Artisanal Shitposts

Gaudy | they/them | autistic icon | paypal.me/gaudiest | ko-fi.com/gaudy

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

say something nice and scary to me

[goop3]

Your bones will be treasured after you're gone.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

DON'T U DARE FUCKING TOUCH THOSE I'M SAVING THEM

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

i love having a corporeal form. i love eating warm food on cold days. i love taking hot showers. i love sleeping on clean sheets. i delight in earthly decadence. i wake up and eat warm bread slathered in butter. i own multiple pairs of soft fuzzy socks. this body is so comfy and i'm not returning it any time soon

[wonderingwhereileftreality]

Babe it's decomposing

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

and yet i am NOT DONE USING IT

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

REANIMATE REUSE RECYCLE

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

been a rough couple days, gimme a compliment and also a fucked up animal fact please n thnx?

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

oh this is LOVELY

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

say something nice and scary to me

[whyiswifiawesomeandsostupid]

You'd make a nice lamp.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

yes that is OBVIOUSLY what the jar is for???

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

say something nice and scary to me

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

minor nuisance about being an atheist is when you or a loved one is sick, you can't say "keep us in your prayers." maybe "keep us in your thoughts" is better but it has a major meh factor. the best i can come up with is "KEEP OUR MISERIES IN MIND"

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Let my tribulations haunt your thoughts 🙏

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

we need more fat fitness instructors and I'm dead fucking serious

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

to be seen on social media, fitness instructors basically always have to have contemporarily attractive body types. whereas fitness instructors you meet in real life have a huge variety of body types.

being a well-qualified fitness instructor requires education and experience and yes, usually a significant level of fitness, be that strength, flexibility, stamina, so on.

Many people have all of those qualifications, while also being fat.

Perhaps the biggest lie advertising has sold you is that being "fit" means being thin. That is spectacularly untrue. The world is filled with fat athletes, amateur, professional, in all variety of sports, performing remarkable feats any of us would be damn proud to accomplish. That's a hell of a lot of experience and talent, including many educators you or I would be lucky to learn from.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

we need more fat fitness instructors and I'm dead fucking serious

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

had a dream i was about to engage in cannibalism (which is on my irl bucket list & honestly saddens me sometimes at how difficult it is to achieve hygienically and legally) on an inhabited extragalactic planet & i was sitting at the feast table waiting for the roast human to be brought out (obtained from warriors defeated in space gladiator combat??? not ethically sourced) but then i got anxious that i was appropriating the planet's culture by engaging in traditional cannibal cuisine that many locals probably could no longer afford & i spent so much time dissecting whether this specific instance of cannibalism was compatible with my socioeconomic values that the meat went cold & i woke up confused

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

been a rough couple days, gimme a compliment and also a fucked up animal fact please n thnx?

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

this website always suceeds in disappointing 🥰

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

been a rough couple days, gimme a compliment and also a fucked up animal fact please n thnx?

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

minor nuisance about being an atheist is when you or a loved one is sick, you can't say "keep us in your prayers." maybe "keep us in your thoughts" is better but it has a major meh factor. the best i can come up with is "KEEP OUR MISERIES IN MIND"

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

minor nuisance about being an atheist is when you or a loved one is sick, you can't say "keep us in your prayers." maybe "keep us in your thoughts" is better but it has a major meh factor. the best i can come up with is "KEEP OUR MISERIES IN MIND"

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

alas the melancholy, it strikes at my heart! prithee, humble tumblr toiler, share with me your most superior cephalopod fact

[27-bones]

Male octopus get eaten a lot while reproducing so they usually develop a survival strategy. My favorites are they're usually in a position where they can get out fast or they remove their reproductive arm and give it to the females which they can still use and honestly is more beneficial as they can use it when they find somewhere safe for eggs.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

*detatches my penis mid-coitus for u to add to ur inventory*

[lmtyl]

The blanket octopus has some of the most extreme size differences between males and females, with females reaching 2 meters (6.6 ft) and males maxxing out around 2.4 cm (1 inch). Males and immature females have been found carrrying stinging man-o-war tentacles to use as defensive weapons.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

don't talk to me (hulking goddess), my boyfriend (amoeba), OR our third (innocent bystander we kidnapped for use as a living weapon)

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

I’ve hear about how having cats makes you immune to hauntings, ghosts, spooky midnight noises etc but. for years I’ve been dealing with a panic response to unexpected nighttime noises, major enough that the adrenaline can keep me from falling back asleep for hours.

