I don't remember almost anything before the age of 13. I'm guessing it's because that's the age my life changed. So that's where I'm going to start, just stay with me! This is where the "Fights" part of my name makes sense. I fight every single day to be better than my past.
At age 13, I was not making very good decisions already. I hung out with people I shouldn't be, doing things I definitely shouldn't have been doing. Looking back now as a mom, I'm completely horrified even though it didn't take long for me to bear the repercussions of these decisions.
This one summer evening, all that cost me more than I'd ever know. I lied and said I was sleeping at a friend's house and we went and slept at another friend's in another town. Once there, we snuck out to meet a group of unscrupulous guys my friends knew that were also too old for us. My stomach was in knots, I was petrified meeting strangers in the middle of the night and thinking about how much trouble I'd be in. But I shoved all that aside to fit in and be "cool" with my friends, against my better judgment that was creeping up.
I won't go into extreme specific details, they're not necessary to the story. Truth be told it took all my strength to bring myself to tell this tale, and it's the first time I am EVER telling it in it's entirety outside of a mental health physician's office. But to this day, I cannot stand the smell of marijuana. It sets off extreme PTSD that I need to work VERY hard to control in the moment. Why you ask? Because this night is the first time that I ever smoke it. This also turns into the same night that we all climbed up on a roof, I passed out, was sexually assaulted by an older guy and woke up at the end of it. My friends were on other sides of the roof otherwise engaged. I can't speak for their experiences.
My life was a whirlwind of emotions and decisions after that day. I did not tell the police or my parents etc. for fear of repercussions from lying and willingly doing the drugs. The guy that raped me then went on to do some other bad things to people and I took on the burden of guilt for all that. I became anorexic. I sometimes was drinking in school in a bottle of oj for a short time. I continued to choose friends that were not the best for me. I completely shut down from boys because I was petrified that they too would hurt me. After a few months, I went the complete opposite way and paid far TOO much attention to boys (most of whom were older than me) because I thought it to be easier than maybe being assaulted again. This went on for over 3 years and it was the darkest period of my life.
3 years later, I finally told my mother - who was heart broken knowing I'd lived like this for so long with no help. She immediately put me in therapy and I have worked almost every day since then to try to fix this damage that was done to my spirit. My soul and my childhood I still should have been living were irreparably broken. But slowly, surely, over a long time with this therapy I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was able to see what I could do to help myself be somewhat whole again.
There were certainly learning curves. I tried marijuana a few times after that in the company of people I trust, and every single time I got sick (presumably my mind still associating the 2). I gave up trying that in my very early twenties, it's unnecessary lol. I was in a slew of unhealthy abusive relationships over the years (some physical, most mental and emotional). But each relationship, I allowed a little less to hurt me without standing up for myself. One day, I finally became the person that takes NOTHING from anyone lol. Each thing that has happened TO me I have turned into a learning experience FOR me. It's shaped me in SO many ways.
To this day, almost 26 years later, I cannot stand the smell of marijuana without reliving that night. It gives me anxiety and immediately triggers PTSD. I don't let people treat me in ways I am not worthy of anymore. I am no longer engaged in any relationships that are mentally or emotionally detrimental for me (not just my 13+ year marriage, but friendships and family members as well). I want to share my story with the world, especially young women, for them to know they are not alone. That they can and should get help immediately so they do not have the years of damage that I did before (hopefully) emerging on the other side. Not all do. Some never do and incidents like this shape and envelop their entire lives in darkness.
I am not ashamed. I did nothing wrong. I want to show awareness. I hope that my words here do a few things - show that awareness, help somebody that needs it and also helps you understand more about me. This should help explain my personality and a lot of the way I am. I have anxiety, low self esteem, I'm hard on the outside, vocal, strong, sensitive and a whole boat load of other things 🤣
I appreciate you reading this and understanding. I am always open to talk in further detail or to help anyone that wants to talk about their own experiences. Thank you so much for your love and support 😘