too well, as the two of you follow heeseung who dribbles past two other guys.

“oh,” wonhee flinches, “that’s a foul.”

you turn back to look at heeseung who now stands a fee meters away from the basket, ball in hand. his head turns to look at you, pointer finger stretched out towards you, “this one’s for you, babe!” his voice booms across the gym.

sinking in your seat in hopes to dissolve into thin air, you can’t help but watch him as he bounces the ball a few times before lifting it to throw it towards the basket.

without noticing, you hold your breath, and it feels as if time slows down as your eye follow the ball that- bounces off the basket?

next to you, wonhee bends over, laughing ao loud that everyone else seems to stop what they are doing to look at you two, and you, for some reason, look down at your hands, biting your lips to prevent yourself from following your best duends actuons.

the guys on the court laugh at heeseung as well, though he doesn’t seem to mind, hand scratching the back of his neck as he looks back to you, sheepishly grinning at you and wonhee.

“what a loser,” wonhee finally calms down and wipes away a stray tear from her cheek, “i love whatever is wrong with him.”

“well, he must be having the time of his life, i guess?” you try to be polite, but you cant help but bite you lower lip to stop your self from laughing at the situation from earlier.

the way he looked so cocky, smirking at you before he threw the ball.

yeah, you would never let him live that one down.

wonhee scoffs, “by time of his life, do you mean him embarrassing himself in front of his crush?”

that makes you halt.

“crush?” you try to keep your voice calm, not wanting to show that her words affect you in any way.

she nods, bumping her shoulder with yours, “babe, heeseung calls you ‘babe’, i guess the reason is pretty obvious.”

you roll her eyes, bumping her back, “no, he does so because you call me babe all the time. he’s just annoying.”

“hee’s” wonhee wiggles her eyebrows, laughing at your face painted in disbelief.

“he’s, as in he is. you know, like, two words?”

“yeah, sure. whatever you say.”

“what is that supposed to mean?”

“it means,” she sits up, empty lunchbox balancing on her thighs, “that it would be cute, you and him, like, a thing.”

“a thing?” you echo, scoffing, “i just got out of a relationship, remember?”

“yeah? with a total loser.”

“you never said that before the break up.”

“‘m pretty sure i did, actually-“

“ladies.” wonhee and you look up at heeseung who now stands in front of you, the redness on his cheeks and ears now more noticeable than before, “coach wants to start in five.”

nodding, you get off the bench and take the lunchbox back, “i’ll see you at four?”

your friend nods, stretching her arms, “i’ll see you then, babe.”

your eyes meet heeseungs one last time as you nod to him as well, your legs moving fast together out of the gym as soon as possible.

you hate it.

——————————————

“what are you doing here?”

When you first heard the doorbell, you jumped out of your chair, happy to spend some time with your best friend and to debrief about your current situation even more.

What you did not expect, however, is to be standing in front of heeseung, greeting you with a handsome smile and his parfum pulling you into a gentle hug.

Familiar.

“that is not how you greet guests!” wonhee scolds you, already stepping inside your flat, her shoes placed next to yours on the floor.

“yeah! I thought you liked me!” a new voice, jake, speaks up from behind heeseung, his head peeking from the side.

You roll our eyes, “you, I actually know and like,” your eyes shift to look at the other guy, “it’s him I don’t know.”

The fake blonde shrugs, his smile never ceasing as he takes a step forward to enter your home, not caring whether he was invited in or not.

“well, babe-”

Jake turns to look at wonhee, “babe?”

Your friend shrugs.

“-you now have the chance to get to know me!” he leans down a bit, head tilting and eyes staring directly into yours, before he straightens his back and takes a look around your flat.

You groan, “won,” your hand closes around your friends arm, “what are men doing in my home?”

Throwing her head back at your misery, wonhee can’t help but let the laughs spill from her mouth, “jake said that he needed some stuff for the presentation, I told him to tag along.”

Your eyes widen, “right!” you turn to look at your partner, “I finished all the readings and wrote down which notes to add.” jake winks at you, “you are the very best, thanks.”

