i literally ate like an hour ago (just starting a fast) and my partner is upset at me because i mentioned fasting and now shes interrogating me and convinced i havent eaten in days. i am very ashamed to say that its motivating.
talking like an addict when i binge "noooooo no its fine. i can stop whenever i want, its not like its gonna affect me or anything. im in control." anyway i dont wanna know how much i weigh rn
ive never done any prizes for myself after reaching a gw... i spent my "fun money" last week lol so i might keep it small and get something for cross stitch, like a new kit and a pack of needles
doing this all at once because im fasting and need a distraction... this shit be getting personal lmao
day 1: your stats
currently 82.2lbs as of writing
day 2: how tall are you, do you like your height?
im 4'10, no not really! definitely doesnt help my bmi out at all, lmao. id prefer to be around 5'4.
day 3: a picture of your thinspiration. what features do you like about this person?
most thinspo kinda rolls off my back and doesnt affect me, so i dont really look at it. blessing and a curse.
day 4: your greatest fear about weight loss
i only have one fear, and its my partner. she (not so subtly) compares herself to me and uses me as thinspo, and i know losing weight will only make this problem worse.
day 5: why do you really want to lose weight? are you doing it for you?
im not sure if theres a real reason anymore. everything i can think of is something that occurred after the disordered eating started, so i dont know what truly drives me. id say im doing it for myself because theres nobody else i would do it for.
day 6: do you binge? if so, explain why you think you do
of course, definitely. most times its due to an emotion, i think ive always used food as a comfort in that way.
day 7: do your parents know you are trying to lose weight? do they care?
they dont, i never told them and they havent found out. i assume my mom would care, my father sorta shuts himself off so i dont know if hed be mad about it or what.
day 8: your workout routine
im physically disabled from an unknown myopathy (my body doesnt produce enough muscle) so everything is a workout to me lmao. i generally walk around for 4-ish hours a day, since i cant quite manage anything else.
day 9: did anyone ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?
no, only my eating habits. i was often told that i ate so much i mustve had a tapeworm, and most of what i eat is "junk food" due to sensory issues.
day 10: what was the hardest thing you gave up during this weight loss?
dude, i fucking miss the liquid calories! in past restriction phases i refused to count liquid cals, and i definitely still lost weight, but not as fast as i would have liked. ive started counting them and ughhhhh.
i didnt cut them out completely, so i still have creamer in my coffee and the occasional soda, but i want my milkshake goddamnit 😭
day 11: your favorite thinspo blog and why
same answer as day 3.
day 12: what do you normally eat?
for main meals i usually have tuna on toast, egg salad sandwiches, cream cheese bagels, ham sandwiches/ham bagels, grilled cheeses, basically just carb + animal product. if we order out its either a cheeseburger or fried rice.
for sides/snacks/small meals i like string cheese, pickles, mini candies, lollipops, pepperoni, if theres any sweets in the house i have some of that.
its a wonder that i even lose weight on this lmao. but OMAD and counting cals is what makes it possible.
day 13: are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?
i dont think ive ever seen someone answer this with the former option. we're all doing this unhealthily on this side of tumblr.
day 14: whats your UGW? when do you expect to reach it?
ooh, tough one. it seems like everyone has a set UGW but i dont. i feel most compelled towards the number 73lbs, which is the bmi of my LW (15.3). i dont think that bmi is low enough for me though, i'll figure out when i get there.
ive gotten close to that weight a couple times, but ultimately something always happens and i emotionally binge or whatever. no clue about timing.
day 15: are you vegan or vegetarian? if so, has this helped you lose weight? if not, would you consider turning vegan or vegetarian?
ive had lengths of time where ive been pescetarian (vegetarian + fish), it never helped me lose weight.
at this time in my life im not able to limit my diet to that degree, but i heavily support the lifestyle for ethical and environmental reasons. if i move out id likely try veganism.
day 16: when did you first decide to lose weight?
