I’ve been mulling this over for a while, and I think it’s time for me to come clean. I won’t be returning to write here, I’m just going to tell you all what happened to me and why it led to me ceasing action on this account. I apologize I can’t put this in a read more, I’m writing this on mobile.
The gist is, I had a falling out with the Mod Gang, a really horrible falling out. I was contacted by Em that the other members of the group had come to her feeling uncomfortable, anxious, and unsafe in our Discord server. My behavior recently had been seen as strange, saying that I’ve seemed passive aggressive and have been lashing out at them.
I was also told that I have been too venty about personal issues in our general chat or have been neglecting topics that are too sensitive or make people uncomfortable.
It got so bad that some of them had become so anxious or upset with my behavior that they considered leaving.
I want to take the time to say, I genuinely did not know that I was making the others unsafe. I say that with complete honesty. I did feel a sense of tension in the chats when I was around but I chose to ignore it, believing I was just imagining something.
I apologize to everyone in the Mod Gang for the pain I’ve caused you all. You guys were my best friends, my family, and I loved you all more than anything in the world. You gave me a place where I felt safe, welcome, accepted, listen to, and loved. And I stripped that away from you all.
After thinking it over, I’m glad you chose to ask me to leave, because as much as I wanted to stay, I knew that if I was really causing this much pain, then leaving is a small price to pay.
I did not react well to the news. I admit I could’ve responded so much better, but I did not. I was blinded by a mix of rage and sadness that I took measures that should not have been considered. I left every group. I unfriended every mod. I ceased action here. When they tried to contact me to help, I shut them out. I told them I would not hesitate to block them all if they kept trying to talk.
As much as I want to play the victim card, to put all of the blame on them, I can’t. They did what they felt was right, and I respect that. I may not like it, but I understand that they were looking out for each other.
If there’s one thing I want to say after all of this, it’s that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made you all feel uncomfortable. I’m sorry I made you all feel anxious. I’m sorry I made you all feel unsafe. I’m sorry I shut you all out when you wanted to help. I’m sorry for every negative action I took in response to this.
There’s so much more I could say to try and strengthen my side of the argument. To pull several examples that could show me as the victim, but those won’t be necessary. I am not the victim in this situation, they are. And I would like to say on the record that I am not trying to play any shitty card to give me the upper hand. I’m speaking the truth.
I will not be continuing action on this account, but I will not block any of you if you wish to talk this through like civilized adults. I should’ve tried that from the start, but I didn’t. I do not expect your forgiveness. I do not expect your friendship. Hell part of me doesn’t even want it. I want to put all of this behind me, because as shitty as it seems, I did grow from this. I need to pay very close attention to what I say and how I react towards others. I’m sure I’ve overlooked something in all of this that will come across as insensitive.
Something I need to get through myself, no matter how many times I say it to others, is that the intent doesn’t matter. What matters is the impact. I did not mean to hurt my friends, but they were hurt. That is my fault. I did not mean to worry you anons, but I did. That is my fault.
So for the final words of this, I want to once again just say, I’m sorry for the way I acted, both in the server, and in response to your guys’ decisions.
Thank you for a wonderful time in the comrade union, I’ll always treasure the time I had with you all. If you need anything, you know where to look.
-Ex Mod 🍒