He licks his lips as if wanting to continue, though is jake shoved away by his very own friend, who shows not a bit of shame.

“anyway,” heeseung shoots a quick glare to jake who complains about his friend under his breath, something along the lines that men used to go to war or whatever.

Ugh.

“yes?” you turn to look at him once and then move to walk towards your kitchen table turned desk, your laptop and different papers filling up the space.

Heeseung follows, “what are you working on?”

Your eyes scan through the different papers in practiced ease, picking up the ones you plan to give jake, “presentation, and my thesis.” You are too polite to ignore him [is what you wish to believe].

“cool.”

“yeah.”

You move back to the couch in your living room, wonhee and jake sitting there comfortably, talking about god knows what.

“here,” you hand him the papers, “just tell me what part you want to present, I’ll handle the rest.”

“thanks, man!” jake looks through the content, leaning back in his seat, “we can leave the-“

“say, babe,” heeseung cuts off his friend, “what is your thesis about?”

You hear jake behind you groan, and wonhee laughing at him, as if it is the most natural thing in the entire world. As if this has always been part of your routine, something that would never change.

You clear your throat and answer his question, moving to sit at the other sofa next to the others. Heeseung copies you, the cushion dipping to adjust to his weight.

“so,” he clears his throat, “heard you and james broke up.”

“dude!”

“yo, man, what the fuck?”

You sigh to yourself, amused but also tired. Even though you have just met heeseung, you can tell that he does not have any ill intention, he might be just curious for all you know.

Familiar.

You nod, interrupting the train of hate from your friends directed at the blonde, “yeah, he broke up, actually.”

“what a loser.”

“no, for real!” wonhee agrees, turning to jake [who gasped louder than any of your friends when they first heard the news] to give him the details.

You blend their voices out, looking back to heeseung who not even once looked away, “it’s whatever, kinda saw it coming.” You shrug.

“did you, though?”

You swallow, looking down at your hands.

Did you really? You believed that things between you and james were going steady, it was him that made plans for the near future, and also him who broke you off as if it has been obvious to everyone. Well, everyone but you, you think.

“yeah, I guess.” You don’t want him to know that you still stay up at night, overthinking every little interaction you and your ex-boyfriend had before the breakup. You don’t want wonhee to know either, she spent the past month trying to help you move on, you feel, well, guilty?

“I, I didn’t want to be, rude, or whatever- fuck,” heeseung straightens his back, voice gentle in a way you have never heard before, “’m sorry, like, it must suck.”

“it does.”

“well, I would like to get to know you, like, for real.” He explains, almost hesitating, or more likely taking careful steps, as if you would jump away if he dared to utter something wrong.

Your eyes dart to where wonhee and jake are sitting, engrossed in their own gossip session, hunched over her phone as if it carried the nations secrets [which it probably does, knowing her].

You lick your lips, “heeseung, listen, i-“ you take a deep breath, heart beating loud in your ears, “I just got out of a relationship, don’t you think it would be, y’know, like, unfair?”

Confused, “unfair?”

You look away, “you seem to be a great guy, heeseung, i bet you are, but, I can’t- ugh.” You sit up, looking at him this time. You never had any issues with expressing yourself clearly, it frustrates you that you seem to struggle now out of all times, “I can’t give you whatever you hope to have with me, in a, what- serious relationship? Not now, I don’t even know if ever.”

You bite the back your groan, embarrassed that you are actually having this conversation in the four walls of your own home, with your best friend and another friend of yours sitting just a few meters away.

And you can’t even muster up the strength to be mad a t heeseung, his big brown eyes sparkle as he looks down at you, hair framing his forehead in this stupidly handsome way that makes your blood boil.

“we can try,” he starts, eyes looking at your lips for a second, then movung back to your eyes, “’m not as bad as you think I am.”

you shake your head, “listen, I can’t do this- like, casual stuff. I need commitment, I need clarity.” You begin to explain, now feeling a bit shy, “I never thought of you to be a bad person, or whatever. I just, I need time to adjust to new stuff, and well, people. Including you.”

