B L A N K

I heard it again; that voice in my head. I needed to let it loose, let it free. So I turned on my laptop, put my fingers on the keys, and began typing: Entry No.1...2...17...24...I'm still writing. Which number next? I guess I'll just have to leave that blank for now.

[farrahmndza]

Entry No.2 - Look Up

January 15, 2017 I set my sight on one of the most mesmerizing, breath-taking views I've ever laid eyes on. Today's early morning 6:30am sky was too beautiful and too surreal to be true. It was a magnificent, brilliant and vibrant painting of colors that ranged from red, to pink, to yellow that squeezed through the blue gradient of the sky. The clouds, altocumulus, I believe, was at the forefront, kissed white from the dawn sun rising. They didn't dominate the sky; the farther you looked, the more they faded out. The gaps between were not too wide, but they gave just the right amount of space for anyone to marvel at the art behind them. The frail and short trees in front of me with their small leaves fluttering from the blow of cold wind had become a silhouette against the background. Today's early morning 6:30am sky was indeed a work of art—it was God's work of art. The only sad part is that no one around me stopped to look up.

[farrahmndza]

Entry No.1 - The Future Scares Me

The future not only scares me, it terrifies me to my very core. Being a non-arab—nay, non-saudi—in Saudi Arabia gives rise to a lot of difficulties that make my future here seem bleak. Don’t get me wrong. I love this country. My siblings were born and raised here, I was raised here, the man who raised me is from here, my woman who gave birth to me created a living from here. Naturally, I would call ‘here’ my home. 

Everything used to run smoothly. There were job opportunities for me, possible doors that lead to love, sustainable salaries, making ‘here’ home for my future kids. Now I say this in the past tense due to the new laws that have recently been passed. These new rules protect the Saudis and offer them great benefits like no other, which I must say, support profoundly. I am not against this.

What does pain is that in order to ensure these benefits, some must be taken away from ‘us’, the foreigners and the aliens. Marriage is harder, since the new law, in short, states that there must be an age gap in which my husband (if I had fallen for a Saudi), would be 40 years old. Jobs are taken from us and are given to citizens (which I understand), I just hoped that a percentage of non-arabs would remain. Salaries are deducted and taxes for staying here will be taken. Staying here comes with a fee. Or even take the scenario where I were to marry a foreigner—since marriage to a man of this country is nearly impossible—they would eventually be asked to leave, and I, being the wife and the mother of our children, will have to move with him to wherever offers a job and a considerable salary.

These are some of the examples of how my future, in the country I call home, changed within a mere couple of days.

I do, however, would like to say that I have faith in everything that is happening. Maybe it’s for the best, who knows? There is wisdom behind all this.

But for now, being 20 years of age, struggling with my studies to make it in Med school, with friendships, with inner stability, with family, with religion... my unpredictable and bleak future of having no home, no job, no money, no family scares the hell out of me.