out of hope

pathetic 🔪 vent blog trigger warning 🔪 over 5 years since last cut (jan 20.20) 🔪 nonbin/system [they - plural]

[ct-lambykins]

its fucked up how being unloved by a parental figure in your childhood makes you unlovable for the rest of your life

[failingfuture]

my last act of love, when i feel i am finally ready to rid of my selfishness onto them, will be to vanish

[failingfuture]

i should end it all. end the miserable burden of my existence and release everyone i love from this curse

[failingfuture]

my family was right. about it all

i am a retard. im unfit for society

they were right, that some people are not fit to live. and if they are not fit to live, they should end it.

[failingfuture]

dozens of notes and times i had to talk myself away from downing the bottle, and for what?

[failingfuture]

i feel numb and cold and empty

[hello-friends9500]

[failingfuture]

THE TWO PEOPEL IM TALKING W ARE QUARRELING AND IM THE MEDIATOR GOD IS CRUEL!!!!

[failingfuture]

my heart aches. dude

im trying l, im trying so fucking hard

[failingfuture]

i dont wanna hurt anymore i dont want to make mistakes anymore i dont want to take up soace eat up food waste money anymore i dont want to depressnd stress anyone i dont want to bother anyone i dont want to hurt annyore i dont want to heurt anymore i dont want to hurt anymroe

[failingfuture]

i jst wanna end it i just wanna end it ijist wanna fucking end itall

[failingfuture]

day ??? of dealing with this fucking hellspawn dog that was forced on me and hellhouse

i was trying to be good, i swear, i was doing what im told to do and trying to be nice as i can to it

then the damn dog bit me, hard- like enough i swear i heard/felt a "pop"

it didnt pierce skin but it left a hole for lack of better word- the only reason i cant see the hole now is because the palm of my hand swelled

back of my hand is covered in scratches- then i somehow pinched my hand in something hard as hell and its bleeding- if it wasnt one thing drawing blood its another

it all stings and hurts and makes me wanna relapse

my friends are all havjng a good day, i dont want to ruin it, so i left a vc i was spending tome in before i got called away to deal w the dog

[failingfuture]

i thought about going off at my sister about it, texting her that i wont touch that damn dog till something changes, but what is the point? she doesnt care. she'd prolly bark at me for infecting her precious thing with my tainted pill filled blood

[failingfuture]

day ??? of dealing with this fucking hellspawn dog that was forced on me and hellhouse

i was trying to be good, i swear, i was doing what im told to do and trying to be nice as i can to it

then the damn dog bit me, hard- like enough i swear i heard/felt a "pop"

it didnt pierce skin but it left a hole for lack of better word- the only reason i cant see the hole now is because the palm of my hand swelled

back of my hand is covered in scratches- then i somehow pinched my hand in something hard as hell and its bleeding- if it wasnt one thing drawing blood its another

it all stings and hurts and makes me wanna relapse

my friends are all havjng a good day, i dont want to ruin it, so i left a vc i was spending tome in before i got called away to deal w the dog

[failingfuture]

all this thinking becuz im on the fence on letting some things go becuz ik they arent gonna go anywhere and it hasnt shaped w me

[failingfuture]

im so fucking stupid when it comes to love, why am i like this

[failingfuture]

why do i chase like this, why do i feel bitter like this, why do i say the accursed words in hopes itll make someone feel better

[failingfuture]

i think i "know" why

the time when i was like 12 [and later when i was 17, again] 🟢 confesses out of the blue, and i already felt bad for them in the moment about their life but couldn't muster a yes [becuz. well. i was 12/uninterested] and i couldnt help but feel like i ruined their life with it even tho i know i didnt

then theres also just the fact ive lived by a "if i want something done to me, i gotta put that energy out first", big karma shit- and i always wanted to be cared for by someone, and that usually only happens in a romantic context-

so when i want. to care for someone and they confess, i figure- why the fuck not? without consulting my feelings

the fact ive gone thru 2 relationships wondering if im aromantic is so. like this isnt a thing normal people do, but god ill lose everything if i were aro

[failingfuture]

im so fucking stupid when it comes to love, why am i like this

[failingfuture]

why do i chase like this, why do i feel bitter like this, why do i say the accursed words in hopes itll make someone feel better

[failingfuture]

im so fucking stupid when it comes to love, why am i like this