Famous Jenstar

Hey! I'm a 23-year-old mother to be. My precious little girl is due December 8th and I cannot wait. I work at a bank and I love my work family. I'm a dreamer, a hopeless romantic and I have the mindset that absolutely anything is possible as long as you believe and never give up. My dream is to raise my daughter the right way, start a radio business and love, deeply. The kind of love that you see in the movies... My own little fairytale.

[famousjenstarr]

I like to write. I’ve been thinking about blogging all week and today, I finally got to it, but read my last post first. So much always changes before I write again. Like, those two guys I was interested in, I no longer talk to. The one I thought I loved caused this huge fight involving other people, made me cry and turns out to just be a dick. The other, well - I no longer work at the job where I always saw him and our friendship faded away.

I have a new interest now... and my daughters dad disappeared and then reappeared into my life - and he even got to see his daughter this past month.

Today’s post, like most the rest is about love. I met this guy at work and everything was just fun and jokes at first. We started hanging out and I didn’t think anything of it but friendship. The guy I thought I loved swore this guy wanted to fuck me and that was all the problem. Turns out, when he left my life - I actually pursued the “new guy.” I’ve never done it before, but I actually kissed him first. I mean, we were in his car, reading this letter I wrote him sharing my feelings and he kept leaning in like he was going to kiss me but would pull back and finally I just pushed his head to mine as he leaned in and we kissed.

He’s so kind and caring. It would take hours for me to sit here and type on my phone every amazing thing he’s offered me, done for my family and I and all the reasons why I feel for him the way that I do... but I’ll tell you that I’m very lucky.

With him, I denied my feelings at first. Before that letter, my friends and family kept telling me he liked me and I swore we were just friends and he was around me cause I was part time and had time off all the time like he did. I denied that he could ever have feelings for me and denied I would ever like him more than a friend. I just didn’t see him that way and he didn’t see me that way either.

As I began really having feelings for him, I started to question love. What is love these days, anyway? How do you love someone? How do you know that you love them? I asked my friends these things like I really didn’t know and this would be my first time falling in love. I didn’t think I could love another man but I feel it in my heart and soul when I talk about him.

I talk about him and my heart skips a beat. I can’t help but smile. I feel a change in my breathing and I am genuinely so very happy. You don’t even understand how differently I feel for him than I’ve ever felt before. He annoys the shit out of me sometimes, but I could never stay mad at him and I do - I love this man. I haven’t said it vocally, but he’s seen the words “I love you” in my letters time and time again.

My friends say I’m damaged and he agrees because I carry past relationship luggage and I’m terrified he’ll leave me or do something the rest have done and it makes it hard for me to open up. He’s said a couple times that he can tell I want to have a baby with him because he can see it in my eyes, and although I never thought about it until he said it, I would love to have a kid with him, but because I know he doesn’t want anymore kids, I’d really love if he would have a kid with me and then not worry about being in the picture. I’d like to have a good solid year with him without being pregnant to go on adventures and do things, then get pregnant, have all that pregnancy sex and then I’ll be financially stable and we can walk away from each other and just be friends again down the line. I’m horrible for imagining it all right? But I don’t wanna depend on a man. I don’t wanna make someone a father who doesn’t want to be. I do wanna father the courage to tell him vocally that I love him and figure out if he’s still willing to live with me or if we’ll always just be the way we are. I have things to learn, things to discover... We have our bad times, but I know that I love this man.

