Twizzler

I'm a genuine nerd burger with varying interests who, for the most part, prefers things (any thing really) to people, but sometimes people end up being cool so that works too, I guess.

[filipenduluous-universe]

coming out

I wish you could see the horizon

I see in you

a thousand burning suns

I see how you ache

to be different

to be honest

knowing when you do

that your trust

will be betrayed

you’re just sizing us up

to see

who will be the one

to break you

because you know

nobody can keep

promises for long.

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[filipenduluous-universe]

Dear Uncle

He was a criminal, they say

–   he grew up too young, too fast

–   lost all his chances for wisdom

and couldn’t stop himself

inhaling the smoke of his

homemade cigarettes

while standing on the balcony

in his white undershirt

and they say his wife left the house

with more color on her face

than when she’d gone in

not rainbows either, but strange

hues of purple and blue

and otherwise kind eyes

turn…

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[filipenduluous-universe]

A stranger in a strange place

A stranger in a strange place

She looked at them. These people with their echoing laughter, as though to taunt her. But she was old enough to know that they simply did not care about whether their laughter, their joviality would be taunting or not.

She wanted to be angry, but she didn’t even have the right, it felt like, to be angry with anyone.

There was a gap between how she felt long ago and how she felt now, and it…

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[filipenduluous-universe]

I know

I have to learn to love

all the bad bits

of me

but how?

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[filipenduluous-universe]

can you tell me

can you tell me

how do you pause, reset, and start it all over?

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[filipenduluous-universe]

reflections

is this supposed to be everything

I ever wanted?

I miss so much about you. Where did we

go and how did we

end up here?

Looking through old journals

warnings cover to cover: don’t read

page after page

of a younger self pouring out

I smile at memories, even bad ones

somehow not as bad

through the lens of years

everything seems rose-colored

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[filipenduluous-universe]

teacup woman

shadows around

and in her eyes

as if she’d already spent all

her lives as a ghost

poor exchange for the soul

left behind

like cracked china teacup

aching to hold itself

and its contents whole

crumbling just that little bit more

at each journey

from full to empty

full to empty

at least somebody is satisfied

as she is drained

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[filipenduluous-universe]

out of my world

once the trust has died

so have you.

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[filipenduluous-universe]

when people leave forever

Thinking of the dead is easy. The thoughts come to me unwanted, these little coils of memory. They’re pervasive, the dead. Sometimes they fill up your head and you can’t shake them. Sometimes your dead are all you can think about.

The dead have a power the living lack. With the living, there’s some hope that you’ll get the last word, but with your dead, that’s it, you’ve got no hope of that. You…

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[filipenduluous-universe]

thankful

in this moment

belly exposed

view of memories

lining the wall

my heart is so full right now

as I reflect on

the many seasons I have

travelled

to be here

to feel thankful

here

for life.

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[filipenduluous-universe]

reading old diaries

It makes you grin a little at the words of this fourteen year old girl carrying so much wisdom, years later touching you in a way you couldn’t have imagined.

How did the lessons and convictions of your youth fade away?

It feels like you were always so certain, for a while you knew your path and nothing was obstacle enough to stop you.

Life got to you too, you suppose.

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[filipenduluous-universe]

has life ever felt

this fragile

this thin and wispy

like a mere breath

could extinguish its light?

my hands feel around

looking for weight

looking for the strength to stand still

but all I find

are a few grains of sand

And all around us

is crashing wave after crashing wave

bullying us back

to shore

Has life ever felt

this fleeting?

this alone?

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[filipenduluous-universe]

Please

let me learn

how to breathe

again

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[filipenduluous-universe]

everything is different

close your eyes

and tell me:

what does your heart wish for?

has it changed

in these long, unrelenting days

of waking up

& going to bed

alone?

do you remember

how much you loved

to be touched?

how much you loved

to lie in the grass

dip your toes in the lake

climb tall trees?

as the world comes

crashing down

around us

do you now

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[filipenduluous-universe]

On days like this

We are all just

fallen leaves

subservient to the whims

of this hour’s wind

and this journey

scatters us all

though we may try to reach

for each other

hoping to stay together

a little bit longer

but there is no way

to fight this

fate

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[filipenduluous-universe]

I made a deal with the devil as a child

I asked for freedom

And hoped to be spared

the price

I hoped the years

would make him forget

my promise

But he never forgets

he’s waiting in the wings

to collect

he’s waiting for the right moment

maybe a moment of weakness

to take me away

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[filipenduluous-universe]

I miss

I miss every bit of you

I wish I could go back

And live in those memories

Of just us

But we can’t go back

Time doesn’t work that way

I can flip through

The photographs

But it won’t bring us back

It can’t.

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