@bioware meet me in the pit a blog for yun mahariel [this is a semi-private blog in that while it is too much trouble to keep people from following, please don't reblog anything that seems personal/tagged with #irl ling or says dont reblog somewhere in it! thanks!!!
if wardens are mortal/darkspawn hybrids their blood would technically be at least somewhat tainted and if ingested in large amounts would probably get someone sick ? and supposedly animals instinctually avoid blighted creatures/areas so
i wanted to annotate my zev mix i guess? there was no good reason for doing this but i did it, here it is
boy with a coin // iron & wine
a boy with a coin he crammed in his jeans
then making a wish he tossed in the sea
walked to a town that all of us burn
when god left the ground to circle the world
losing innocence? childhood? becoming a weapon. "god left the ground" no one is left to look after him but himself. protected his heart by crushing it
heart swells/pacific daylight time // los campesinos!
coat fell, heart swells
draped across the sofa
sleep well
i feel you've ruined me forever
first loves, contradicting what he's been told to believe, tentative tenderness, something delicate
broken bones // aqualung
this is a story 'bout the three of us
down by the water and the tide is rising
this world is burning and I'm terrified
i need a little more time with you
the trio becomes two
not your year // the weepies
and every day it starts again
you cannot say if you're happy
you keep trying to be
try harder, maybe, maybe
this is not your year
the depression, the hole, after rinna
strawbear // keaton henson
when i get tired and eventually leave
i'll get back on the road and i'll leave you in peace
and i won't even look back as the tears hit your cheek
please don't look at me
moving on, going back, staying in place
sense, sensibility // andrew jackson jihad
so i try to look inwardly at all the things inside of me
but sodomy and buggery keep bubbling to the top
so you'll go forward and i'll go back
i hope we catch up with each other on this track
self-deprecation, not being good enough for something real
autoclave // the mountain goats
i am this great, unstable mass of blood and foam
and no one in her right mind would make my home her home
my heart's an autoclave
clinging onto the inability to love
i wanna get better // the bleachers
and i miss the days of a life still permanent
mourn the years before i got carried away
so now i'm staring at the interstate screaming at myself,
"hey, i wanna get better!"
unexpected kindness, a hand waiting to be grasped at the first breath of air outside the grave
asleep on a sunbeam // belle & sebastian
think about a new destination
if you think you need inspiration
roll out the map and mark it with a pin
i will follow every direction
promise of a new life
first day of my life // bright eyes
and you said, this is the first day of my life
glad i didn't die before i met you
now i don't care, i could go anywhere with you
and i'd probably be happy
love, of any kind
monkey tree // mother mother
you wanna be a free bird
you wanna be a free lover
see you gotta run from the shepherd
run run away with me
freedom from the past with someone new, something precious
lil thing bc the fic is taking a long time (this.............. isnt a happy thing)
#blood #death (kind of)
the first clue is the arms wrapped around their middle. they’re a nice weight; not too heavy, very warm, calluses in the right places -- it’s just that they were never there before. not in the morning, at least, and at night they’re usually only there on their way somewhere else, but that’s a different story. and arms are just arms unless they’re attached to a body, and so forth.
the point is, yun has no idea who the arms belong to. and to whom this -- proper four-poster bed with soft sheets and too many pillows -- belongs to. because it isn’t theirs. and to whom this nicely decorated and lived-in bedroom belongs to. not theirs. same story.
then there’s something odd: they’re watching themself from behind where they are on the bed -- that is, not on the bed, on the floor instead, watching those silks slide off a brown shoulder interrupted by swirls of black ink, all the way down to the tailbone like an arrow and a wink. yun knows that back. and now they know those arms.
“how long have you been awake, hm?” says a voice yun knows, even roughed by sleep, anywhere, and their eyes snap open even though they already were, shoved back onto the bed by nothing at all. those arms, the hands, travel up between their breasts, fingertips ghosting over the skin in between, lips pressing endlessly into their hairline at their nape.
“am i dreaming, zevran?” yun asks. his arms pull them closer, like gravity. they feel his warm, bare chest, his heartbeat, like hitting the ground.
“it would be a shame to lose such a morning to dreams, no?” he says, mumbling the words into their skin, so impossibly real it is like hearing it from everywhere at once. in yun’s other eyes they’re seeing him mouth it from above; in another they’re so close they can only see his lips make the motions; in yet another they’re watching themself close their eyes and sink further into his arms.
the second clue is the lake they’ve stopped next to, the sun pleasant in the sky through their light clothing. they haven’t shed their armor, haven’t set down their weapons by a tree. there is nothing here but the lake and the freckles on their skin.
and they certainly didn’t walk here. they didn’t even wake up. perhaps this isn’t even the same day.
“what is this?” yun asks, because their first question wasn’t answered.
“a reward, i think?” zevran says, putting a toe in the waters. “for a job well done defeating the blight.”
“the entire world. whatever you want, amor,” zevran says, smiling something sickly. “me, obviously.”
it’s like hearing someone talking in another room, yun thinks. someone is pounding on the door, the walls, screaming at you, but you aren’t listening, because the sun is warm, and the water is nice, and you are too at peace for someone else to ruin it for you, even if that someone else is you.
“the blight’s over,” yun repeats, tongue slow and heavy. “whatever i want.”
“anything.”
“what about the others?” yun asks. “what about my clan?”
zevran, the shadow in the shadows of the trees, doesn’t stop smiling. “they won’t be able to make it, unfortunately.”
the pounding on the walls is getting louder. “excuse me?” yun says.