What is love? Is it two damaged people trying to heal one another? I remember him telling me he was paying for this girl he thought he was dating to live in an apartment, but he walked in once and she had other dudes there. So, I’m sure he’s been emotionally damaged and I have too... and he’s trying to make me open up and I’m trying to spoil him because he’s always doing for everyone else. I wouldn’t say he’s damaged. He’s over the things that have hurt him and I didn’t like being told that I was damaged, even though I have seen that I am. I don’t know how exactly I would describe love right now, but I would say that I know it is love because when I talk about him - it’s like I’m talking about the stars that light up the sky. This whole beautiful picture comes to life and everyone is as in awe of him as I am 💕

[famousjenstarr]

Falling in and out of love

As a kid, a young girl - most of us dream of what life would be like at this time of age. I always pictured big weddings, a happy family, children and a love like you saw in the movies. I'd wear those old fashioned dresses, have dinner made by the time my man came home from work and we'd nearly make love by the kitchen table, leading ourselves to the bedroom after dessert. Once I had my daughter and a year had passed since her dad left us, I started to believe I'd be alone forever. Customers at work gave me their numbers and for the most part, I wasn't interested... there was one, but it wasn't long after we started texting that I knew we wouldn't be anything. Well, I like two guys now... both for different reasons and with both I fall in and out of liking them. The one, I knew since my daughters dad was still around and we were having problems. She was already born and I just texted him a bit but we didn't get anywhere cause I was trying to save the relationship I was in. So much has come of us since then... a whole lot of long stories that I'll never forget. In the midst of time, though - I found myself contemplating love. He sent the good morning texts and I sent the goodnight ones. Somewhere along the lines of what I was writing, I'd feel compelled to say 'I love you' before my goodnight text ended. I never did because I'd think - "is it too soon?" "Well, its been months now, but we text more than we actually see one another in person, is love okay to say yet?" Whenever we're together, all my problems and sadness in life seem to fade away and it's just him and I... and my daughter cause we take her out most of the time. It's like we're in our own little world and nothing else matters. I'm so happy it's sickening. I went to see him one night and didn't get home until 5 in the morning. After nearly two years of falling in and out of liking him - we got intimate and that week, it dawned on me that I did, in fact, love him. He touched my heart before he ever touched my body. And I loved the way it felt to finally be held by him. I just don't exactly know what we are sometimes. It's tough being in a relationship as a single parent. Especially when your love interest is another single parent. You're both working to support your children and give them the life they deserve and you spend your down time with your kids, and then your other relatives and other things that don't include the person you like because they don't quite fit in your life yet and boy, does it suck. I get disappointed when we make plans that fall through and I've complained quite a few times this past month, but we never fight. We talk and I love that about us. A real, mature relationship. So; sometimes I wonder if I can let him go and move on. I tell myself I don't like him cause it's not worth waiting for and I try to push him away but it bothers me. Physically bothers me to the point that I mope around a bit and I'm so sad I have to tell him how I feel..and I do, and he says the perfect things and I fall right back in. I love him; I do. Mel does too. I just need to see him more. The other guy is the opposite. My coworkers were making fun of the fact that I like older men and this customer commented and asked me why I liked older men. I said that I just have more in common with them I guess and it's easier to talk to them and his response was that he's younger and he's fun to talk to. I was intrigued and then he asked my coworker for my number and I was reserved at first. I mean, I was excited for her to give it to him but when he asked what I wanted - whether my coworkers were trying to get him and I to date or get him to help me find someone my age and I said neither cause I wasn't really trying to date. He tried to introduce me to one of his coworkers and that brought some fun cause every Friday I got to see all the boys of his fathers business. Eye candy to the max. But then something clicked that we started having fun with one another with the understanding that neither of us wanted a relationship. The first time I went to his house, I felt bad for the guy I was already falling for cause it was him suck in my head when I was at this guys house. I got over it and hung with him again cause I craved time with a man and I wasn't getting it from the one I wanted so the other one I wanted offered and I'd jump at opportunities to spend time together. Yet, he still didn't want a relationship and I was able to picture an actual life with him. We debated once or twice and it made me like him less but he too, had this thing about him that just drew me back. I'm quite honest with him but not nearly as comfortably honest as I am with the first guy. Love is not a thought but pure interest and a real want to be with him is. And so, life can be sad sometimes. When you have feelings for two men, both interested in you and how beautiful you are to them but neither able to commit to you the way you want them to. Every week, I fall in and out of love.

