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i don’t know how i feel about what’s going on right now. it’s nice to have johnny involved, but i don’t think he’s necessarily interested in me and he’s 24/7 involved in my relationship with yuta and taeyong now.. which means that it’s either me or him at any given time? i don’t have the confidence to bring it up with anyone else but i think it’s having a negative effect on my self-esteem that he doesn’t want me, or that because that one role is filled, that i won’t be able to join in as much. maybe i’m overthinking it. i need to be more confident, but i’m not. i’m scared of ruining everything.

me and taehyung are going away together for the weekend. we need to take some time just the two of us, away from everything else. he’s so special and it makes me sad that nobody has ever really shown him?? i feel like the best friend he told me about doesn’t treat him very well and if that’s all he’s been used to then like... okay. i’m hoping we’ll have a nice time together.

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taehyung is the loveliest thing in the world. he has this big boxy grin and the sweetest laugh, he wears his hair down over his eyes and it’s so wavy and it frames his big smile so sweetly. he has this freckle on the tip of his nose... i’ve had a thing for taehyung for a while, but i’ve found it hard to maintain our relationship to the point it grew beyond sex. i was forming bonds with chittaphon and taeyong, entirely new ones, and i guess i was over capacity. recently he had his heart broken and i guess he just needed something to take the edge off, so he’s been staying at the wayv dorm with me. we’ve used this time to get closer, and i can’t get over him. i’m obsessed with him. what a sweet, perfect boy.

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oh my god i’m the happiest man in the world i think

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i have neglected this because i’ve been busy and predominately overwhelmed with happiness and love.. which is the best feeling in the world.

me, chittaphon and taeyong spent valentine’s day together and it was perfect. i feel like the luckiest man in the world with those two, they always tease me and spoil me rotten. i love watching them interact with each other, the two men i love. i love that things get to be this way. there’s no jealousy, there’s no lies or mistrust. polyamorous is the only thing i could ever identify as, and i would never be happy with just one partner when there are so many people in the world all of which i’m waiting to build experiences with, relationships with. how can you love one person? how can you deny yourself natural instinct and love and curiosity and sexual desire just because you signed a piece of paper devoting yourself to a single person? it just isn’t for me.

i’m so shy when it comes to chittaphon. i’m not shy - but i am. i can’t explain it, can’t explain how i feel when i’m with him. he scares me shitless because i cherish him so much and i idolise him so intensely.. but at the same time he’s my ten, my best friend. we both joined wayv and superm together and we’re our own little unit. he’s my safe space. i remember being petrified when i moved to seoul and he stayed by my side and taught me everything i had to know. now we love each other. we’re boyfriends. we’re dating. he’s so soft and playful, he takes care of me unlike anyone else could. i always make sure to eat a good breakfast every morning because i’d hate to face his wrath if i didn’t. i love him.

i love taeyong so deeply, like all i had to do was realise it before i got thrown into the deep end of it. me and him went to yeongyang to stargaze in the back of a hire truck and it was so beautiful that just thinking about it makes me emotional, i pine for it to happen again. taeyong makes everything so special and he pays such attention to detail. i think this is why he is so good at taking care of us all - he just knows. he played 3 shows in japan and i flew out to surprise him, just to prove i couldn’t get him off my mind. i couldn’t. i never can. things between us are beyond perfect and i’m going to take care of him forever.. and i know he’ll do the same with me.

i’ve been so busy that i’ve been neglecting taehyung a little, to the point where he reached out to me asking me to be straight up with him. i feel fucking terrible for doing that to him - time was just passing by and me and taeyong have almost been shacking up in a way. out of my relationships, taeyong is definitely the closest to a more traditional monogamous romance. we spoke and i apologised a lot. i’m really going to try and be better to him, and as soon as he lands back in seoul i’m going to pick him up and spend some time with him. things between us are mainly physical, but.. only time will tell.

yuta??? i would like to **** *** ****** ** **** ** *****.

[yungworms]

@zucchinismansion i told you i’d write you a letter, so here it is. please don’t cry or i might have to fight you, and we both know i wouldn’t win that one.

