Fifty Shades of Feline

Personal blog of Mr B. Fluff, Esq.

[fiftyshadesoffeline]

To celebrate the life of Our Darling Brother Whom We So Adored, the FRFG State Broadcasting Service shall be posthumously releasing his final, as of yet unreleased feature film, "Alien", a remake of the cult classic. Coming soon to a screen near you - "In space, no one can hear you caterwaul!"

[fiftyshadesoffeline]

A message from the Capitol: Following the tragic passing of Our Darling Brother Whom We So Adored Requiescat In Pace (and no, he totally was not finished off with polonium poisoning in his Whiskers), all civic duties of the realm have been handed over to Us, including the running of this what We call "inter-web", which shall henceforth be known as "The Felines' Republic of Fortis Green State Broadcasting Service" (FRFGSBS). Let the bells tinkle for joy. We would wish to issue a brief decree ex catedra: henceforth, let it be known that We are the Fairest Feline Of Them All (FFOTA) within Our realm (We have finally reached a stage where ODBWWSA is no longer prettier than Us and We are truly all about that bass - We imagine it may hard for him to keep up appearances in his present state). Any felines challenging this Grande Pedistale of achievement shall be imprisoned and taken to the Vetinary Surgeon for interrogation; for We are not amused. We feel sure however that no such measures shall be necessary as We the Felines all move forwards together in the Harmony and Progress that is this Our reign, the Great Feline Day of Reckoning (GFDR) for which We the Felines have been waiting, commencing with Our "Five Month Plan" to gain three pounds through the consumption of Sainsbury's Wet Nourishment. Yours nobly and humbly, Jojo Fluffiana of the House Fluff, First of Her Name, Queen of the Household and Supreme Leader of the Back Garden and Beyond

[fiftyshadesoffeline]

Got a long list of ex-lovers, they’ll tell you I’m insane.

[fiftyshadesoffeline]

[fiftyshadesoffeline]

CAT aims to empower people to live a more sustainable life. Through a combination of post graduate, short, and school courses and practical onsite examples

Finally know what I want to do when I grow up <3

[fiftyshadesoffeline]

I always used to find birds somewhat appetising. Never again.

[fiftyshadesoffeline]

Such a shame that Jojo’s personality is as fugly as her fat face.

[fiftyshadesoffeline]

Preach.

[fiftyshadesoffeline]

Style icon tbh

[fiftyshadesoffeline]

New Movie: The Sound of Mewing

I am delighted to announce that I have been cast in my second feature film! Not only that, but this time I’ll have the opportunity to display my vocal talent as well as my acting chops!

The Sound of Mewing is the latest Broadway-to-screen adaptation to come out of Hollywood, and follows the heart-warming true story of Fraulein Marina (portrayed by my old co-star Owner #4), a postulant at the Sacred Heart Convent, West London, who is sent by the Mother Superior (experienced vocalist Owner #2) to the Hampstead Garden Suburb home of single parent Captain Von Kat (myself) to work as a nanny to his seven kittens.  When Marina discovers to her horror that the kittens have not been taught to vocalise correctly by their negligent father, she decides to lead them on an excursion to Primrose Hill where she takes the opportunity to teach them the important life-skills of mewing and purring, before setting the sonorous felines loose in London to rehearse their repertoire on the Tube and Boris Bikes.

However, trouble is afoot when Marina slowly starts to realise that she is falling in love with the Captain despite his engagement to a local socialite known only as The Duchess (Jojo Foster).  However, upon realising that The Duchess is in fact Captain Von Kat’s long-lost sister and therefore really oughtn’t to be marrying him at all, and stirred on by a showstopping rendition of “Climb Every Curtain” from the Mother Superior, Marina turns the situation on its head and ends up marrying him herself!

But wait! The worst is yet to come!  Our characters undergo the greatest catastrophe that can possibly occur in a movie when the villainous Nazis turn up.  When the newlyweds and their kittens refuse to co-operate, they are forced to flee the clutches of the evil Gauleiter (FNW Public Enemy #1) and his pesky telegraph boy sidekick (FNW Public Enemy #2).  Will they survive to tell the tale?

With cheerful tunes including “My Favourite Things (Whiskas and Iams and steak and Purina)”, “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Marina?”, “Six Months Going On Seven Months”, and of course “Climb Every Curtain”, this musical masterpiece is guaranteed to have you joyfully tapping your foot along to… The Sound of Mewing!

http://fiftyshadesoffeline.tumblr.com/post/117858796387/im-delighted-to-announce-the-upcoming-release-of

[fiftyshadesoffeline]

"Can't... quite... role... over..."

[fiftyshadesoffeline]

And people ask me why I don’t like dogs…

[fiftyshadesoffeline]

Draw me like one of your French girls ;)

[fiftyshadesoffeline]

Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short, wear shirts and boots, cos it's OK to be a boy. But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading, cos you think that being a girl is degrading.

Queen Hatshepsut on her trademark beard, c.1460 BC

[fiftyshadesoffeline]

WARNING

Known psychopath reported on the loose in the local area, pictured here at around 2:30 am last night.  Do not approach on any account.  Residents are advised to stay in their homes and keep their doors locked and curtains drawn.  Any sightings or suspicious occurrences please remain calm and contact Finchley Neighbourhood Watch chief Mr B. Fluff at the first opportunity.  Your co-operation is much appreciated in this ongoing investigation.

[fiftyshadesoffeline]

If Emma can make it, so can I!

[fiftyshadesoffeline]

Pshh, I AM God!