[staypozitive]

[famousjenstarr]

Love is love... is love 💞

[thelovewhisperer]

For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, start whenever you want, you can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

Quotes from The Love Whisperer (via thelovewhisperer)

[famousjenstarr]

Help?

Hey y'all!

I do not post enough - but then again, whose reading?

Anyway, there’s a lot I’m conflicted about and need to figure out so here goes my feelings on things:

My daughters father kinda came back into our lives. And I say kinda, cause I feel it was my email that brought this on. At first, he kept calling me all the time - everyday - all month and although I would roll my eyes thinking, “what the hell does he want now?!” I enjoyed our chats as long as they were and I began calling him too.

My boss swore I’d be back with him but I said I knew I didn’t want to be with him cause he left us when we needed him and he’ll never be who we need him to be. It’s too late.

I feel like I gave in to him quickly and spoke to him as if no time was lost. I was holding back at first, but then I treated him as one of my best friends and opened up more.

He went on a trip and we stopped talking as much. Then I felt like he changed and I didn’t even like talking to him anymore (fml I know). I felt as though I shouldn’t have to reach out to him and he should be the one to do so. One thing that bothered me was that in that month we spoke like everyday, he kept asking things like “If I move back home, will you cook for me” and saying how he missed me and although those things meant nothing to me - I thought - if he were to move back … and if I saw a real change in him, some real efforts… I’d let him join my daughter and I in our different excursions and we can do ‘family outings’ and have a good relationship. I had hope for my daughters relationship with her father.

Now… well, in the midst of us not talking - I thought he moved and in our last conversation his response to my question of where he decided to move was that of “I’m still weighing my options” so I felt like well, not that I wanna be with you but if you care and miss people as much as you say… your decision would be made.. so obviously we still aren’t good enough for you. From then on, I feel like I have nothing to say to him.

I reached out to two friends and got some decent advice and coherently some people reached out to me with questions and screenshots that just brought me back to places I didn’t wanna be.

My ex and I just didn’t have the relationship I’d have always dreamed of. He was pure perfection for me in my eyes but as time went on - he put other girls before me, chose them over us and I don’t want anything to do with it, them, him telling them anything, talking about me to anyone. I want nothing to do with his life anymore, except - I don’t mind talking to him.

My daughter makes this one face sometimes that I swear to you is the exact facial expression of his that I would always be intrigued by. When she does that, it makes me think it’s a shame he’s missing these things. I think of things I’m trying to put together for her over time and how he could be a part of it and we can do things together for her. But then I think of things he said to these girls about her, about me… these girls knowing my business, about my daughter. And I think - I want nothing to do with it. I don’t want them provided with information of my life. I’ve done fine without him for two years and I want my life to stay the same. Struggle and all over that mess.

And one thing I need to get off my chest. I scroll on down Facebook and Instagram - finding my friends getting married, having babies… I see some having a second who had their first when I had mine, or people who did it right and got married first or at least had solid relationships first and although I’m so damn glad and grateful for my daughter (cause she’s saved my life) I just wish so badly I had something like that. I wish I was with a man. I wish I had a child with someone who stepped up, took responsibility, got a job and helped me. I need help. These past few months have been some of the hardest in my entire life and that struggle, along with my slight resentment of him and everything else I feel - it’s fucking with me. I regret contacting him, but I like talking to him, but I don’t trust him, but I have some (fairly little) faith in him, then it’s overcome with my swearing he will never be anything different, then I have hope for her and think I have to let him see her at least once now cause she’s gonna wanna know about him eventually might as well see how it goes now, but I don’t wanna see him. I don’t wanna spend a day with him, don’t care to see his headphone in his ear so I can actually watch him not pay attention to us. Idk how I feel or if you’ll understand what I’m asking after all this rambling but - what do I do?

