Failed Futures

Let those that are wrong for you truly fade.

[failureoffuture]

You’re absolutely right, I don’t owe you anything. If you wanted to be involved with me you would be, more than that you’d be ecstatic to have my company even when I’m not my best. You were really only interested in my company if I was feeling good and that’s such a selfish way to keep someone in your life.

If you can’t be with me at my absolute worst state then you don’t deserve to know me at my best, and my best state will never concern or involve you.

The updates I’ve been giving you on how I’m feeling and my state of mind have been much more than you deserve to know of me.

And writing these has done nothing but keep me wallowing in the same place where I would’ve given everything for you and you would never have done the same for me.

You can consider this the last update you’ll get on my well-being, or lack there-of. I won’t be okay with you in my mind and every time you flood my thoughts or memories I can guarantee I’ll feel the exact same loss, the exact same hurt and the same grief. But you don’t deserve to know about it.

[failureoffuture]

Home is where my heart is.

I wouldn’t wish these feelings upon my worst enemy. I would however wish them on my greatest love, with hopes that she might feel the things I feel and come back home.

I kept everything the same since you left. As if pretending things were the same could manifest into truth.

It’s empty here without you and every room grows dim.

[failureoffuture]

This heartache is so strong and will likely take years to die out and release me from these ties. Freedom for me is so far away and out of reach, recovery is a distant shadow of an idea.

How you’ve already transformed into another person out of this. I’m glad to see you walking. It just sort of hurts that you never faltered in your cadence. Not once.

I’ve been stumbling in circles for months.

[failureoffuture]

I’ve been walking for years; just away from you

[failureoffuture]

Maybe my problems do run so deep I need to be numbed out of them just to be able see whatever feeling remains of basic enjoyment

[eudemarti]

I want to see you get better.

I want you to enjoy life.

I will see you walking soon.

[failureoffuture]

I’ve tried the ideas presented to me. I’ve spoken my mind, I’ve expressed all the ways I feel to all those that hurt me. And to no avail, nothing left to lose and nothing left to love. After months of planning and time spent weighing and deciding.

The time to try properly the bittersweet poison in my mind that’s been creeping closer with every passing day.

[thegnosticdread]

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”

— Carl Jung

[failureoffuture]

It scares me to think I’ve given away pieces of myself to you that I will never get back.

That when I draw on pieces of myself all that remains are images and memories of you.

I never reserved a space for me and only me, I opened myself to share everything with you.

And although I wanted to, I should’ve seen red flags when they danced in front of my face.

Our views on family and the past were more than enough to show me that we weren’t on the same wave length.

We weren’t ever building towards the same goal I just convinced myself that you were the one for me and I’ve never been able to pull back from that feeling.

I’m starting to think healing isn’t coming. I’m starting to think this is my purpose. Maybe my muse is to be hopelessly in love with someone I cannot bear to be with.

I don’t know I have it in me to live like this for long. Nights spent losing sleep, shaking alone are bleeding me of my will to keep trying.

And the lack of people who have an interest in me tell me that I should’ve taken what I could when it came to me and accepted whatever version I could get.

The chances that a more perfect match of a person is out there and we both be ready for each other just seems impossible.

And I’m done giving myself hope for things that have no reason to follow through.

[failureoffuture]

I am not deserving of all the pleasures I’ve come to lay in

[failureoffuture]

It’s hard to find a friend

[lyrics-and-music]

Deflector // Touché Amoré

[failureoffuture]

[failureoffuture]

[failureoffuture]

Recalibration

Rendering what it is to be alone

A simple fight to stay above water in the depths of solitude

Despite telling myself for years now how this separation would feel

I still don’t think I was ever aware of how lonely I’d really be after such connection

I’ve never been good at putting myself out there, meeting people or taking my space (unless there’s an instrument around)

I find a lot of people simply aren’t interested in me and what I stand as on my own

And that’s ok, I’m comfortable keeping myself company when no one else wants to

It’s something I hadn’t done much in recent years but I easily found my way back to again

That part of moving on has been easy

But the feeling is one thing and actually being able to move on and start looking forward again is another entirely

And the desire for some kind of physical affection or touch is so strong at times

I just wish I had some around who wanted to hug, cuddle, kiss, make love, absolutely any of it

I can form strong connections with some people but the types of people who are interested in that with me are definitely few and far between

I met someone last month and things were moving well with her, I always take things slow but there was definitely a palpable chemistry and magnetism between the two of us

We were both showing interest in each other and I started to get excited that maybe this could turn into something, not even long term or serious but just something at all

And things turned from there towards her wanting to remain as friends

Which I respect and I’m happy to continue being her friend

I’m just learning more to try not to get excited about things or to at least reserve a bit of doubt that things will really happen

Otherwise the let down is just relentless and I don’t have enough left in me to handle much more of that

Either way the past few months have been excruciatingly lonely

The most human connection I have in my day is at work and then I usually don’t talk to anyone until I’m back in the next day

I’m still trying to meet people and I hope there’s something out there that I’ll come across

I just know it’s going to be a long while before anything real actually does come my way

I miss you and what we had so much sometimes it really does hurt

[purplebuddhaquotes]

“I am slowly learning that some people are not good for me, no matter how much I love them. I deserve someone who is gentle and kind because my soul is getting tired. Realizing that I deserve something good is one of the first steps.”

—

[failureoffuture]

thank you, I'm sorry too and I love you too. You're beautiful Jake. I'm struggleling too and changing a lot, and some of it is thanks to you. We grew so much together, and I'm accepting that that's the time we had to have together, and it's ok that way. I think of you foundly, and again, I wish you the best, always. That was such beautiful writting, I teared up.