Wonhees loud laughter and jakes exaggerated gasp reach your ears, signalling to you that they have not been listening to this somewhat conversation between you and heeseung.

You bite your lip, feeling oddly exposed. You didn’t lie to him; you don’t need to. Everyone knows that you are person who works the best with her routine, with the structure that you planned ages ago, finding comfort in it all.

You don’t want to break his heart, can’t stand the thought of being the cause of someone else’s heartbreak, the same way it has been done to you. Heeseung genuinely seems to be kind and fun guy to be around, you don’t want to break that warm spirit.

“then I’ll adjust, babe,” he sounds almost desperate, you note, leaning down close enough for his minty breath fan your cheek, “just, one chance, all ‘m asking for.”

“and what, do whatever I want you to?”

Heeseung salutes, oh god, he actually salutes, raising his voice for the very first time since he entered your home, “when a bad bitch tells me to do something, I will, ma’am.”

Wonhee and jake stop their session to look at you two, catching heeseung saluting and you hiding your face behind your hands.

“not that you are a bitch, y’know.” He adds, smiling at your embarrassed yet amused expression.

Calming down, you shake your head slightly, “y’know, let’s just go with the flow, slowly.”

His bright face sent an arrow right through your heart, and you genuinely hoped not to be the cause if it ever disappeared.

-----------------------

Your plan was to entertain heeseung for a while until he got bored, which you thought would be soon, since you don’t enjoy going out and are focused on finishing your thesis first.

Wonhee has told you a few times that heeseung is the kind of a person that enjoys basking in the attention of others at a party, loves going out and meeting new people. Jake also mentioned in passing that him and heeseung have this tradition of going to new bars even outside of town. So, all you ever heard about him is that heeseung is not a homebody, not someone who would stay in to do some course readings or ditch a party because a new episode of his favourite series just aired.

He isn’t like you, nor are you anything seemingly relatable to him.

So, what is he doing here, laying on your couch in your living room, phone in his hands, as you sit on your kitchen table, elbows deep into some research papers.

Wonhee has told you earlier that her and a few of the others would be going out to this show at their main bar, jake and some other guys tagging along.

You thought that’s ‘some other guys’ included lee heeseung, the epitome of social butterfly, as well.

What you did not think about was him who knocked at your door half an hour ago, one hand holding a back of snacks and the other carrying flowers that now found their new home on your coffee table.

You find yourself looking at his relaxed figure over and over again, unsure if you are supposed to speak to him or not.

Thinking back, james never randomly showed up at your place to just hang around while you worked on your notes. He would just go and hang out with his friends, claiming that he had enough uni stuff for the day and would much rather spend his time blowing off the stress – whatever that meant.

Looking back, you start to doubt his loyalty to you in some way, even though that thought alone makes you want to empty your stomach. Are you really that suffocating to be around, so much that your boy-, well, ex-boyfriend sought for comfort in another one’s arms?

Heeseung seems rather content, laying there and playing some weird game you don’t know, his feet dangling from the side of your couch.

You clear your throat, “are you, uh. Would you like to eat anything?”

His head turns towards you, eyes still focusing on his phone, “nah, babe. ‘m waiting for you to finish so we can try some new snacks.”

That piqued your interest, “new snacks?”

He nods, sitting up now, phone laying on the couch next to his thighs.

“I heard they got some new chips flavours, and yeah. Wanted to try them out with you.”

You leave your chair and sit down on the floor next to him, back leaning against the couch. You reach for the bag, pulling out the first snack you can find, as heeseung finds his new place on the floor next to you.

“salty coconut?” you turn the bag of chips to read the ingredients, eyebrows drawn together.

Heeseung leans into your space to read it with you, his voice close to your ear, “bet it slaps.”

You hold your breath when you realize how close your faces really are, turning your head to look at him. His eyelashes are pretty, so are the little moles on his cheek. Did he always have that scar on his upper lip?

“you in love yet?”

You scoff, shoving his upper body, “as if. Just curious about what skincare you use.”

His teasing grin only deepens, “your love.”

“leave.”

