jane doe @faintingfields - Tumblr Blog

and also my friend asked if i have always been so good at riffing. truthfully never realized i was doing this, just speaking aloud.

i considered reading a poem but didn’t want to depress everyone in attendance

got really drunk at a party and met a guy who apparently knows my ex best friend and he told me that she’s an antivaxxer now so i guess i dodged some kind of bullet

i’ve surrounded myself with too many cynics, myself included. i had forgotten what it is like to be around happy people and i had forgotten how much i like to be one of them

having one of those days where it feels like no one is as much of a bitch as me

anyway

# dealing With it

jk sort of. lighthearted but an unfortunate (and realistically true) acknowledgment

i really miss this girl i knew in london who was the girlfriend of my then boyfriends best(?) friend. she was in a band and had crazy hair and was the only other person i knew who liked energy ice elf bars

having to hold your tongue against the balding right wing freak with a massive twitter following of incels because one of your most beautiful smart and kind mutuals is married to him

something both mystical and terrifying about receiving objectively insane messages at 1 in the morning

i haven’t posted here in a moment but i went to a grief workshop today. and this, as a socially inept person, is decently far out of my comfort zone. but i knew well the girl hosting, and we had spoken at length about grief together and i have always appreciated her insights. so i wanted to go. i wanted to make a point to myself too that i could go. so i went, and i was surprised by the amount of old faces. familiar faces, or ones that were familiar 10 years ago. but its like we weren’t ourselves. it was like none of the context mattered, or had ever mattered. my best friend from the 8th grade was there. she used to be so important to me, and i hadn’t spoken to her since the summer between 8th and 9th grade. it was strange to see her no longer a gangly teenager with Fire Engine Red hair and purple glasses. i’m sure she thought the same about the absence of my blue hair and my now fixed teeth. but it was like none of it had ever mattered. we sat in that circle and we spoke about life and loss and anger and guilt and we looked each other in the eye just as who we were in that moment. it felt like something inside of me had finally stopped holding its breath. and it wasn’t just her. there were girls i had been afraid of, aspired to be, or had simply only ever seen in passing. some not at all. but i sat and i spoke and we all spoke like true and real people with faces and hearts and teary eyes. just people. i said things i was afraid of, i listened to things that made me cry and some that made me laugh, but i felt open. i felt safe, i felt a part of something, i felt like a person and i didn’t feel embarrassed. i know that it was my dad who called me to this, that he is the reason i was there in more ways than one, and i am grateful. i am grateful that i can feel it all.

what am i supposed to do when i really just need to talk to my dad but i can’t ever again

feeling like such a stupid chud loser

can people go back to being ashamed of their eating disorders so i don’t have to see 1000 teenagers on twitter with usernames like ‘princesspalebones ⭐️🪽’rehashing 90s moms atkins diet talking points and calling LRD fatspo

ugh it’s like anytime i have a good day i need 2-3 reset days… # bleh. i’ll get there in the end. 2-3 will become 1 will become 0 and become living again

please for the love of god leave me alone

feel so claustrophobic in my own head

must be getting my period soon because i was just brought nearly to tears by the sight of the little perseverant curls in my hair that remain despite how i bleached them

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