running bird

飛べない鳥でも、私は私。even if i'm a bird that can't fly, i am me. istj. a collection of thoughts and feelings.

[feelforgetbreathe]

tumblr is really good at showing me completely irrelevant ads

[feelforgetbreathe]

it’s suddenly feeling (realizing?) that i’m not a good worker at all, maybe

it’s maybe the sleep deprivation

maybe a month in a new position and it’s just growing pains?

why do i feel so lost

why do i feel so lost

i just want to shut down and start over

can everyone just forget everything about me once so i can start over

should i take a day off? but i know i have things to do

is it realizing that 1.5 years of working alone in a “team” really fucked me up

i want those 1.5 years back

i would have done things differently

is it realizing it’s evaluation period and i can’t just be working off my own set of priorities anymore

is this my super late  反抗期

im fuckin 24 years old i should be beyond this shit

[feelforgetbreathe]

i mean i’ve known this but i just don’t... like... people...

so if i do like u that means ur pretty rad

[feelforgetbreathe]

this sounds so dumb i know but i picked up a kit to carve a wooden spoon and i’m seriously addicted to perfecting this thing

having to concentrate on how to get that perfectly spoon-like curve makes you forget all the other shit happening around

[feelforgetbreathe]

got home at like 9 but then was like omg so much time what do i do with my life

i think... this is not good

[feelforgetbreathe]

fell down the midnight youtube hole listening to most of janelle monae’s singles but damn im glad i did

[feelforgetbreathe]

somehow i got a reputation at work of a person who is smart

but i am so completely overwhelmed with everything i am expected to do atm that

i feel like i dont live up to that

and that pressure adds more pressure

in the past almost 2 years, i still don’t have much in the way of practical skills i feel like

or communication skills

or time management skills

which leads me to think - what the fuck was i doing for the last 2 years?????

and when i think that and all the wasted hours, i get really pissed at myself

which adds more pressure

i can’t tell if i’m just lazy or literally paralyzed by stress or just too stupid to know what to do first

[feelforgetbreathe]

i ate dinner an hour ago why am i hungry again

[feelforgetbreathe]

sometimes i wonder if i should be with someone who is more motivated and driven and all that

then i look at myself and see that i am not

so...

[feelforgetbreathe]

small life update

still terrible at sleeping

still kinda hate work

better work/life balance a little bit now

my gums suddenly started bleeding and i feel like im gonna die

inexplicably obsessed with makeup youtubers

still love all of you plz stay in my life even tho im terrible at keeping in touch ;__;

[feelforgetbreathe]

i wonder if i just expect too much and should stop expecting or if i’m not asking too much and i’m justified in my disappointment

it’s just if i think a little bit about how this could be the rest of my life, i get pretty depressed about it

and then it’s like “then u could do something” but what if it’s just me, what if i’m just crazy

but then what if i could ask for more and i should ask for more

then i was up last night thinking about how i don’t really have any close friends in this country and it makes life hard sometimes

there’s only so many people i can talk to about things and most things i can talk about don’t matter at all

just life/work/everything now i wonder what the hell im doing. am i just wasting my time? maybe this is just what i deserve idk

[feelforgetbreathe]

sometimes i wonder if spending so much time with someone who is so like me is making it more difficult to interact with people who are not like me

i feel like i have a lower threshold for being uncomfortable now, or how willing i am to be in less comfortable social situations.

which is... maybe not good?

[feelforgetbreathe]

i’m not unhappy but sometimes i wonder if i could be happier and i’ll just never know

[feelforgetbreathe]

do not drink a pot of black tea before bed just don’t do it

[feelforgetbreathe]

to continue the trend of posts about sleep, it is almost 2 am and i am still awake ahahaha

[feelforgetbreathe]

so bad at sleeping this week

[feelforgetbreathe]

but why am i worst at sleeping on the nights i need to sleep the most