“sorry.”

That is how the rest of your evening played out. Even though you wished to get some writing done, you couldn’t bring yourself to leave your place on the floor, pressed against the side of heeseungs torso that radiated a comforting warmth your body seemed to yearn for.

With every new bag of chips you two tried, you felt him shift in his seat, moving closer even if it was just a centimetre. You laughed more at his terrible jokes, your cheeks buring from the heat rushing in your body. Maybe it was the familiar scent of his perfume that pulled you into a gentle hug, his addicting laugh and his teasing hand that caressed your neck from the side after he put his arm around your shoulder.

You hate changing your structured plans, hate that you have more readings to do next time you sat down on your desk.

But closing the door after waving him goodbye later that night, you come to the quiet conclusion that,

Maybe you don’t mind it that much at all.

--------------------------------

Scratch that, you do mind it.

Because how the hell did heeseung convince you to get up at seven in the morning on a Sunday, to go to one of his basketball games and cheer [his words, never yours] on him.

You are sandwiched between jake and wonhee, two gym rats that are a bit too hyped for your liking. The gymnasium is filled with fans, family and friends from all the players gathered down at the court, teams grouped up on their benches. You have yet to see heeseung, not that you are actively looking for him. You are just curious, last time you saw him hold a ball, he missed horribly, making you doubt if he was actually here on a sports scholarship.

“yo!” jakes voice booms next to you, making to follow his gaze direct down to heeseung who is approaching you three, a cloth? in his hand.

“hey, guys,” his gaze shifts to you, lingering a bit before he looks back to jake, “thanks for coming. ‘preciate it.”

Jake talks to him about the rival team, dropping some weird lore you wished to erase from your memory as soon as it reached your ears. Wonhee seems to be just as engaged, her elbows on your thighs to lean towards jake, totally ignoring you as you hiss out. This is the person you call your best friend.

“babe,” heeseung calls out, and you wish to smack his grin off his face that forms whenever you react to his pet name for you. He holds the cloth, which turns out to be a jersey of his, towards you, “for you. Would be cool if you wore it.”

Next to you, jake gasps, his hand hitting your arm in disbelief. Wonhee also seems to enjoy what for her must be a live theatre, her fingers pinching your thigh.

When have all these people around you gotten so violent?

You look at the jersey, its bright red and pale white inviting you to take it from his hands. You sigh, when you see his last name and the number seven on it.

“thank you, I’ll wear it with care.” You say out of politeness [yeah, sure] and give up fighting off the smile creeping onto your lips by the sight of heeseungs sparkling eyes, as if he genuinely couldn’t believe that you would accept.

You, too, can’t believe it, you think, as you watch him jog to his team, some of his mates slapping his back teasingly. Ever since you decided to give him a chance, heeseung has been nothing but a sweetheart, only ever offering, never deciding. But still, even though he only ever offers to go out on walks, to cook together, to study together and or to come and watch his game, you never decline, as if the word ‘no’ has been erased from your vocabulary entirely. Everything is just so easy with him. Heeseung is easy.

That soft spoken way of his, definitely not fake and pretentious as you first have assumed it is, his big eyes, following your every move. You cringe at the thought of it, but even his warm hands, the ones that gently play with your hair whenever you sit down next to him are all the reasons why it is so, how should you word it, calming to be with him, like a gently cloud swallowing you whole. You feel weightless, not caring for anything in the world when heeseungs around.

The game passes in a blur, your university’s team won fair and square, leaving the people in your section to celebrate at the top of their lungs.

The three of you are the first ones to move down, walking to the cabins to wait for your mutual friend – well, kinda-not-really-but-you-have-no-idea-what-else-to-call-him friend, in your case.

“what do you think about number eleven?” jake nods to one of the rival players passing by, hands stuffed into his pockets.

Wonhee and you follow his nod, her face ligting up as you scrunch your nose.

“heck yeah” – “oh hell nah.” You say at the same time, not even surprised that your types don’t match; it has always been like this.

Scandalized, jake turns to look at you, “what, why? Is it because he tripped earlier?”

