I watch films and say words

Some swearing and questionable humour but all meant in good spirit

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Cage Dive 2/10

Some twats go cage diving. Freak wave capsizes their boat and zzzzz. Not tense. Not exciting. Bad acting. Shit all round.

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Fury 8/10

Pure action satisfaction as we ride with the crew of a yank tank in WW2. Set in a time when killing Nazis was actually cool.

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Deep water Horizon 7/10

Oil goes bad.

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Christine 6/10

Stephen King wrote a book about an evil car and they actually made it into a film. An evil car!

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1922 7/10

Slow burner Stephen King weirdness.

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The Triangle 7/10

B Movie Deja Vu headfuck.

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Happy Hunting 7/10

Redneck town hunts people. Bit grim.

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Ghost House 4/10

Some divs go to Thailand and get caught up in some serious supernatural bother. Oh dear. The acting is poor. The script is poor. The jumps aren't scary. The whole film isn't scary but at least you get to see a dude chop his own finger off. High four!

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Don't knock twice 5/10

They did though didn't they? They went and knocked twice, now some demon or whatever is after them. Moderately scary but rather unoriginal horror. Watch if you like people knocking on doors and getting haunted as a result.

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Meet The Blacks 3/10

I don't understand the point of this film. Is it a satire of the purge films? I guess so but it's lacking in satire so just comes across as a really bad version starring a black family. Hilariously called the blacks. You know, because they're black. White people and black people are different. White people can be racist. Ha ha ha ha. Satire. I just really don't get this at all. In fact, everyone involved should be purged. Brilliant.

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Don't Breathe 7.5/10

Break into the house of an old blind army vet. Get the money. Leave Detroit and start a new life. What could go wrong? Well personally I find it easy to commit a burglarization on old blind army vets but I guess this dude has something the others don't. Could he be hiding something? Ooooh I'm not telling you. Ok I will. It's massively fucked up and there's no way you can predict what is coming. Stealing from blind people really shouldn't be this hard and you will never look at a turkey baster the same way again.

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Father of the year 1/10

I don't want to be watching this. Naturally it's an Adam Sandler film which is frequently accompanied by the phrase 'I don't want to be watching this'. Well it's produced by his company, whatever. Haven't laughed once. The only thing that can make this worse is if Adam Sandler suddenly made a cameo. Oh god I hope that doesn't happen. I'm a third of the way through and I hate this so much. I quit.

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Jurassic Park Fallen Kingdom 7/10

It’s not going to win any Oscars but it has dinosaurs and that’s good enough for me. Some of them go rawwwwww and there’s the blue raptor (called blue) from the previous film and it does things you really think are total BS for a raptor to do but who cares it’s Jurassic Park! The plot is totally ridic but then haven’t the last three been the same? They totally have. If you’re a fan you’ll enjoy it but if Jurassic Park doesn’t excite you like a little child then well. fuck you anyway. Raawwwwwwwwww dinosaurs! There’s so going to be another.

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What happened to Monday 7.5/10

Ok so we watched due to a review thay said it was totally ridiculous and I will be honest the premise is indeed totally riduculous. Totally ridiculous being more ridiculous than very ridiculous. So ridiculous. If you like films where a woman plays seven versions of herself then youll love this. If you like dystopian visions of the future based on GM hysteria youll love this. If you like Willem Dafoe chopping off fingers youll love this. I love all of the above so naturally was kinda into this film. It is ridiculous though.

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Anomolisa 8/10

Ok first of all it is an adult film utilising puppets so you know its going to be a bit weird. Weird doesn't come close. A motivational speaker heads to a hotel for a conference and it's clear he's a bit of a cunt. I really dislike him just so you know. The film is original and bizarre and funny and dark and why are puppets performing cunninglingus? Oh well.

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Death note 4/10

Porcupine ghost monster man appears to whoever has control of the death note, a book where you write the name of your victim and the way they die then boom it happens. Sounds like a ridiculous plot and well you'd be right buddy. Very right. For once I'd like a Netflix rating to be accurate, this monumental bogey of a film had close to five stars. Five stars and the best part is seeing a man get his head smashed up with a ladder, I mean I wasn't even horny and that shit turned me on. Piss off. Another lame Netflix horror.

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I don't feel at home in this world anymore 6/10

Some tart gets robbed. Tries to get her stuff back with the kid from free willy. I think she gets her stuff back.