[famousjenstarr]

Love this! Remember why you left and just keep walking away. Some people just don't change over time... Some people grow, they struggle at first and then they blossom. When you come back into the life of someone whose rebuilt their life without you... Man, it sure does suck. And it brings them down a bit, slows them up for a little - but darling, they'll shine bright and surpass it all. So, if you're ever gonna leave.. think long and hard before doing so and when you do? Leave. Don't look back. If they weren't for you then, they aren't for you now. #ThatsJustHowIFeel #thoughts #latenightthoughts #quotes #truth

[lovelustquotes]

When you make the choice to walk away from someone, or something, you must always remind yourself why you left in the first place. There are going to be days where you want to turn around and go back, but I promise you, what’s back there will never change and what’s in front of you is so much better.

Megan Lawrence (via lovelustquotes)

[thegirlwhocrieswolf]

New piece for my beautiful readers! xo Lang ❤️ My NEW book The Universe of Us is now available here

[famousjenstarr]

Fifty shades of fucked up

Wow. So, I'm a lot behind on the things normal people are caught up on in the world. I just watched Fifty Shades of Grey tonight for the first time, and nope - I haven't already read the books. I feel so.... indescribable right now. Let's back track a slight bit. I met this guy a while back, while my daughters father was still living in Jersey... Not sure how much you guys know about him but he moved to Colorado when she was 5 months old. Anyway, I never hung out or did anything with the guy til my daughters father left. Months later actually... I started texting him with no intentions but to entertain myself and I ended up feeling for him. He was such a mystery to me... not like anyone I'd typically 'date' have interest in... whatever you wanna call it - and the age difference isn't what made him unlike the typical type I'd go for. It was just.. Typically, I wouldn't have such a fond interest in someone unless I could see a clear future with them. If I couldn't picture where it would go, picture a life with them - I knew I wasn't interested enough. This guy was different. I was interested enough, but he was a mystery to me. But I still liked him and through all my questions - I couldn't understand why. I tried, but couldn't find anything wrong with him - aside from the fact that he was always busy and I didn't get to see him as much as I'd have liked - but I understood because his life was crazy.. I get it. Watching 50 shades tonight... I thought about him a lot and here's where I stand: I really truly like this guy whose nearly twice my age. I could picture a life with him, not clearly, but I know I'd like to wake up next to him, how he'd be toward my daughter and I love how I feel talking to him. That's 85% of the battle. We haven't talked for what would now equate to a month because of some stupid incident that I truly wish I understood. The old me, if this was either of my last two exes.... would have driven to his house day 1, walked up to his door and got my answers. Fought for what I wanted. He is different. Maybe that's not so much who I am anymore, perhaps it's still somewhat since I do want to do it - but, I'm so afraid to show him that side. He's older. He'll react differently. We have to act differently. It's like I don't wanna scare him away, but he's already left. So what really is there to lose? Back to the movie - it made me realize why I was so and am still so attracted to the man who is a mystery to me. He's intriguing.. I enjoy fun, spontaneity. A little mystery is fun and it's just all a bit of a huge turn on.. it's like figuring him out draws me in as your mans hand sweeping the hair from your face, grabbing the back of your head as his penis enters your vagina against the table of an office is an adrenaline rush to some..most..all? If you're ever so lucky to get the chance. He's proved to be so much more than anything I've ever known. He makes me feel beautiful, he's a gentleman, he says things like "make love to you" rather than "fuck you" even though there's a time and place for the latter too. (Both in anger and sexually). He's understanding, he just gets it. He's always there when you need him even tho he's not always there when you simply just want him there. That's okay though. I feel like I resemble Christian Grey a bit in the sense that I put myself in control of situations a lot and I fight for what I want until I get it aka I'm used to getting what I want..maybe? But he's like Christian Grey to me and I feel like I'm Anastasia. He wouldn't let her in, but she wanted to know more. Her soul, the person she was was changing the person he was. Although they seemed too different, they were perfect for one another. You and I are slight opposites, sir. One older, one with a life that seems far less organized, one trying to find her way in because ONE is remaining a mystery. You, like Grey seemed to want me (as he did her) but I, like she, have been left so many times that I too didn't understand. There's something about you that I never understood. The movie made sense to me because she broke through his walls and he opened up to her a bit but said everything she needed to hear once when she was asleep.. I feel the same way she did. I have so many questions that I still need answered, but I fell for you... and I feel so deeply for you... I just need you to let me in..