You scoff, rolling your eyes at his words. “no, ‘m just not into blondes.”

“into what?”

Your group turns to look at where heeseungs voice came from, “forget it.” you shake your head, pinching the hem of the jersey you are wearing to draw his attention to it.

“here you go.”

Heeseung smiles brightly, hand scratching the back of his head, “that must be the reason why I played so well today, no?” he turns to ask your best friend who gags, her arm linking with jakes to drag him away.

“ugh, some of us are lonely!” she whines, not looking back as they disappear into the crowd.

You roll your eyes, twisting your body to look at heeseung who leans against the wall. His hands are in the pocket of his windbreaker; eyes already fixated on you.

He looks good, you note. Face flushed from his shower; hair dried with a towel and pushed out of his face. God really has his favourites, huh.

“you got a staring problem, pal?” you ask, giggling at the way he groans.

“way to ruin our moment.” he pushes himself off the wall, hand closing around the strap of his bag. He starts to walk towards the exit, nodding at you to follow him.

“our moment?” you ask, thanking him under your breath as he holds the door open for you.

Heeseung shrugs, “yeah. Star player, his cheerleader, he wins, they kiss type beat.”

You tilt your head, “didn’t know I got promoted to be your cheerleader.”

The walk to his car is short, some of his teammates dap him up, others congratulate him, though it all passes by quickly, leaving you two standing next to his black car. Without a word, he opens the door and waits for you to be seated before shutting it behind you, you watch him circle the car to get into the driver’s seat, his parfum now stronger in a closed off space.

The one.

“I like it.”

Heeseungs starts the car, one hand on the wheel while the other hands you his phone to choose a playlist, “like what, baby?”

“your parfum. It’s comforting.”

“’cause it’s mine?”

“because it is familiar.” You admit, not wanting to elaborate any more.

His brows draw together, eyes still on the road, “what do you mean.”

You shake your head, “can’t really explain,” god, you are such a bad person, “’t’s not like those other ones. They sting.”

“ah.”

Your favourite song fills the comfortable silence between you. It is always comfortable with him, you can’t recall a time where it felt awkward, a moment in which you desperately searched for a topic to fill the space.

He is the first one to speak up, “what did you guys talk about?”

You lean back against your seat, “eh, you have to be a bit more specific.”

His hand gently slaps your thigh, pulling a gasp from, “when you and won were making eyes at that one player.”

“we weren’t ‘making eyes’ at anyone! Jake just asked us if we found him attractive or not.” You don’t have to explain yourself; you know that. Though seeing the way his lips pout when he asks you about the guy, you can’t help but turn into jelly.

Fuck handsome men.

“what did you say?” heeseung tries to stay nonchalant, but you know better. The subtle way his grip tightens around the wheel, the other one playing with the hem of your jersey, are all obvious signs that he cares – a lot.

You shrug, repeating your answer from before “that I don’t like blondes.”

Heeseung hums.

----------------------------

“coming!” you yell out to the person knocking at your door, even though you can already tell who it is by the way he knocks exactly three times.

Swinging the door open, you first look at his leather jacket the two of you bought last week, a smile tugging at the corner of your lips.

It quickly fades as you look at his head, well, his hair.

His brown hair. Not blonde, the way it was just a few hours ago.

“the fuck?” is all you say as you step to the side to make room for him to walk inside, his airy laugh filling the silence of your home.

You shut the door and immediately turn to him, your hands already running through his soft hair.

Heeseung doesn’t hesitate and leans down, making it easier for you to touch him just how he wants you to.

“you like it?”

Ugh, screw him and his honeylike voice and his pretty smile and his neck and-

“i- what, like, why?” you find it hard to form a coherent thought, flashed by how good he looks. He looked ridiculously good before, his blonde hair made his big brown eyes pop out more, but brown hair? And his soft pink lips? Heeseung better try not to provoke you any more if he values his ability to stand up right.

He shakes his head to mess up his curls a bit, hand moving to place a few stray strands in order, “don’t know, just felt like it.”

You gulp, hoping to calm yourself down a bit.

