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2/7/2021

I hate dreaming about you.

It makes me believe things that weren’t real.

They make you out to seem

Different

like you really cared about me

Like you really wanted me

I’m happy now.

I’m in a good spot.

I’m moving forward.

And just when I think I’ve left you in the past

(Where you belong)

You creep back into my head

And right back into my dreams.

8/17/2020

It’s hard to decern sometimes,

What emotion I truly feel

When I feel so many things all at once.

There’s not one day

That passes by without feelings.

I close my eyes

And I can’t stop seeing it.

So much time has passed,

Over a year if I’m correct.

I can still feel what it was like

To feel myself slowly slipping away.

And I just want people to know

That I still remember

Without outing why I remember.

The lowest point of my existence.

I want people to see that I still hurt.

But I don’t want the attention

To my mentality.

I’m not that girl anymore.

She died that day.

And maybe that’s why I hurt.

Maybe, just maybe

She haunts my spirit.

Maybe, just maybe

I succeeded in my intentions.

That girl is gone,

But on her place is every feeling possible

All at once.

There’s no space

For anyone or anything else.

So there’s just pain and indecisiveness.

Fear and sadness.

All wrapped up in a shell

Of positivity and smiles.

A shell of contradictions.

With no real way to untangle the mess

That is that girl’s head.

No wonder I still think about it everyday.

Sometimes I still long for it.

Sometimes...

I guess its just the darkness

Buried in my core.

The ghost of the girl who lost control

And then lost her soul.

4/20/20

It’s almost as if I’m still a game to you.

I tell you how I miss being your friend

How I have a fiancé

How it took me for forever to get over you.

You tell me I know and continue

To talk about the good times.

You talk about the sex

And “omg the sex we had though.”

I remember.

I remember how hard I worked

And how hard I made myself believe

That if you came back, I wouldn’t be tempted.

But it’s like I’m a game to you.

That if you say the right things,

I’ll drop everything to be with you.

I’m not going to lie,

There’s a part of me that wants nothing more than to be yours.

It’s all I wanted for years.

But I can’t let my feelings for you

ruin another relationship.

You don’t really want me,

You just want to feel

the way I used to make you feel.

We would never last.

02/22/2020

I did it.

I'm finally happy.

Happiest and the most myself.

But you keep creeping back.

Back into my dreams at night.

Back into my thoughts.

We had our chance

But you didn't want it.

You wanted to be alone.

And then you left.

You made it clear.

Yet you still come back.

And all I can do is remember.

Remember how much I loved you.

Remember what we went through

And what I went through because of you.

But boy, did I love you.

I just have to keep remembering

My love wasn't enough for you.

I still love you

But not in the same way.

So get out of my dreams

Out of my thoughts.

The things we went through

Are in the past.

You would never

be able to love me like Zach does.

My dreams aren't reality,

The you in those dreams are not the you in reality.

But they still make me miss you.

They remind me how I loved you.

And they remind me how you didn't love me

Until it was too late.

I should've died 2 days ago.

I could've died 2 days ago.

I wanted to. Oh boy did I want to.

But my body didn't let me.

48 benadryl will do a number on your brain.

I hallucinated for hours.

Seeing people that weren't there.

Hearing things.

Hands shaking. Eyes blurry.

I saw skin peeling off my hands.

My limbs swelling and turning cold.

Heart racing and wanting to sleep.

But the closest I got to sleep was unconsciousness.

I sat in the shower and let my phone sink in the water because I couldn't hold anything.

And all the while that I was dying.

Unknown to the pain in would feel the next day.

And now I wish I would've just let go.

So that way they could feel,

That when they were doing what they were doing behind my back...

I was at home and I wouldn't wake up to this.

They could live with that.

But I didn't because I couldn't.

It was kind of euphoric.

I almost miss it.

I almost wish.

But I'm glad it didn't.

Sort of.

I've never been so close.

No one knows how close I came.

I know my heart stopped at least once.

Maybe for a few seconds, but it jolted me awake.

No one will ever know how close I came.

How scared, but not scared I was.

How ready I was to die.

But it wasn't my time I guess.

I should've just laid down and die

Last night when I took those pills.

But mean while my friend was doing things

With a man I have loved for a year now.

I should laid there and cried last night

And let the world just slip away.

Because it could've been so peaceful

But instead it's just pain.

You could have chosen anyone else.

But why not hurt me instead .

8/25/2017

I want to go back to a time When everything was so care free. When days were about laughter And the good company of friends. Now everything is so complicated, So messy, and so sad. I've made mistakes And I'm paying for them. I'm not a good person Like I once thought. Karma is catching up And I realize I'm selfish. Too selfish for anyone to love. And if they do they won't stay long. Because they'll see the real monster Hiding just beneath the surface. Everything just feels wrong. Lost a baby. Lost a love. Now I'm losing hope. I'm losing my will to keep going, To keep fighting, Too keep trying. I'm losing this battle so many fight. And I just keep sinking. Sinking beneath the dark waves of emotion. As I start to drown, I really hope no one sees. So I can go in peace.... Or pieces.

8/13/17

This is the biggest risk I’ve ever taken. Even bigger than quitting my job. I let him finish inside me. 3 times in 3 days.

I checked the calender. I could be ovulating. But honestly I love the thought. I could have his baby.

He made a joke about it And rubbed my tummy. I think subconsciously He wants it too. And only time will tell.

8/13/17

One day my soul with rip. Tear from end to end And then split like the red sea. Forced to tear from my overwhelming confusion of choosing between the 2.

My decision seemed to be clear But I wasn’t given a choice in the end. How I know I love one But I also know I can’t let the other go.

I love them both In different ways For different reasons. Now I could be bound to one.

So my head is split And my heart as well. And it’s only a matter of time Before my soul decides to go too.