Keep reading

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i want to update this but 1,000 things keep happening every day stay tuned

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taehyung is picking me up from the airport tomorrow and i’m going to kiss him until he’s dizzy because i haven’t been able to for so long.

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taeyong was giving me lots of nice compliments and the first one he said was ***** like straight off the bat the first word he said and to be honest after my ex calling me fucking stupid all the time it just feels NICE to be treated so well and cared for and have someone be so soft with me.

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ten always teases me and i know that he’s just messing around with me but he makes me feel so insecure. like i’m a child again and i have no say in anything and everything i do is open for criticism. i just want to be perfect for him, i just want him to want me want me more than anything more than air i want him to want me so much that he goes crazy. maybe he’s in london fucking around because he’s bored of me? maybe i need to get a fucking grip. we need to talk. i’m never jealous or possessive and i have always been in open relationships but the lack of communication between the two of us is making me insane and i’m thinking thoughts a sane yukhei would never think. i’m starting to get paranoid and i don’t like what grows under my skin when i start to feel out of control of situations.

come home come home come home please.

i’m taking taeyong out for dinner to make myself feel better about chittaphon and how much i miss him, but i feel angsty still. i’m overly paranoid about hogging him now that sicheng is here - we’re doing this whole threesome thing and i’m not sure it’s working. sicheng doesn’t seem to actually want to talk to me.. well, ever. i was looking forward to seeing how it could’ve progressed but i don’t think he is interested past taeyong and a quick fuck.

everything is weird, mexico feels weird. i’m clinging onto taeyong as he is my safe space. i got him some flowers as a little gesture and he cut the edges off of them and put them in a makeshift vase. that got to me, and i don’t know why. i never knew you had to clip the ends off the flowers when you plant them. somehow it felt intimate, like he was taking care of them. my brain was screaming at me in that moment to tell him i love him.. but then i chickened out.

i feel like in a way he cut off my shitty bad bits of stalk so that i could have a refreshing bit of plant food... you know?

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ohhhhhh my god i’m so selfish and jealous

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sicheng is in vancouver, chittaphon has gone to london. i think i might be a little lonely on the last few days of tour.

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nevermind i was being stupid

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sicheng is in vancouver, chittaphon has gone to london. i think i might be a little lonely on the last few days of tour.

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okay, well. i like this.

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i have so much to yell about and i don’t know where to start. chittaphon. chittaphon is perfect and i love him, he loves me. he is my constant and i always come back to him, if i stray too far from his side i get scared and i end up running back into his open arms. he’s so cool, everybody loves ten. he’s so effortlessly funny and he can speak so many languages so well. he’s so smart. he dances so effortlessly, the way he moves his body is so beautiful. i think he’s the most incredible thing in the world. he protects me. he babies me far too much but i love that - i always want to be with him. we aren’t very good at discussing things, we just let it happen. i need the validation and reassurance, i want to talk to him about how i want to make him mine but that’s a scary subject and every time i try to bring it up we end up just kissing and i can’t say anything apart from his name.... god, i’m so weak for him.

???????????

taeyong is different. we’ve been closer than ever this tour, usually waking up next to each other or at least spending the entire day in each other’s company. i have feelings for him, i tell him every day. things between us started off as casual but now they’re not. now they’re really not. i feel sea sick in a good way, like i want to stay by his side and not really ever stray too far. we’ve started opening up to each other a lot more now, mainly about taeyong’s drug history, but i mentioned my life in hong kong briefly and i didn’t feel like i was going to die having shared that snippet with him. all we do is laugh and scream and play fight all day, and then we cuddle all night when we sleep. he’s like a dream come true. we’re going to hire a truck and drive five hours from seoul where the air is clear and we’re going to stargaze. taeyong is making a playlist. a fucking playlist. i hate to put a curse on it but i think i’m *******.

taeyong asked me if i hated sicheng yesterday, all 3 of us joined a group chat that same night to write off any bad beef.. today we were discussing something suspiciously close to a threesome. i don’t know what to make of any of this, but all day i haven’t stopped thinking about what sicheng’s lips feel like, and how i could maybe sneak my way into finding out.

end of story: i’m homesick, delirious, and in love.

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