Coin Operated Girl

"It was as if my father had given me, by way of temperament, an impossibly wild, dark and unbroken horse. It was a horse without a name, and a horse with no experience of a bit between its teeth. My mother taught me to gentle it; gave me the discipline and love to break it; she understood, and taught me, that the beast was best handled by turning it toward the sun."

[fearless-tyrant-reborn]

What if my future person, soulmate, lover, best friend, life partner...is out there waiting for me to get my shit together?

[fearless-tyrant-reborn]

It's my turn to disappear. Will you even notice? Will you reach?

[fearless-tyrant-reborn]

[fearless-tyrant-reborn]

Breadcrumbs

When someone is carb loading you for over a decade, you start to tire of bread. Lethargic, sluggish, blood sugar spikes, and energy crashes. Always full, always numb. Eventually, someone comes along and sparsely feeds you a few measly crumbs at a time. At first, it feels refreshing and exciting. But I start losing weight, and my muscles begin to atrophy. I go longer and longer without any sustenance at all. Craving a meal just once, just a small one. But you never give it. You give only enough to keep me alive. I don't even think you have the capacity to feed yourself.

[paper-wounds]

[fearless-tyrant-reborn]

[dumblr]

“You will fall in love with three people in your life. The first is a firework. It lights up the sky, it's a big bang, but it fades very, very quickly. And we all fall in love with that person. There's a second person you'll fall in love with, which is the candle. It burns not as bright, it's a bit calmer, it burns longer, but you might even put it out yourself because it gets boring. And then the third person is the mirror. And the mirror compassionately holds up to you a reflection of yourself. Shows you all your flaws, your weaknesses. And the problem is a lot of us can't handle that. We think the mirror is broken because we don't want to see that. And so we push that away. And that's usually the one. The one's usually the person who can hold up the mirror to you in a compassionate and non-judgmental way.”

— Jay Shetty

[fearless-tyrant-reborn]

Pretty Fool

I resolve not to respond, not to give you space. Because you always take that space and find a way to injure me again. Not through intentional harm but through silence and neglect. But when you reach, my entire body lights up for you. I want to be close to you. It's a trap, an addiction. Unhealthy, unfulfilling.

So many cliches haunt my days....

"If he wanted to, he would."

"When people show you who they are, believe them."

"Actions speak louder than words."

They remind me that I'm foolish.

But I've always been that way.

A pretty fool.

[fearless-tyrant-reborn]

58 hours 39 mins

You promised you wouldn't disappear. You promised to show up. You will never change.

[fearless-tyrant-reborn]

I want to be the woman that 7-year-old me would be proud of. Not the 'pick me' girl. The 'fuck you' I'm better on my own girl.

[softshed]

Terra, acrylic on paper Instagram: @evelynwg

[fearless-tyrant-reborn]

Disappearing Act

You're a magician, an expert in your craft. You disappear like it costs you nothing, and it doesn't. You sit back, legs up, crossed - without a care. You tell me to enjoy the show - for once, just relax. I start to lose interest and scan the exit doors. But you sense my displeasure - ramp up the antics and enhance the illusions. But that's all they ever are, beautiful haunting illusions. I find it increasingly hard to look away, but to keep the show going, you are draining magic from my soul. I'm trapped in this place. Held captive to your party tricks. I can walk away, but I don't. My legs don't move. So I stay in this place, and let you deplete any reserves of enchantment I had left. The show must go on.

[fearless-tyrant]

6 shots

I said no more. I swore and I proclaimed. I knew it was a problem. I knew it caused me pain. But I hid it again because I couldn’t bear the uncertainty. 

I hid it because I required numb. 

I hid it because I’m growing despondent.

I hid it because I don’t want the weight of my nothingness bearing on your strong beautiful sober body.

And I no longer have a beautiful sober body to call my own.