i just want to be okay

Katerina McQueen. 17. Jokester.

[fckinkaterina]

[ xx. text | ⚡️ mcqueen. ]

ezra: you're not selfish that's not the point like i want to be there for you and i'm trying and it's not because you're hard to deal with or w/e

ezra: and you're right i should defend you more and that's my bad and i'm sorry i just didn't want to get caught in the middle of things especially with fal because im so scared of making the wrong move with her

ezra: but it really just feels like idk like you're trying to use your past trauma as kind of a trump card or

ezra: well honestly i dont know what it feels like except that i feel very attacked

ezra: and not in a meme way in a real way

Katerina: i should just learn how to defend myself though... it isn't your responsibility. it shouldn't be..

Katerina: i'm sorry ezra i really don't want you to feel like that. it's honestly the last thing i want you to feel.

Katerina: "not in a meme way" i'm sorry. i sort of giggled at that. i love you.

[fckinkaterina]

[ xx. text | ⚡️ mcqueen. ]

wzra: that's not fair and you know it

ezra: maybe i fucked up and i didnt go about things the right way but i /was/ trying to protect your feelings

ezra: god everybody always expects things from me i'm sorry that i don't always have the right thing to say in fact i almost never do and i'm sorry that i dont always know the right way to do things but i'm trying i'm just a fucking kid i dont have anything figured out at all so im sorry that i dont have the magic words to make all your pain go away

ezra: so you dont get to sit here and emotionally blackmail me and basically blame me for your suicidal thoughts i dont deserve that

ezra: and of course now i'm gonna beat myself up for calling you out on it because i know you're just gonna turn this around into some personal attack on your character and a show of what an awful person you are and you're not you really aren't

ezra: and i really am sorry that i didn't support you in the right way. i should have been better. but it's really fucking hard sometimes i'm not a mind reader i don't know what's going to set you off or make things worse all i can do is try my best

Katerina: my suicidal thoughts had nothing to do with how you reacted... i was being stupid and i did need someone to tell me that... i am so trapped in my own stupid head.

Katerina: fuck ezra please i'm sorry.

Katerina: i didn't mean it like that. i don't know how i meant to mean it. i'm sorry

Katerina: please don't beat yourself up okay... please...

Katerina: i know it's hard. i'm not the easiest person to deal with and you were helping so many other people... you always help so many people and i'm so fucking selfish...

[fckinkaterina]

[ xx. text | ⚡️ mcqueen. ]

ezra: because it was petty stuff and i was trying to help you by showing you it was petty stuff that you shouldn't let bother you and that he was mad and that was ok but you didn't really do anything wrong. from the beginning i've said it wasn't a big thing but it makes sense for him to be angry

ezra: maybe i shouldn't have but i left it until it went beyond reasonable anger/hurt to hurting you just because he could

ezra: and your submissiveness doesn't make it okay for him to take advantage of you ??

Katerina: yeah but the petty stuff still hurt. i'm weak ezra. half the time he was saying those things to me i battled with myself on whether or now i should have just stayed at home and let my father kill me.

Katerina: i was in a really bad spot... i'm barely out of that spot.

Katerina: i don't know. i'm not saying he was an angel...

[fckinkaterina]

[ xx. text | ⚡️ mcqueen. ]

ezra: wait a second lmao

ezra: i said it was reasonable for him to be angry and told you not to get worked up over some dumb subtweets

ezra: i didn't "justify" him taking advantage of you sexually and emotionally don't put that on me

Katerina: until he took advantage of me every time i brought something that he did that hurt me you excused it.

Katerina: i spent a majority of my life blaming myself for everything that went wrong.

Katerina: i am the reason he was angry, i allowed him to take advantage of me, it was me too. i'm not innocent in it.

Katerina: just nevermind. sorry i said anything.

[fckinkaterina]

[ xx. text | ⚡️ mcqueen. ]

ezra: he's the one who treated you pretty badly after the fact

Katerina: you justified it at the beginning... fallon also treats me like garbage and you justify that

[blogofkendall]

[fckinkaterina]

[ xx. text | ⚡️ mcqueen. ]

ezra: ehh

ezra: i dont really think it's you that's the untrustworthy one tbh

Katerina: i'm the one who cheated.

[fckinkaterina]

[ xx. text | ⚡️ mcqueen. ]

ezra: i know he is and maybe it's genuine i'm just saying ... be careful

ezra: bc i don't want you to maybe take it as something that it isn't

Katerina: i'm not going to. i know that the chance of us getting back together is basically zero. i don't trust myself...

[fckinkaterina]

[ xx. text | ⚡️ mcqueen. ]

ezra: don't get aLL OF IT MY EYES ARE BIGGER THAN MY STOMACH

ezra: okay

ezra: i know i'm like Overbearing and i don't mean to be so motherly i just worry

Katerina: same here. but love me.

Katerina: i keep quiet about a lot of things. i know you're just trying to protect me, and he may just be manipulating me but he's acting like the guy i fell in love with.

[fckinkaterina]

.

[fckinkaterina]

— ✘ [ iMESSAGE to kitty kat. ]

Avery: me too

Katerina: i never could think of a cute nickname for you back

[fckinkaterina]

[ xx. text | ⚡️ mcqueen. ]

ezra: ice cream!!! and chips and cupcakes and brownies

ezra: and chocolate covered pretzels those are good

ezra: and cake pops

ezra: oh those yogurt covered raisins are good too

ezra: i like any and all sweetened and dehydrated fruits

ezra: sour patch kids?

ezra: :/ why did you get me started

ezra: also it's fine idc you can hang out with him all you want just be careful

Katerina: thats a lot of food ez.

Katerina: i'll get all of it

Katerina: i will be. i promise

[fckinkaterina]

— ✘ [ iMESSAGE to kitty kat. ]

Avery: i won't drag you into our fight don't worry babygirl

Katerina: i've missed you calling me that

[fckinkaterina]

— ✘ [ iMESSAGE to kitty kat. ]

avery: i just feel like he doesn't deserve a say in what we do

avery: he doesn't believe in protection anyways

avery: i mean not like that but

avery: like

avery: ya

Katerina: pls don't drag me into your fight. he just doesn't want me to get hurt Avery.

[fckinkaterina]

[ xx. text | ⚡️ mcqueen. ]

ezra: you can eat unhealthy stuff and be vegan but Dont Worry trying to eat well isnt working out for me so im just gonna give up as i do on most things that are difficult

ezra: ok

ezra: have fun

Katerina: well... okay then. what junk food should i get?

Katerina: ezra...

[fckinkaterina]

— ✘ [ iMESSAGE to kitty kat. ]

Avery: oh

Avery: yeah idk it was a misunderstanding I guess I mean

Avery: I hope we're still cool lol I have nothing but good things to say about him

Avery: thanks 😘

Katerina: a lot of it is him being protective of me. he's afraid of me getting hurt.

[fckinkaterina]

— ✘ [ iMESSAGE to kitty kat. ]

avery: well I mean

avery: we're kinda arguing and he's gonna think I'm telling him that to piss him off

avery: I still can I just think he trusts/likes you more so he'd take it better from you

Katerina: well yeah. i could tell. he wasnt your biggest fan when i was talking about how i still have feelings for you

Katerina: i'll tell him.