A few weeks of living with a cat and my brain’s been reprogrammed. last night at 4am the furry little shitmuppet broke a vase & I only woke up long enough to call her a rat bastard & roll over back to sleep

[phinarei]

Oh shit. This totally made me realize that it must have been my cat that killed my fear of the dark. I used to be intensely scared of walking into dark spaces. Hated any area where I had to turn a light off before I could turn another one on.

Enter my mostly black demon who likes to jump out of dark spaces at me.

Now I can just walk through dark rooms with no anxiety. I’m now used to the darkness taking physical form and jumping at me. At this point if a monster did jump out of the darkness I’d instinctively reach for the cat treats to offer it.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

holy crap what other fears do cats make you immune to?

I’m no longer scared to dangle my foot over the bed bc of demons with sharp claws & glowing eyes, i’m scared to dangle my foot over the bed bc of one specific small furry demon with sharp claws & glowing eyes

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

#fuck off beelzebub my cat has dibs

[so-i-did-this-thing]

My cats are legit part of my grounding strategy for when I have sleep hallucinations. As part of my sleep paralysis, I “see” corpses in the bed next to me on a frequent basis, or shadow men lurking in the doorway; if there is a cat blissfully, softly snoring at the foot of the bed, I know I am safe, despite what my brain is trying to conjure.

[notsafevorework]

the sound of my door opening slowly, but theres no one there. my cat. somethings clawing at the walls, glass or window screens, cats. somethings fucking licking my toe in the middle of the night, my fucking cat again. nothing can hurt me its all cat

[vicshush]

Unearthly noise? Cat.

Movement out of the corner of your eye? Cat.

Objects moved? Cat.

Inexplicable smells? Cat.

Corpses (small)? Cat.

Ectoplasm right in middle of the room, which you won’t notice till you step in it? Cat.

[jenroses]

Do cats make the ghosts go away? Nah. They just make you stop being scared.

[the-haiku-bot]

Do cats make the ghosts

go away? Nah. They just make

you stop being scared.

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[somanyfandomsonly1username]

My cats got rid of my fear, not because I assume every noise I hear is from them, but rather if my OCD is telling me not to look outside because someones out their waiting for me to see them so they can kill me, I know they aren’t actually there because my cats aren’t reacting.

Until they do some stupid shit like staring at my vent for 2-3 hours without moving at all for seemingly no reason what so ever

[sp0re-speaks]

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

they're called "bootlickers" because when there's a boot stomping on their neck they lean forward to kiss it

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

as soon as i clicked post i realized damn that's such an evocatively erotic description, i should be using this sort of language about noble kinksters, not wasting it on class traitors

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

you could be licking the boot of a magnificent leather mommy or daddy and instead you're slobbering over billionaires and cops? who aren't even gonna call you a good puppy after screwing you? hobbyless behavior

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

distressing yet poetic that the Door to Hell is located in a country with one of the most restrictive visa policies in the world. imagine a magic portal to a kickass demonic dimension opened, but you had to cross the world, evade the border guards, and break into a whole ass country just to access it. now THAT is a QUEST.

anyway gimme a story about a demon trying to get home to hell but she keeps getting foiled by immigration control

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

oh, the Door To Hell aka the Darvaza gas crater is a real place in Turkmenistan fyi. yes that really is its colloquial name. for uh, self-evident reasons:

it's a natural gas crater formed by a collapsed cavern. it's been burning for over 50 years!

[nadikarosutodraws88]

Gaud you forgot the best part which is that the dictator of Turkmenistan did donuts next to it to prove he was alive

I mean shit, dude's living it up you gotta give him that

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

mitch mcconnell get yer ass out here