Am getting a second opinion autism assessment even though I don’t actually think I want one anymore, because I asked for it 3 years ago and that’s how long it takes on the NHS so now that it’s come around I don’t feel able to tap out. Just filled out the stupid behavioural scale thing and I hate it so much!!! “I enjoy caring for people” - how is just answering agree or disagree supposed to express my feelings about that question, which are: “I care so so much about other people and love them deeply and I really wish I was a nurturing caring person, but it does not come naturally to me in the slightest and that makes me feel so awkward and like a massive failure because I just don’t know what to do or say, and every day I loathe myself for that, I hate that when my grandpa was dying I just didn’t know what to do or to say to him or to anyone, and it makes me feel like a cold monster even though I am so FULL of FEELINGS! And I am scared to ever have a child because I’m worried I will be an evil cold hearted terrible mother.” It’s so fucking STUPID! When I email it back to them, is it a bad idea to also send a word doc explaining how I feel about it? Are they even going to read that if I do? The fact there are multiple questions about caring whether people/animals are in pain also sits very badly with me btw, at least those ones are easy to answer. No I did not enjoy cutting up worms as a child to see what would happen.
