5 Tips for a Healthy Relationship
1. No phone checks. Some couples make it a habit to go through each other’s phones at the end of every day, looking for any flirty messages with other people or evidence of cheating. Don’t do this. It’s gross. Rummaging through someone’s personal belongings at the end of the day is how you treat a five-year-old who forgets to take permission slips out of his backpack, not a grown adult who you claim to love and trust. Phone checks - or any other invasion of privacy - tell your partner that you absolutely do not trust them or take them at their word, and they introduce suspicion and spying into the relationship. Just don’t. Trust your partner instead.
2. Don’t expect mind-reading. A lot of misunderstandings between partners start with the phrase “they should have known”. Never assume that your partner knows anything you haven’t specifically told them. No matter how well you know someone or how long you’ve been together, you’re never going to learn how to read their mind. Sometimes your moods and desires aren’t as obvious as you think they are. If you want something from your partner, use your words and tell them.
3. Forgive means forgive, period. Getting cheated on sucks. Getting lied to is awful. You are well within your rights to end the relationship if someone crosses this line. But if you decide to stay with your partner after that happens, you need to find a way to really and truly forgive them - not use their wrongdoing to emotionally take them hostage. Forgiveness means talking it over like adults and finding a meaningful way to move past the incident. It does not mean that you have a blank check to invade their privacy, treat them badly, or throw the incident in their face for the rest of the relationship. That’s a great way to turn things toxic and hostile real quick. None of this applies, by the way, to abusive behaviour - that should not be forgiven, and it’s probably best to end the relationship.
4. Don’t use breaking up as a threat. When you’re really frustrated and in the heat of an argument, it can be really tempting to go in for the kill - saying something along the lines of “well, maybe we shouldn’t just break up, then”. Don’t do this. In the moment, this might seem like an easy method to get your way and stop the argument, but threatening to break up is the nuclear option in relationships. It’s like settling a petty squabble with your neighbor by dropping an atomic bomb on their house - you’re going to get blown up too. Threatening to break up immediately turns a tense situation hostile and resentful, and if you threaten to break up enough times, your partner will eventually get tired of the emotional rollercoaster and call your bluff.
5. Never stop working on yourself and being your own person. There’s this weird thing in our culture where we expect our romantic relationships to be everything. When we’re single, we need friends, hobbies, family, therapists, activities, goals and the ability to entertain and find meaning for ourselves - and then the minute we get into a relationship, we gather up all those needs and we dump them right on our partner’s head. Our viewpoints shift from what you need to do for yourself ( I need to find ways to manage my anxiety, I need to reach out to my friends more) to what your partner needs to do for you (they need to be more supportive, they need to talk to me more). Being in a relationship does not mean that you cease to exist as an individual, and it doesn’t mean that you stop with self-care. If anything, self-care becomes more important - when you’re able to keep yourself healthy, you and your partner can spend more time enjoying each other, and less time in crisis.
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