i began obsessively weighing myself at 7, and started to learn purging around 9/10. it wasnt ever something i was serious about, but at 12 i discovered the online ana community andddd... it really just brought out that part of me. so id say 12 is where it officially began, but ive had it in me since 7.
day 17: do you have an eating disorder?
never officially diagnosed but i dont think most people here are. yes, anorexia nervosa.
day 18: what food is your weakness?
i dont restrict what type of food i eat, as long as its under my limit. but my real weakness is food other people give me... i cant resist it regardless of the calories and it makes me feel so dumb. they dont even have to be in the room! it could just be takeout, they dont even have to be the one to cook it!
day 19: when is the last time you ate fast food?
i cant even remember, i almost never eat it since i dont like it. the grease and the oils coat my mouth and throat and it feels so disgusting.
taco bell cinnamon twists are bomb though.
day 20: favorite diet?
the special k diet is funny (literally just eat special k) but i always lose a lot of weight when i do cereal-based diets like that.
day 21: what are your clothing sizes?
ehhhh,,, i dont wear fitting clothes and everything is baggy, do usually womens small or sometimes xs.
my measurements are quite small (26bust, 23waist, 28hip IIRC?) so im below a 00 in most charts ive seen. unfortunately thats just my general size due to my height, im not as thin as people imagine from that by any means.
day 22: what was your lowest weight? when and how did you gain?
73lbs at 12, my height didnt change since then lmao. i experienced some trauma right after getting to that weight, which led to me binging myself back up to 90lbs.
day 23: did the media play a role in your wanting to lose weight?
i think it was more personal experiences rather than the media, however the media likely did contribute once i had already established my disordered eating.
day 24: how do you feel about the terms pro-ana/pro-mia
it depends on the context. in the original meaning, it just meant a space where you could discuss your disorder without actively working towards recovery. i support that heavily.
nowadays, where it usually means people promoting ana/mia as some pretty dainty "lifestyle", fucking ew. what is wrong with you people. i understand wanting to romanticize your disorder (and find others who do the same), but i draw the line at genuinely thinking that disordered eating makes you "better" than others, or whatever bullshit they try to say.
day 25: have you ever purged? if so, describe your first experience.
i have purged in the past, but due to my disability (day 8) i typically cant vomit anymore no matter what i try. the muscle just isnt strong enough anymore to contract that violently.
first experience was harrowing lmao, i had had a bowl of instant ramen and was hallucinating as i was purging it. everything else was so distracting, i dont really remember anything about the actual purging itself.
day 26: what excites you most about reaching your UGW?
the first time i got to my LW, i just remember feeling so giddy and proud and i want that again and again.
day 27: how do you deal with being around food?
if i eat it, im not longer around it... i just have zero self control.
day 28: do you want that gap between your legs? why?
i guess so. its something a lot of people are envious of, and i knew i was happy when i had it in the past.
day 29: your definition of beauty.
this is going to sound "wrong" from an anorexic person, but chubby people. i dont have a fetish for it, i have slept with average people without problem, but i dont think i could date someone who wasnt at least bmi 23... ive found that bmi 25-27 is the sweet spot though.
i just think theres something so attractive about it regardless of gender. like hell yeah thick arms and round stomachs and back rolls. fuck yeah.
day 30: 10 facts about you! and now, what are your stats?
oh god what is this, an interrogation? not saying stats since im doing this in one go.
i draw (hobbyist, nowhere near professional)
i collect animal bones and general knick knacks
garfield and miku are my favorite characters
i tap on everything
i wanted to be a veterinarian as a kid
favorite animals are polar bears and hammerheads
my grandmother wanted me to be named tapestry (what??)
imagine being on SSvSS. like. "alright [name] :) please stand in front of the camera we need you to jiggle your arms :)) yup just like that. can you squish your stomach and flap it around please. mhm. very good. thank you we got the shots" in a british accent
seriously though. you cant do that in a non-awkward way, right?
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