“looks good, hee. Even better with your new jacket.” You point out, a poor attempt to change the topic for a reason you can’t name.

His lips stay stuck in a big smile, twisting his upper body from side to side as if to present you the jacket one more time, “yeah, a really cool person helped me pick it out.”

“ah,” you walk towards your kitchen table, your own worn-out leather jacket draped over the back of a chair, “that one person who also owns a cool leather jacket? The one you always tried to steal?”

Heeseung chuckles at your words, draping his jacket over yours even though there are many other places in your home he could have used, “yeah, I kinda like her style. She is my style, to be honest.”

“yuck.”

“enough.” Heeseung picks you up, throwing you over his shoulders as you yell out in protest. He doesn’t seem to care, though, moving through your little flat in practiced ease, just as he has done many times before, until he reaches your bedroom.

Without hesitation, he kicks open the door, throwing you onto the bed, suddenly straddling you, “apologize.”

“what.” You push your upper body up to lean back on your arms, knee bumping agsinst the inside of his thigh, low.

“you ruined our couple-y moment. Apologize.”

“I aint do shit, hee. Get off.” You fall back onto your back as you try to push him off with both your hands against his chest. He doesn’t move, instead he plops down onto you, caging you between your mattress and his upper body.

“ugh,” you groan, head butting into his, “you are heavy, babe, get off!”

you are left cold when he jumps off, eyes wide.

“I changed my mind, come back.” You grumble, “you are warm.”

Heeseung ignores your [in his opinion fucking adorable] command, “what did you just call me?”

You lift your head again, confused. “what?”

He smirks, leaning over you this time, hands on either side of your head. His face is dangerously close to yours, his long bangs tickling your nose.

“you called me ‘babe’.”

You feel the heat creep up your neck. Trying to keep your cool, you search for the right thing to say.

“grown ass man getting worked up over a common nickname, by the way.”

you hear his hands slide over your sheets, his fingers playing with your earlobe. Has he always been this- bold? When did you two get this comfortable with each other, fuck, when did you let him get so close to you? Last time you checked, it was you telling him that you didn’t want to hurt his feelings, you knew that you needed time to get over your past relationship and the wounds it had opened from your past.

Have you moved on? You think so. Are you ready for something new? You don’t know. And this scares you more than you realized, not knowing, not having an opinion, a plan to organize it all.

Thinking back to the past few weeks, you have not been planning anything at all. With heeseung around, you didn’t need to. He would show up whenever, somehow always knowing where you were. His charming smile luring you in to follow him into whatever adventure he has planned for the two of you. He knew exactly what to say to push your buttons, knew how to tilt his head and soften his voice to soften your hardened features when his teasing went too far. He never went too far though, if you are being honest. Not then, not now, here, leaning down closer and closer to your face, his hot breath on your lips.

You should say something, tell him to get his ass off just like you always do. But something, this tingling all over your body, the needles pricking the bottom of your feet and the sound of your heart in your ears makes you hesitate. Instead, you feel your tongue wet your tongue, and just as you open your mouth to say something, heeseung dives in, his tongue chasing yours, lips putting on the right amount of pressure onto yours.

You breathe out through your nose, as if any consciousness has left your body, you tilt your head to the right, allowing him more room to deepen the kiss.

It isn’t romantic, if you are honest. It’s desperate, hungry, full of all the things left unsaid between you. You open your legs for him to lay between them, his forearms the only thing that keeps him from putting all of his weight on you. The hand that played with your earlobe moves to the side of your neck, his thumb caressing your jaw. His other hand is moving under your head, pushing it up to him, to his lips, insatiable at this point.

Your own hands wander up from his chest to his neck, cold fingers slowly warming up from the heat of his body.

It is only when your lungs scream at you to take a deep breath when you use your hands to push his lips away from you by his jaw, gasping.

Heeseung whines, sending shivers down your spine.

“just,” he pants, his hand under your head pushing it up a bit, “just a bit more, babe, please, i-“ “hee.” You cut him off, pushing him off even more to sit up. Your legs are still around his torso, his hands now circling around your thighs. “give me a moment, ‘kay?”