[thelovewhisperer]

I hate it when people say that they have given up on love. And it’s always because they think love has hurt them when in actuality, it was a person, it was a thing, a wrong decision, a bad mistake, an accident. So don’t let go of love, hold on because I promise you it’s always worth your while.

More quotes about love and relationship here (via thelovewhisperer)

[thelovewhisperer]

Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect him to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect him to calm you down when you’re yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all your plans. But that’s the thing, love isn’t a plan. It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. Love happens, and it is incredibly messy.

More quotes about love and relationship here (via thelovewhisperer)

"Love happens, and it is incredibly messy"

[thelovewhisperer]

Are you dating the right guy? What is the ideal man you should marry? Who can better answer that but a father who loves her daughter so much. This is article is relatable, sweet and touching at the same time.

Keep Reading

[famousjenstarr]

😍😍😍💞🙌

[thelovewhisperer]

I think we spend too much time wondering why we’re not good enough. We spend too much time over analyzing, over-thinking, and overreacting. We waste too much time putting ourselves down, so much that we don’t ever stop to see that well, we are good enough. You are good enough. We spend too much time with our heads down and hearts closed; and never get a chance to look up from the ground and see that the sun is shining and tomorrow is another day.

Follow for more quotes about love and relationship (via thelovewhisperer)

[famousjenstarr]

Lesson learned

... But I can't promise that I won't fall for it every time. Or maybe, even though I've learned a valuable lesson - that doesn't mean I'm over it. Completely. I learned two things today... First we'll talk about my daughter. When her father left, I was heartbroken and didn't really know what to do with myself. I felt like I needed him for the longest time. It hurt so much because I was so deeply in love with him and because he ruined my dream of a family and left me to raise a child without a father. I read a blog from a woman who grew up fatherless and it broke me for a bit. I don't want my daughter having trust issues with men because her father wasn't reliable, but I don't want to keep him from her life either. So, how do I save her from the disappointment while keeping him involved? I've been in a constant battle with myself over this. But today, I heard my daughter calling another man 'dada' and realized that she sees this guy almost every day... As much as I'd hate to say it and feel it's not true, she does have father figures in her life and she loves one of them as one would their own dad. So, maybe he biological father isn't in the picture and hasn't seen her since she turned 5 months old in May, but I can raise her to be perfectly perfect without him. I was upset because she wouldn't have the picture perfect father to spoil her and set the bar for future men. She won't be able to look at him as an example of the kind of guy she wants to marry because he won't be there for her and he can't show her the value of love by treating her mother with kindness and respect - but you know what she can get from it? She can use him as the example of what she doesn't want in a man. It's too early to teach her now, but someday- she will be a beautiful and strong young woman (she's already stronger than me) and she can look for a man who loves her. One who I'll put her first and never make her feel like she's competing for his love. Someone who is so devoted to making her feel special. She will find someone mature and with a good sense of priority and the value of things. Rather than inspiring her in the positive way I had always hoped he would, he can still inspire her... To just find a man - a real man who will never leave her when times get tough. Life doesn't always turn out the way we had hoped, but there's still always a lesson in every turn. Secondly, I read somewhere that your 'soulmate' or the man you should marry shouldn't make you feel giddy inside. When he holds you, you should feel safe and secure - not excited. Well, there's this guy that I just can't help but feel excited to talk to every chance I get. I find the dumbest and most random things to talk about just to keep us talking, but when he responds - my heart skips a beat sometimes. I can feel everything inside from the flutter of my heart to the butterflies in my stomach. I'd give anything to be in the same room as this man. For a day. He has a way with me. From the way we met, the way our friendship began, to the fact that he's stuck with me through some real craziness and just his way with words - he is such a turn on. He's a hunk with great taste, an impeccable vocabulary and style. He's quite possibly almost the perfect man. I'd say 96%. I wonder if reading this, he'd know that I were talking about him - but damn do I wish I had him. Anyway, I realized how he makes me feel and what the article I read suggested and so I realized that what I read can most definitely be true. I'll tell you that I'm still in love with my daughters father - but he doesn't give me these butterflies and this sense of excitement and craze. He hasn't turned me on with simple words since long before we broke up. But this guy, he does. And so, maybe that's my answer. Aside from the fact that we can never be together. Ever. Even if he wanted to, the small detail that he makes me so excited, giddy and can simply melt my heart with ONE word has to mean he's not my soulmate anyway. And isn't that how all flings are? It's all fun and exciting - strictly about attraction and sexual pleasure, no depth. But I promise you, and I can admit it to you that I do love this man. I'd marry him in a second. I've only ever truly loved three guys and I don't think I can ever unlove either of them. Look up true love. I'm the definition.

