...

need someplace to talk. no one else will listen.

[failuretothriveking]

she was home all fucking day and didnt do a goddamn thing. the animals arent fed, no one has any water, all her fucking dishes are still in the sink. she's just laying in bed.

if i did any of this, she would beat me.

i just have to fucking take care of everything as soon as i fucking get home from work, cause fuck me and my time right?

[failuretothriveking]

the plan was for us to do this together. it always has been the two of us doing the decoration shopping.

"i didnt know what time you got off"

you didnt look at the giant calendar in our kitchen or even bother to ask me? how is this my fault?

as much as i want to appreciate you for doing the shopping on your own, you KNOW this is the part i want to do. and you didnt even think of me.

why am i the asshole here? am i not allowed to feel hurt?

[failuretothriveking]

"im doing this one wall and then im going back to bed"

why even bother. just go now then. it's gonna look like shit and moms gonna get mad anyway. just leave it to me then.

you were supposed to help me do this!!! where did you go???

[failuretothriveking]

why am i not allowed to be annoyed by anything? you explicitly said you wished i wasnt here, and you immediately try to backtrack when i point that out. that hurt my feelings that you feel like me being here is a hindrance. im allowed to feel that way. you dont need to deepthroat a thesaurus trying to explain HOW me being here is a hindrance on you two while you work.

and you did leave me alone to take care of my room. i was displaced for a whole fucking week before anyone even started doing anything on my room. im allowed to be upset about that.

[failuretothriveking]

my mom is chewing me the fuck out for not cleaning the kitchen last night (i cooked at like 2am and was gonna clean up in the morning, before they got home but they didn't tell us when they were coming home), and when she said "you don't have anything to say?"

and i just straight up told her "there isn't anything for me to say. you have your feelings on the matter already decided, so whatever i have to say isn't going to matter. you'll have your talk with my brother. that's all."

and she just looked so fucking angry. but im too tired to care. she needs to be an adult and control her fucking emotions.

and maybe not be so self-centered so she can see how maybe everyone else is ALSO struggling with their mental health! it's not just you, mom!!! we're ALL depressed and feeling anxious! some of us are even having a really hard time with some thoughts of suicide! a lot of which are related to you!!!!!

but she's the only one with problems. it's like she's the only real person in her own little internal world. if she isn't looking right at you, you don't exist and aren't doing anything at all (unless it's putting plans into motion that exist only to make her angry or upset). people only exist to victimize her, i guess.

[failuretothriveking]

if im not doing the things i need to do, it must be because i am lazy and cant manage my time and i just dont care enough. surely there are not different reasons. maybe something else going on in my life. cant be that.

[failuretothriveking]

i know everyone loves me as family, i just dont feel like they care beyond that. like, about me as a person. no one asks me questions, no one tells me anything, no one is interested in me.

they dont have to be, but it still hurts. im allowed to feel hurt at least.

[failuretothriveking]

dont have anyone in my life i can talk to about these feelings, so ill just bottle them up till i die or kill myself.

[failuretothriveking]

"i had no idea it was that much"

YOU NEVER ASK. NONE OF YOU EVER ASK. YOU DONT FUCKING GIVE ME A SINGLE FUCKING THOUGHT UNLESS YOU WANT MY MONEY OR MY LABOR.

[failuretothriveking]

i appreciate you showing me some polite interest.

"why would you say that?"

because i dont feel like youre actually interested, but it's nice you care enough about the social contract at least feign an interest in me.

[failuretothriveking]

i hate how everyone in my family gets so mad when i leave the room.

everyone is ignoring me anyway, why do i have to stand here? do you just want an audience? i have better things i could be doing than standing in this corner while you have a conversation literally around my existence.

[failuretothriveking]

the problem is this: i talk, everyone looks in my direction (maybe), and then moves on with their lives completely. no one engages with me. they barely look at me. they move on to whatever they were originally going to say before i carved out just enough space to make my voice heard.

no one spares a single thought to my existence the moment im no longer in their line of sight.

[failuretothriveking]

it literally doesnt matter to fucking anyone.

im gonna go for a walk this Thursday and not vanish for a bit. maybe walk to Handy Andy's or Goodwill. maybe take a change of clothes to work and just not come home.

[failuretothriveking]

im gonna stop speaking to my family. i want to see how long it takes them to notice.

[failuretothriveking]

if it's longer than a week, im going to actually kill myself this time.

[failuretothriveking]

im gonna stop speaking to my family. i want to see how long it takes them to notice.

[failuretothriveking]

no one can be bothered to listen to me when i talk. no one can even be bothered to care when i bring this up.

i said verbatim "i feel like no one listens to me when i speak". my mom just gets annoyed and says in the most frustrated tone "sorry, i thought i was".

no. walking away in the middle of me talking, not even looking at me, interrupting and ignoring everything im saying to talk to someone else behind me, not acknowledging anything im saying at all, does not seem like "listening" to me.

jesus fucking christ, i had such a good day. i had a fun day hanging out with my coworker friends, im back to having weekly phonecalls with one of my closest friends that just flows so naturally and comfortably.

and i just feel like shit now. my mom and brother are both mad at me, cause God forbid i verbalize how im feeling in a way that isnt a joke for them to ignore.

[failuretothriveking]

i dont get how you can be so fucking empathetic and selfless to EVERYONE but your own fucking kids. everyone is busy and stressed out right now. everyone. and notice how no one else is just flipping out on everyone for no reason? you don't see me kicking open bedroom doors at 6am screaming about rent and messes.

the WHOLE HOUSE IS A MESS. im sorry no one is really prioritizing making the house spotless when half of our furniture is gone and there is paint splattered literally everywhere. the floors are getting ripped up in literally 2 days, we have a million things to do, and you're just getting in the way.