He nods, as if he could ever do anything but agree with whatever you say.

You lick your lips, sighing.

How could you explain to him that you have a weird feeling in your stomach, that your heart feels like it is bleeding out. How dare you, after giving him false hope, after allowing him to get closer to him even though you had told him that you would not let that happen.

What happened to your familiar?

You release him from your leg-lock and move to get up from the bed, ignoring the way his eyes follow your every move. Heeseung is still on your bed, sitting at the back of his heels, as if moving would make this entire moment disappear.

He might be right.

You clear your throat. “I, I need to take a breather. Be back in five.”

You don’t wait for his answer, can’t bring yourself to.

It is as if the weight of the situations come down crashing at you with all its weight; your lungs feel hollow as you put on your leather jacket and shoes, breath shaky.

You put your hands inside your pocket, and as soon as you confirm that you have your keys with you, you leave the flat, slamming the door behind you louder than you intended to.

The moon offers you a silent greeting when you reach the front of the building, streets void of any movement or sound.

Well, it is almost midnight on a Monday. What else do you expect?

Your feet move before you can think about it, moving you towards one of the few streetlights scattered around the neighbourhood.

You inhale, the cold air burning your lungs. You like it, though. A little pain never hurt anyone.

“babe?”

His voice makes your shoulders tense up, looking down to avoid his concerned eyes.

Heeseung comes to a halt next to you, adorned in the same leather jacket you talked about earlier.

He does look good.

He bends down a bit, hair falling in front of his eyes, “you okay? Did I do-“

“no.” you shake your head.

God, you are such an ungrateful person. How could you ruin a totally normal situation like that? What is wrong with you?

You speak up again, “you didn’t do anything, heeseung, promise.”

You sigh, turning your head to show him any kind of smile you could muster up, hoping to ease the tension.

“are you sure? Is it because we moved too fast? Should I have kept it for our first official date?” he falls into a monologue, a habit of his when he starts to overthink; you got to know this during the time you two spent together. “I should have make you feel happ-“

Something in you snaps.

no, no! listen, hee, listen i- i can’t, okay? i tried, and god did you make- you do make me happy, okay? i feel so good, so so good when you are here, but i-“ your voice cracks, an ugly sob inserting itself as you try to catch your breath, “i need space. i, i don’t want to live like this-“

“like what, baby?” heeseung looks around, as if his eyes are frantically searching for the reason you want to break things off, “i- everything was, is okay, it has always been?”

you sob again, wiping your tears with the back of your hand, “no, i- i can’t do this with this constant fear of being nothing-“ you inhale shakily.

It feels as if you are dipping your foot into an unknown lake, bottom an endless void that will swallow you whole if you are not careful enough.

“i don’t want to wake up and hope that you won’t pretend like ‘m not there! you have no idea how fucking- ugh, how disgusting it is!”

he scoffs, panic settles on his face, “what does that mean? i- when did i ever-“

“not you! not yet, it’s just, hee, i just need to work things through.” you close your eyes, leaning against the streetlight.

“whenever something happened, my parents would ignore me for weeks, heeseung. weeks. and i thought, i, i don’t know-“ you open your bloodshot eyes, looking at him as if he held the words you were searching for. maybe he did. “i didn’t think I’d carry this fear with me, in relationships, i didn’t know that it would affect me still. and james-“

“fuck him.” heeseung murmurs, taking half a step towards you.

“he also did that whenever i wasn’t the way he wanted me to, i just, i thought he wasn’t. and- i- fuck, i guess i still carry this open wound around.”

“i’ll help you heal, babe, we always helped each other out!” he almost begs, bending his knees slightly. his hands reach towards you, though he wouldn’t dare to touch you just yet, as if you will dissolve into thin air if he makes a wrong move, “please, we-“

“i don’t want you to mirror my wounds, hee. didn’t you notice?” you wet your lips, as if the salty tears rolling down your cheeks aren’t enough, “i get weird around you, my stomach hurts, i- i don’t know what to do with myself, you aren’t familiar.”

it is getting hard to distinguish whom you are telling this to, if you really try to save heeseung or convince yourself that you aren’t good enough for, well, him. the person that not even once shied away from being with you freely and openly. all you know is that you need to get away before you tell him even more, more of what you tried to bury deep inside you all those years ago.