“pardon me -- perhaps it is fortunate, instead?” zevran says, eyes mere glints in the dark. “you are the one always worrying about disappointing your clan, failing your friends. so isn’t it better for them to be out of the way?”
it takes a moment to realize the pounding is actually their heartbeat, finally waking up. but there is nothing to wake up from. nothing twists, nothing leaves. yun’s body tenses, pulling back on that old shirt called get ready.
“no clan to look at you with accusation because you’d left tamlen to die; no alistair to all but call you evil for approving of blood magic and sacrifice,” zevran says, putting a hand on his hip all casual like there was any way he could even know all this, “no leliana to resent you for not believing in her maker; no morrigan to look down on you for being soft; no sten to disapprove of you for being weak.
“only me,” says the thing in zevran’s skin, smiling with his mouth. the worst part is, it still doesn’t look wrong. “and isn’t that better?”
the third clue.
“why only him?” yun asks of the -- demon, right, there was a demon -- wearing zevran like a threat.
“you seemed to like me well enough,” it says, still using his voice, his words, all wrong, all right. “you have told yourself over and over again, haven’t you? you don’t care about me like you do the rest of your companions. you can’t disappoint me because you don’t care about me. because you only keep me around for sex and fun.”
the words seem to separate themselves from him become their own entities, hanging in the air, circling around yun like flies, like buzzards of their own design. some of them echo in yun’s own voice.
“isn’t it true, my dear warden?”
yun finds their left hand clamped on his jaw the same way they found themself by the lake; immediately and without transition. their knees sat damp, half in the water on the shore, zevran’s hair blooming out under the clear water that’s gone up to his ears in the lapping waters like bright sunny seaweed. there is a knife in their other hand. it’s sitting on his windpipe.
“and here,” the demon says, teeth in that mouth sharper than the ones yun knew, “is the proof. so is that a knife? or are you simply glad to see me?”
yun’s jaw hurt. dimly, they realize it’s because they’ve been clenching it.
“you see how easy it is to kill me? for you to kill him?” it continues, even while its -- his -- bobbing neck presses beads of blood onto the blade, runs down that brown skin criss-crossed with scars and ink and blossoms into bright red flowers in the water. it reaches up and presses the knife even further down. “you mean to argue that you care about him, yes? how is that possible? do you even feel any guilt?”
“you’re not him,” yun says. it doesn’t feel real. why don’t they care? they urge the knife farther. shut up.
“so, you’re going to kill me,” says the demon. “do it, then. i am not alive, and i cannot die. you know about the fade, yes? i am a concept. i am memory. i am what will keep you awake.” it takes his hand off the blade, dyeing the entire lake red. “do it. slit his throat to wake up. but i will be there, every time you look at him. i will be there, and i will look like you, hunched over his body like monsters do and a knife glittering red.”
yun doesn’t remember dragging the knife. maybe that’s another dream thing.
“lie to yourself,” it continues, maddeningly, blood bubbling out of his mouth like brooks, “tell yourself this isn’t real. but remember this: you don’t feel remorse. this doesn’t feel wrong to you. you are dead!”
the knife is sticking out of his chest, unblocking the dams on all those red red rivers, until eventually even the grass, the trees, the sky, is red, then redder, then black.
yun takes a breath.
remember this.
yun snorts.
(to themself, they think: the truth tastes like shit.)
ladylazabath replied to your post: eluvian thoughts? carries the taint so...
Wtf is lyrium??!? What are the dwarves?!?! I like can’t even come up with headcannons for shit like that, my brain just stops…moving forward in any direction with those
uhh i had a thought before i left work lemme see if i can remember it
lyrium = connected to the fade? right?? magic rocks
but its apparently ALIVE so. not a rock, technically. so its something else thats not animal, plant, or mineral like. fungi. but its not fungi, its lyrium
if its magic then it has to have something to do with the fade, maybe the first things that pushed through the veil to take shape in the mortal realm
only it was a longass time ago, maybe when the earth was still forming, so --> rock form
uhh ok i have some EVEN WEIRDER thoughts
im also thinking dwarves or their very ancient ancestors existed before lyrium, so assuming there was no prior contact with the fade they wouldve evolved without the ability to use magic/dream
dwarves evolved in the earth? low exposure to lyrium as a fetus might give a species resistance, idk
idk the details lol but basically dwarves evolved around lyrium, which, being a dangerous mineral in its raw form, would mean that evolution wouldve selected for high resistance to its negative effects, which gives us dwarves as we know them
i forgot about that part about merrills but yeah maybe, i still think the alive part holds up tho
and! maybe! the joining is like one step away from blood magic anyway, and it slows the taints progression so maybe the wardens just haven’t gone far enough with it, or its just harder to cure people rather than like…. non people i guess
zev and bela probably tried to explain the rules of wicked grace to yun when they first met her but for some reason yun just DOES NOT GET IT and that first time yun basically loses like ten times straight which leads to the three of them finding a room to do XXX and XXX instead
when The Gang decide to have a wicked grace night yun is still ??? about the rules but decides to play anyway because at some point not knowing the rules became a point of pride. theyre deliberately playing the game wrong. alistair asks them for help and theyre just making shit up but theyre so sure of themself he believes them. zevran alternates between playing the actual game and playing by yun’s rules, which are sometimes oghren’s rules because he and yun have “i have no idea what i’m doing and i dont care” solidarity
eventually shale smashes the pile of cards because they got bored and yun throws their hand in the air shouting THE EVIL IS DEFEATED as the cards flutter everywhere
i guess it wouldn't be right to send an endless soundless scream to your inbox but. that's how your yun zev story is making me feel. your writing is messing with my head, it's really good and, like, palpable? like atmospheric but more real? idk how to describe it i just wanna yell
it’s ok to yell. im yelling at this ask righ t now
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