[famousjenstarr]

What is love? Wow. I googled it to find some sort of cute quote for you (because I love picture quotes) but I couldn't just find one. When thinking of 'love' and it's meaning, so much comes to mind. The infamous, "love is patient, love is kind..." And the cute one where kids see love as a puppy kicking your face even after you've left them home alone all day. Love has so many different meanings. It's felt differently and perceived differently by each of us. News flash: I've been in a total of three relationships my entire life. I'm 24 and that's because I don't date for the sake of dating. Granted, when I was in school - I didn't date because grades were my focus, but I have to see real potential in someone before I pursue anything. Anyway, I recently found out some pretty horrible truths about my past relationship and it made me think a lot. Firstly, women - when you feel something in your heart and you just can't seem to shake it, but you try so hard to let it go because you love your man more than anything - think about it. Really. I'm a dedicated woman. Yes, I messed up in two of my relationships - but I can never say I wasn't faithful. I always stood by the dudes I dated. First dude, maybe not so much. It wasn't a real relationship. So I'm basing this whole thing on the second two. The two that changed me and then broke my heart. Isn't that a part of loves meaning? Change? Though, I'm sure it is when you change for the better. Love is complicated and I'm a little jumpy on tangents here - but what I'm trying to say is I learned something this week, that maybe would make most people so damn angry, they feel hatred, they seek revenge. I've been that person. But this time? That's a negative. So, what's that mean? If you've discovered that a whole year spent with someone was a lie, because while you were invested, they were just playing you - what would you feel? What would you do? At first, I wasn't mad. I was gaining insight and getting clarity. It explained a lot that I felt in the relationship and kind of made me feel less of a nut job for feeling how I felt because I was on to something. Sadly, I trusted him more than my gut and only hurt myself in the end. I will admit, I thought of a clever way to make him look like the fool he made me look like for a year - but I let it go. In talking to the people who were truthful, I said that as much as I'd want to hate him for it - I still love him. And I think I always will no matter what. I truly believe that. It's like, I don't trust him, I know he'd really have to prove himself for my trust and he turned out to be everything I'd never want in the life of myself nor my daughter - but if he came to me, ready to step up and be the man I thought he was - I could continue on like nothing bad ever happened. Pathetic? I thought so. But tonight, I read a friends Facebook status and remembered his relationship. He and his girl went through so much, breakups and makeups, cheating, distance, shit talking and they still came out on top. He still loves her with all he's got - even when I thought he shouldn't have, he stood by her side and they're still what you'd call 'relationship goals'. His affection for her is still displayed on social media, and hers for him. Their love, over the years, past the hurt, anger and everything they've been through - it hasn't died. And that's what sparked this post. Because some people - like my friend and I - love very deeply. It's a kind of love that could take years to get over and completely move away from. I felt ridiculous for saying I still held a great deal of love for an ex who basically lied to my face and then blamed me for everything that went wrong, but maybe I'm not so ridiculous after all. I'm passionate. That's what it's about. Love knows no bounds. Love is when you're hurting and you still want what's best for him (or her!). It's when you stop thinking of you first, and put another humans life before your own. Love is indescribable at times, but with just one glance, one simple smile or the meeting of your eyes all the feelings come to surface. And then, you remember how to explain it (a little better, right?) Love can be horrible at times, because we're putting ourselves out there for someone who can turn out to be a complete dick that just leaves us hurt - but it's so worth it. I promise. Because what is life without that special someone by your side through it all? You're never truly rich until you're rich in love. 1.4.3. 😍😘

