UnFun Truth
It took me a year an a few months, but i think i realise it now. Hopefully this is not because i finally made a pretty big mistake, and now iâm just running away, but i always, from the start, very naturally put you above even my own family. I say this though there is only one other member, and perhaps i say âput aboveâ but really itâs on the same level. But i no doubt, have made sure to escalate your position in my life to way way up there. This couldâve been for fear of losing you, or the thought that this is it, i donât want to have to find another one.Â
But iâve come to realise, albeit, too late, that i shouldnât think things like, âOh itâs just for now.â or that, âItâs ok, iâll be on that level soon.â Because ultimately, someone who has been with you for much longer than i have, have not been put to be above family. And so i will always be second. This isnât to say that i want to demand that i am put above family, or maybe i am, and iâm trying to justify myself. But it just dawned on me that i will never be put on the same stage as your family. And it just makes me sad, even though i know that is true, and itâs perfectly reasonable, in every proper relationship, expected, even. But the selfish thought that i realised iâve harboured until now, the thought that i will be the only one in his eyes, will never happen, that really hurts. Iâm currently, DEFINITELY PMSing right now, but i donât think iâll feel differently after this.Â
Itâs also been pointed out by a close friend that i am indeed putting him and i above all that i said i will do this year. I have just still been so smitten and content, now actually complacent with my life with him, butting into his life where i am not welcome, but not trying to improve myself or pull myself away.Â
Another friend has been saying she needs to pull herself away from her boy as well. And i realise now that i should be doing the same thing. I started off going over more often and living my life out of his home because i was hoping that this will bypass his need of âliving togetherâ before getting married. Honestly, i know that we canât actually get a place together, unless we rent, and where able and NOT in a foreign land, i refuse to do this. Because unless family demands so, if we just rent instead of buy and knowing how little we earn, we are NOT going to be able to save up for a place to buy. But the overall lack of care he has towards it also lets me know that he doesnât find any urgency in this. Which i should find alarming because we talked about this when we first started going out. There were so many things that are already getting delayed, and i need us to start moving. When i bring it up, i am suddenly hit with issues i also am not able to control, or be asked why arenât i doing something about it. But my question is still, âWhat about you? Neither. Have. You.âÂ
Thereâs only 2 months left of the year, and iâm falling behind in a lot of things that i have set for myself, and i am horribly disappointed in myself. I need to wake up, and start changing the web of difficult changes i need to undertake my new schedule. This isnât a, âItâs ok, i can just change one thingâ but more like, i need to move this to accommodate that, but make sure to do this to fix that and to plug that in so iâm not forgetting this. Two nights ago, that sounded really unfair to me, but now i see that we are in a âcomfortableâ part of our relationship. I say that in the fact that heâs no longer excited to see me, neither will he pay much attention to me. I understand the idea of doing your own thing in each otherâs presence, but thatâs not going to work in a room with one table mostly taken by a computer, and me on the bed, feeling horribly uncomfortable, and without my entire room of tools and resources needed for my art.Â
Since there has been no compromise for this, and in light of recent events and my understanding that we are just âdatingâ, as well as the uncomfortable, though true and factual and unyielding fact that i will never and can never be put on the same page as family, i need some time to lick my wounds. I have been terribly selfish and feeling high and mighty about myself. I need to clear my head, check my ego and humble myself.Â
Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right? I have a lot to change about myself, and to fix about myself. And itâs true what they say, i need a support where i can grow, and help the other person grow.Â
Though that being said, i have also been a bit of a brat. Iâve started to expect a lot of things from him that arenât necessarily healthy but me being greedy and petty. I link too many things together, and try to fix one thing with the expectation of a result somewhere else. And because they donât meet that expectation, i feel a rejection. And that rejection is hard to follow, even though i know, (here is where PMS is such a shit) LOGICALLY it makes sense, REASONABLY it make sense and hell, people can be tired too. But where that happens and i feel that if we lived together this will be so much better and so letâs look for a place together, his thought is a lot simpler, and to me, so unsatisfactory. It is therefore to make your own way home, bye now. Like, it makes sense, but at the same time, i also want to have leaps and bounds in our relationship and not trudge with nothing happening.Â
Though that being said, i have ZERO reason to move out, my mum is wonderful and understanding, and lets me be so so free. I only have minimal responsibility with her and i can SAVE, so long as iâm not spending as much, i have all the necessities apart from work right at my doorstep, more importantly, i am not limited to just his room. I can spread out, and omg i have a desk.Â
I also need to stop trying to get sympathy points from him, but that will have to be another self bashing post another day. All future me needs to know is that it doesnât work.