schizoid embolism

merritt/meda • 1991 • ze/hir, they/them, elle/le • gay guy/disabled dilettante • [ko-fi]

[archivearchangelica]

Unsure, 2008

[filenesdebasement]

i would like to:

get laundry from dryer when it's done

clean body with no rinse shower wipes

make coffee, turn into iced coffee w/ creamer, freeze some into like... frozen coffee pops in silicone muffin tins

go for walk ?? return books you're not going to read to little free library but keep the acting one and read some.

emgality shottt

move dresser to J room!!!

[lutalical]

[filenesdebasement]

making Posts abt these things aids in memory and retention so. multiple times recently my boyfriend has said to me "oh i can do that" about some minor household task, and i have activated like a sleeper agent and started doing it myself to the point of like colliding with him because neither of us can stop actions mid-plan. and he will be like WHAT'S HAPPENING. whatever i'm doing is self-evident to me but makes no sense to him. anyway it seems that my family growing up trained me to hear "i can do that" as a passive-aggressive indication to Help that you have to say as a kind of ritual, akin to how people fight over who pays for the check.

(this is insane bc if you actually want to do something yourself in this kind of environment, you basically have to wait until no one is watching and tell no one)

[filenesdebasement]

my evil brain: what if aide does the laundry ""wrong""

me: you weren't going/able to do it at all you dumb fuck!!!

[filenesdebasement]

Trying to wake upppp 👁👁👁👁👁 and also overcome the guilt

[filenesdebasement]

my #1 priority is sleeping for as long as possible. until it suddenly isnt. no one can predict when the switch will happen…. :(

[bodenlosflores]

[ortut]

Julian Hooper 1. Introduction, 2016 2. Inevitable conclusion, 2016 (Acrylic on linen)

[filenesdebasement]

i think there is a lot of rhetoric abt psych meds that conflates or intermixes (1) the fact that psychiatrists either unthinkingly or deliberately prescribe drugs with heavy side effects to sedate 'difficult' patients, to chemically lobotomize, bc they don't know what to do and don't care, bc theyre in the pocket of big pharma, etc; with (2) the incorrect assumption that almost no one would trade severe life-limiting mental disability ("craziness", whatever) for similar level of physical disability* via side effects, or that it's impossible for anyone to make that choice in the current system, or that anyone who does is Just Stupid or Choosing Wrong, idk.

*or like. similarly trade 'insanity' for 'stupidity'. idk how else to phrase this sorry.

[filenesdebasement]

i really don't like having to deal with the push-pull of 'many examples of chronically ill lived experience are often more trustworthy than doctors who are uninformed and make dangerous assumptions abt [x] specific condition/treatment' vs 'the plural of anecdote is not data'

[amphibiousbug]

they should make standing up that doesn’t want to kill you

[haverst]

Bag made using 2 deconstructed 1960’s wooden chairs

source / Haverst

[filenesdebasement]

is that one of the fucking. milk carton sized iced coffee. you know what sure.

[filenesdebasement]

i searched 'head feels like bowling ball' and the internet helpfully informed me that the human head actually does weigh about as much as a bowling ball (8-11 lbs)

[filenesdebasement]

i often act lackadaisical about mystery sleep disease but i am very sad about it esp when it interferes with others’ lives and esp because whenever i honestly answer the PHQ-9 or wtfever they re-bucket it as ‘depression’ that i sometimes physically cant be woken up for days at a time

[filenesdebasement]

experiencing one of the worst Sleep Schedule Events i’ve had in a while