she often found herself gazing into a dark well of merlot swilling in tandem with the curl of her wrist when everything else grew too loud. it was easy to get lost in it - a gentle fixation, a hypnotic dance to follow. the wine curdled gently with those two white pills in the pit of her stomach, and they were working their magic - to an extent, at least. still, there were veins running deep within the ground beneath her feet she was too weak-willed to uproot, faces she wished not to confront. embarrassments she wished not to revisit. asher’s pillar in her life had once been a sturdy one, but that was back when they were teenagers. back when the complexities of high school politics meant their paths did not intertwine complicatedly, but rather ran seamlessly parallel. they were friends - good ones, at that. it was almost a decade later she’d taken a dive she so rarely took; attempted to warm her frozen limbs in his fire, foolishly mistaking that old friendliness as something brand new. it was enough to box her back up and pack her in tight - she felt she may not have taken even the slightest of risks since then. burned wasn’t the word; she was scalded, scarred. it was a needless overreaction, and she knew this. but contending with her irrationalities was never a skill she’d cared to refine.
asher is kind-hearted. perhaps too much so - it only made sense that he would understand, that he’d be forgiving. but too much time had passed, and she could convince herself of anything if she was only given the time. now, she noticed he was gearing up to approach her again, though she’d artlessly dodged him several times since arrival. there was nowhere to run now, even if her gaze did flit rapidly to search for the nearest exits. her spine straightened as he greeted her, avoiding his eye for a moment. even so, what could she do? pretend she hadn’t heard him? her own immaturity startled her at times. “i don’t… smoke,” she began disjointedly, looking down into her wine. she blew out a sudden, hard sigh. fuck it - right? might as well rip the bandaid off. she swallowed the remainder of her glass in one mouthful and reached for the bottle, then for her coat. “sorry. yes. that was rude. i can just… drink instead.” her heart pounded painfully, but she pulled her coat over her shoulders and met his eyes, attempting a smile that never quite reached her mouth. “let’s go.”
it’s almost expected that she tries turning down the offer at first. after all, she’d make a big deal out of avoiding that moment so far and if he’d be any less persistent, asher knew they’d never talk about it. maybe it would be easier, maybe ignoring the awkwardness would be the simpler way out of it, but where would it get them? where would that take them? next high school reunion, just as uncomfortable? one of them ditching altogether just to prevent running into each other? it was sad to think about that. sad for so many reasons. biggest one that they used to work so well. used to be able to lean on each other, to listen to each other, be there for each other. the type of trust he craved. reason for why shoulders roll back when relief washed through him once she seemed to have changed her mind. an opening. a foot in the door. a chance to make up. and he fully intended to make the most of it. “sounds fair.” ash plays it off cool, doesn’t want to freak her out despite being fairly excited that she joined him.
terrace door held open for her so the two of them can slip outside. air fresh, freezing almost – just what he needs to stay grounded right now. “thanks for joining me. how are you doing? excited to see everyone? we didn’t talk in a while ...” the normality with which he tried entering the conversation was truly the most absurd part of everything. like he hadn’t tried calling her before, like there hadn’t been unanswered text messages. not that he would hold it against her. and yet he yearned for answers. cigarette lit and drag taken from it. he keeps his distance, doesn’t want her to inhale the smelly smoke, and doesn’t want her to feel pressured in the conversation they were about to have. “you know it’s ... all good between us, right?” asher tries carefully. “that night didn’t change anything for me. i’m happy to see you again. and i wish there was a way for me to make you feel the same.” a little bolder now, but maybe the firm words she needs to understand where he’s coming from.