3/14/17

There's something about the way His presence makes me feel. The something about the way He makes me feel at home. At home in his arms. At home on his lips. He makes me nervous But in a good way. But it's also really scary. I'm terrified that he won't be who he seems to be. I don't know if I'm ready to put myself back out there yet. But I can see such a future with him. And I know it's soon. 2 Weeks. But this feels so right.

2/25/17

Everyday the same thing. Same routine. Different feelings.

So tired of pretending to be okay. So drained in every way. From everyone. Everyday.

So drained from everyone around. All the energy I once had Stolen by people Stolen by chemicals. Replensihed by alcohol. But only to be gone again Once it wears off.

I can feel the energy around me. Just out of hands reach. Pooling in the palm of my hand and Slipping out closed fingers. I’m so tired of my fake smile and the fake happiness. I’m so tired of the fake ass people That claim to be real.

I’m so tired of trying to reach something unattainable. I’m so tired from not even trying.

I’m drained From trying to be someone I’m not. Or maybe from trying to figure out who I am. Trying to be someone different For every person in my life.

People say they see my potential And the good things I can do. They say they can see I’m a good person. But I’m not all I’m cracked up to be.

See I don’t feel like a good person. I don’t feel like I’m special. I’m just a normal person In a fucked up world.

I’m not destined for greatness Like I once thought I was. Everyone has a talent. Something they’re called to do.

Not me. I’m just a small guppy In a much larger pond.

Stress weighs me down More than I would like to admit. Everyday a different fit. Everyday a new way to feel completely crushed. Even the close ones don’t know that much

Friends say they’ll be there through anything, But at the end of the day, I don’t see them around anywhere.

2/25/17

I don’t have an outlet. No where to let the current flow. The current of thoughts. The current of feelings.

There no one to share with. So I suppress. I suppress the vulnerability.

I push and press until I can’t anymore. And then the water works Flood. I don’t know what to feel.

But I’m scared. I tried running. But it found me once again.

My thoughts aren’t good ones. My heart is so lost. Lost in the puzzle that life has to offer.

But the current still flows Even when there’s no outlet. And explosion of emotion. And the aftermath is only destruction.

2/12/2017

It's only natural to want to share your life with someone else. You want to show people your life. With pictures and videos Sent all the time. It's being vulnerable. But only to that comfort level. It's being close to another On a deeper level. So why? Why do we judge others who try? Try to remember the good times. Why do we say "live in the moment" When maybe living in the moment Is taking a picture. Why do we shame a selfie? I want to remember the old me. Time passes so quickly. And I'm frightened of forgetting the used to be. I like to know people. Not just who they show But who they hide. The person they only show When the doors are closed And the crowd stops watching. Only then do I truly learn who Only then do I truly see The person as they are truly meant to be. The deepest thoughts Are the wisest words. Hopes, dreams, goals All wrapped up in a present. The present of a person.

12/22/16

Why do you do this to me? You make me so crazy I just can't think. You say you don't want me But your actions show you do. Then you push me away and Complain about being alone. My mind searches for ways. Ways to show you I want you. Ways to prove I'm not the same. Ways to make you want to stay. I don't know why You of all people Have such a tight hold on me. I wish you'd make up your mind. Am I what you want? If not now, then in the future? And if not at all... Can you please let me go? Let me go and never give me hope. Never let me hope for a time Like we once had. Let me go and never let me feel. Never let me feel for you like I do now. Let me go and never let this be more. Never let this be more than friends. Don't give me the false hope. Let me go and never call me baby. Never kiss my lips again. Because I can't take this game. This game of guessing. This game of wonder. Tell me straight and let me go.

November 18, 2016

I’m drowning in my own thoughts. I’m drowning in my fears. I’m drowning in my expectations. I’m drowning in my tears.

My heart aches for one man. My heart aches for a career. My heart aches for stability And for my path to be clear.

Clear from all obstacles And from all distraction. Clear from the things that tear me apart And keeping all the things I hold dear.

I see a great future With love and drive, A place to lay my head at night, And with someone by my side.

This dream seems so far away. Maybe to never be achieved. Because deep down in my soul Is a secret that makes me grieve.

I grieve for my innocence lost. I grieve to be whole. I grieve for the whole world To know what you stole.

And not just what you stole, But what you also gave To a girl who knew nothing And deserved none the same.

I’m drowning in my thoughts. I’m drowning in my tears. I’m drowning in the memories That I once held so dear.

I wish I knew the old me. The one so innocent and pure. So I could tell her not to do those things that would make her have to endure.

The pain The hopeless feelings The sorrow for a love never found.

Because what no one knows about Is the story I’ll never tell. Because this story isn’t good, There is no happy end.

There’s just a girl sitting in this bed Drowning in her own head.

November 7th, 2015

I feel a change coming. Coming like a cool breeze in spring. Light and refreshing. Unsure of what it means, this feeling that I have. Whether good or bad. But change is healthy. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes not so much. But I'll be better at the end. Once the change is done. And the thoughts are calm. Not sure what this change will look like. But I'm sure it will be a good thing.

May 30, 2015

I cringe at the smell.

But I like the way I feel.

I’m not usually the one

who drowns their sorrows.

I take the shot

Then cringe some more.

I wish I liked the way it tastes.

I just want to get drunk.

But in actuality,

I’d rather get high.

That takes every physical

and mental pain away.

He said I’m the one suffering,

not them.

Then why don’t you stay with me.

I’m the one suffering.

Depression is showing a new side this time.

It used to be playful.

The way it played with my thoughts;

with my emotions.

Now its more serious.

These aren’t just thoughts to be played with.

I want so bad to leave this town.

But I can’t.

I just want to feel included.

or needed.

or wanted.

I just want to feel like I’m supposed to be here.

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