“before i fell in love with you,” you gasp at his declaration, “i just liked you, a lot.” heeseung states. his presence blending out your environment, your attention belongs to him, entirely.

“you always made people around you laugh even though you were serious. wore those cool outfits that i try to copy til date- just. you- you are everything, everywhere.” he breathes out, as if a heavy stone has been lifted from his chest, freeing him from whatever he was holding down, “and i admire you. i want to be better for and with you.”

heeseung takes a step back, hands gesturing around as if there is a crowd watching him, watching you two, “haven’t you noticed how everyone always runs to you for advice? for comfort? simply for you?”

your sob ripples through the air, you can’t bring yourself to look at him anymore, “but what about me!”

heeseung quiets down, running a hand through his dark hair.

you continue. “what about me, fuck, hee. i can’t even bring myself to talk to wonhee at times.” you feel your mouth run dry, “‘m so fucking scared to be air again, to not be worth to be acknowledged again, just because i have an own opinion! but i also can’t-“ you groan, your head hitting the streetlight behind you, “i can’t seem to break free from this, either. i’m just so, so exhausted.”

he steps closer, if he were to raise his hand, he would be able to hold your face, “lean on me, i can carry it.”

you shake your head, gently pushing him away, “i,” you begin, “can’t do that to you. i need to work on me. by myself.”

“please,” his voice cracks, lower lip trembling, “just, just let me- i- let me love you, please.”

“heeseung, i can’t. not now-“

“when? tell me, when are you ready?”

your answer, barely above a whisper, “don’t know.”

his eyes are glassy, clear evidence of the tears he seems to be holding back.

that is what you meant, from the very beginning you knew that this, you, would never forgive yourself of you were the reason to why this warm spirit broke. and now, looking at him and the shell he has become because of your stupid fear; you know that you won’t ever get over this heartbreak you caused.

“what now?” his voice is just above a whisper. He bites down on his lip, not trusting himself to keep calm if you continue to cry even more in front of him.

You look down at your new pair of converse heeseung got you last week.

“we stop hanging out. For a while, I guess.”

“for how long,” he takes your face into his hand, thumb brushing over your cheekbone, “I can wait, just give me a date-“

“please leave me alone for the time being, hee.”

His hand falls to his side, as of someone has sucked its strength out; maybe that is what you did.

He feels his throat close up, “babe-“

“hee. Please.” You interrupt, pushing yourself off the light, “that is what I meant from the very start. I can’t do this to you.”

This seems to light the fire inside of heeseung. It’s the way his nostrils flare and his arms raise, “you are doing nothing to me, but us! Babe, we were happy just minutes ago- what, how- I, what happened?”

“there is no us, heeseung!” you snap, getting angry. Not at him, never at him.

This anger is directed to you; you can feel it. it is directed to you, your parents, fucking james, your dumb habit of hiding behind familiar stuff, not trying to become a better person. Not even for him.

“’m selfish, ‘m scared, fuck- heeseung, we kissed once and I dipped. I can’t do this, not right now.” You take a deep breath, “please, just leave.”

Heeseungs straightens his back, as if something in him is switched on. He nods once, eyes never leaving yours. He then looks away, nodding again. And before you know it, he turns away, legs moving faster than his usual walking pace.

You stay still, watching his figure get smaller and smaller the more h moves away from you. Something in you screams at you to call him back; to close your arms around the home his shoulders have become and beg for his forgiveness. The selfish, scared part of you tells you to stay put, to let himself free from your unworthy self, silencing your yearning heart.

Fucking great.

You just hate yourself so much.

--------------------------------

it is so hard to get back into fanfic writing g after only wiring academic papers for the past year! please excuse any spelling or grammar mistakes, I refuse to proofread!

enjoy!

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