a nutty summertime "snack" for the calorie-addicted cows 🥜🐮
as if over 9000 calorie desserts weren't enough for you fatties, I have another recipe designed to widen that waist and pack your belly full of caloric, sinful sweets.
first, you have to get off your fatass and go to the store (or, have your groceries delivered, to save yourself some energy) and get the following ingredients.
1 pack of mega stuffed oreos (2520 calories)
1/2 cup of butter (800 calories)
24oz of cream cheese (2160 calories)
1 1/12 cup of powdered sugar (720 calories)
2 jars of peanut butter (or more, depending on how peanut-buttery you wanna go) (5320 calories)
3/4 cup of sour cream (if you want the cheesecake to have a little tang, but if not, do vanilla greek yogurt) (360 calories)
2 cups of chocolate chips (or more, again, your preference) (3520 calories)
1 cup of heavy whipping cream (800 calories)
1 family sized bag of reese's mini peanut butter cups (or more, again, your choice, fatty) (5070 calories)
this comes out to a disgusting, humiliating, repulsive 21,270 calories if you're so out of control that you can't help yourself, and stuff your fat face with every morsel of this cheesecake in one sitting.
I know you can't resist that type of gluttony, so here's how to make this sin:
listen to mommy carefully, okay?
crush up the oreos to make the crust, either by hand or using a food processor until the oreos form a fine crumb texture. combine this with the 1/2 cup/8 tbsp melted butter. (if you want thicker crust, double this part. also adds an extra 3,320 calories) press this mix into the bottom of a pan that can be opened, like a springform pan. make sure you press it onto the side of the pan about 1/2-1 inch up, to add that delicious crust for the cheesecake. cover this and chill while you continue to the next step.
get two bowls--in one, pour 1 cup of heavy whipping cream into the bowl and beat until the whipping cream forms stiff peaks. then, in the second bowl, beat the 24oz of cream cheese for 2-3 minutes on med/high, then beat in the 1 1/2 cups of powdered sugar until the mixture is smooth. at this point, make sure you add in your 2 jars of peanut butter, 3/4 cups of sour cream, and 1 tsp of vanilla extract and continue to beat the mixture until it is completely smooth. then, fold in the whipped heavy cream, some chopped up peanut butter cups and chopped up chocolate chips. (for extra calories, add chopped up peanuts as well.) spread this over the crust and place in the fridge for 4 hours, or until the cheesecake has gotten firm.
third: make the chocolate topping
grab yourself a bowl that can be microwaved, then pour 1 cup of heavy whipping cream into the bowl and place into the microwave for 30 seconds at a time, until the whipping cream has just begun to simmer. once it has reached this point, pour the whipping cream over chocolate chips, at least 1 bag. make sure these chocolate chips have been chopped up, so they will melt properly. after the mixture has set for a minute or two, whisk it together to ensure it is completely melted. let the mixture sit and cool for 5 to 10 minutes, and then pour the mixture over the chilled cheesecake and place back in the fridge for at least 30 minutes.
garnish with the rest of your peanut butter cups, chocolate chips, and, for extra calories, consider adding the following:
remember, a moment on the lips is a lifetime on your hips, so savor every bite because it'll be with you for the rest of your life.