[iglovequotes]

http://iglovequotes.net/

[famousjenstarr]

Update 101 - baby is here

Wow, it seems like a year has come and gone since we've last spoken. Hello again! So, my daughter was born December 1st and she's an absolute beautiful riot. Everyone swore I was going to give birth on thanksgiving day, and I went shopping after dinner with my parents and thought I was going into labor. Needless to say, the very last day of November, my daughters father was here - we slept together and when we woke up, we fooled around, make breakfast plans and my water broke. Didn't eat anything that entire day and had my daughter on the first in the 2am hour. Here's where you're gonna hear the truth first. Where to begin? Okay. My daughter was born and I felt like something was wrong within the first few moments but then I heard her cry and it was all okay... For a while. Shortly after birth, I learned that she was born with cataracts and had jaundice. We were in the hospital for an extra night and then had to return twice for the jaundice. Exactly a week after she was born, I had to rush her to the ER because she wasn't breathing right and it turned out that she needed to be on oxygen for a week. Try sleeping day or night when your child needs assistance in breathing. I was a wreck. My daughters father (he was my boyfriend at the time) was there but one day, his phone kept going off, I looked and was hurt by what I saw. Extremely hurt. And I couldn't find words to say to him for so long because I was just..... Broken. I won't get into it, I know I shouldn't have looked. It's my fault, but I shouldn't have found what I did either if he was faithful to me. Anyway, it caused such fights between us and he was barely around while I was on my maternity leave. With the cataracts, i went to more doctor appointments in 6 months, than I've gone for myself my entire life. My daughter had surgery at the end of January and we're still facing the struggle of trying to get this taken care of completely. My dad and my 'baby dad' fought about him not being around for me and nothing just ever seems to go according to plan. Although my boyfriend and I got through that argument, months later - said some hurtful things and we have yet to move past it. In fact, because of what I said out of disappointment and being upset, he wouldn't come see me for my birthday, he wasn't around for Mother's Day (even though he was supposed to be) and he actually moved in the beginning of June. To Colorado. A million miles away, a different time zone and the cost of a plane ticket stopping him from seeing his daughter regularly. She doesn't even know him very much. I blamed myself for a long time and now, it just is what it is and I can't control life. After feeling such resentment and anger toward him, I let it all go and was okay without him. Then one day, he called and I missed it, have yet to be told why he ever called that day but we've kinda been talking here and there since. Doesn't seem like anything has changed but damn, my love for him came back again to the point that I can't ignore it. I try to and he's just all over my mind. I look at my daughter and it kills me that he's not around. But, that's just how life is. A train wreck waiting to happen. My daughter, Melanie is 10 months old, I'm so hyped for Halloween and am planning her first birthday. She's such a smart, tough, strong, funny, loving, beautiful little girl. She's my world. I promise, I won't leave y'all hanging as long anymore. Life got crazy. Until tomorrow, I have a business idea to share with you! Love you! I've missed saying that. Goodnight. 😘