Musings of an Average (transsexual) Woman @finallychelle - Tumblr Blog

Chapelle and Stuff

Transgender comedienne, activist and software developer, Daphne Dorman, committed suicide a few days ago at the age of 44. She's the girl who laughed at Dave Chapelle's trans jokes and ended up becoming friends with him. I know almost nothing about her, yet I'm quite struck by this tragedy. I, too, laughed all the way through Dave's latest and most controversial special. He's an equal-opportunity offender and no one is safe from his wit. And that's the way it should be. Comedians make us laugh by poking at our soft underbellies. In a world that increasingly takes itself more and more seriously he helps us laugh at ourselves. Daphne's death has put the transgendered community back in the news, again, and it seems that the less knowledge people have about the subject the more they feel compelled to write about it. I've been post-op for more than 6 years. The only time I think about being transsexual is when the topic comes up. The rest of the time it doesn't cross my mind. When people say that being transgendered is a mental illness my first thought is, "How many mentally ill 2 year olds are there? Because that's when I knew that something wasn't right." My second thought, however, is, "Even if it were true, who cares? If you can cure a mental illness with a 3 hour surgery then why not do it? If I was mentally ill then I'm proud to say that I've been completely cured for 6 years and counting." My life went from being one of constant torment to one that is, well, kinda boring. I always DREAMED of having a boring life and wouldn't trade it for anything. Boring transgendered people don't make it onto television or into the news, however. The outrageous members of the community are the ones who draw the clicks and headlines and they're the ones that the rest of the population draws their conclusions from. Most of the trans people I know are boring and normal and blend into the world pretty seamlessly. I doubt that this will ever balance out, however, because most trans people don't WANT to stick out. We prefer to blend in and just live our lives. You have to admit that being transgendered IS kind of weird, though. Even I can take a step back and see that it's a bit odd. I am who I am, though, and I'm happy with my life. Nothing that anyone else has to say can or will change that. If Dave Chapelle wants to include the trans community in his jokes then I'll continue laugh right along with him. He's not a mean-spirited guy, so if he wants to joke about the absurdity of humanity, and include trans people in that, then I'm okay with it. And I suspect that the reason I'd never seen nor heard of Daphne Dorman is because she was kinda normal, too. I never knew her, but I think I'm going to miss her. -ramblingchelle

Let’s Talk About Dilating

Yeah, I know I haven't posted in forever, but there's something I wanted to address. I've had several transitioning MTFs tell me that they didn't know if they were going to have GRS because they "didn't want to have to dilate every week for the rest of [their] life." I understand that there are lots of reasons to transition without having gender reassignment surgery. It could be for financial reasons. Perhaps the person has a higher-than-average risk of having a stroke or some other medical reason to avoid going under the knife. It's also possible that, psychologically, the person occupies a spot midway on the gender continuum where surgery isn't appropriate for them. I have a hard time, though, with the idea of not having surgery because it would introduce an additional inconvenience into someone's life. My response, in each case, was that "women live with inconvenience for one week out of every month, for 35 years. Dilating once per week for 5 minutes seems pretty tame, in comparison." I'm 5 years post-surgery and my general observation has been that the average woman's life tends to have more obligations and responsibilities than the average man's life. We could spend hours debating whether that's fair or not but it would be pretty hard to refute that basic premise. If you're MTF and you know that you're all the way at the end of the gender continuum where surgery would be appropriate for you-- but you choose not to, for the sake of convenience-- then I have to admit that I can't wrap my head around that. You can't pick and choose from the life of a woman like you're at the cafeteria. It's not a la carte. You can't take three desserts and leave the vegetables behind. Being a woman is a package deal that includes lots of good and lots of bad. You don't enter the world because it looks more attractive. You do it because it's who you are. Even if there were nothing but negatives you would still do it because there's no way to escape being who you really are. To summarize: I think there are lots and lots of good reasons for MTFs to not have surgery but convenience shouldn't be one of them. Here's another tidbit: I only dilate once per month. I've even gone 6 or 7 weeks. I think 5 minutes per month is a tiny price to pay for getting to live your live authentically. -keepingitrealchelle

I Paid Off My Vajinglejangle, Today!

I guess there's no way to repossess it, now. Technically, I had taken a loan out on my paid-off car so that I'd have enough for the surgery, so it was actually a car loan. I've always referred to it as my vagina loan, though, since that's what the money was for. In any case-- it's all mine, now! -vajinglejangleownerchelle

Bathroom Laws

There are almost 250 bathroom laws either on the books or currently pending legislative passage in the USA. Many contain wording requiring you to use the bathroom that corresponds to the gender listed on your birth certificate. Not your passport or driver's license. Your birth certificate. If you're thinking that these laws are in response to a wave of bathroom attacks by transgendered people on an unsuspecting public you'll be disappointed to know that, to my knowledge, there haven't been any. The are no known such cases. What's particularly unfortunate is that there are quite a few states that do not allow you to change the gender marker on your birth certificate under any circumstances. So if you're from Idaho, Kansas, Ohio, Oklahoma or Tennessee, to name a few, you can have gender reassignment surgery at the age of 18, go to college, get married, adopt kids-- and still be required to use a bathroom that is absolutely inappropriate for you. In fact, you would be considered to be a predator if you didn't. How would you answer your kid when she asks, "Mommy, how come you're using the boy's bathroom instead of coming into the girl's bathroom with me?" There were times, during my transition, when crazy circumstances necessitated that I use the men's bathroom. When I walked in the men would quickly zip up and say, "Ma'am, you're in the wrong bathroom." I would apologize and leave-- and try not to pee in my pants while I waited for another opportunity to go. Peeing isn't supposed to be that hard. Being a predator in the bathroom is already illegal, whether you're trans or not. We don't need extra laws to fix a nonexistent problem. I wish that a progressive state would agree to issue birth certificates to transgendered people who were born in states that don't allow changes to the gender marker. That would fix the problem in a hurry. -fullbladderchelle

Very Confusing

I've been lurking and hearting, for a few days. Unfortunately, about 85% of you have changed your Tumblr names since I was last active on here! Thankfully, a handful of you still have the same names, so I'm not totally lost. It's still very disconcerting, though. I wish there was some secret decoder ring I could buy that would cross reference new names to old names...! -befuddledchelle

Cord Cutter’s Guide to the Universe

If you're one of my Facebook friends then you're well aware of what I've been up to, lately. If you're not and you're interested in saving money without disrupting your life then you should read on!

Annie and I have a fairly modest income. That means that in order to do more fun stuff we needed to find places to save money. Our consumption of technology provided the biggest opportunity. So far we've cut well over $400 in monthly expenses and have given up almost nothing.

Here's what we did:

Television-

First, I installed an antenna. A salesman at a hardware convention gave me several to try because I told him that I was looking for a product that I could recommend to my customers. It turns out that the one that looked least likely to perform ended up being the best antenna. This is it:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00R3HFWNS

It's very compact, comes with a preamp, and installs in minutes. I placed it in the attic, ran a 50 foot RG6 cable (don't use RG59) to the preamp that came with it and that I placed behind the television, then connected the preamp to the television. The higher you can get the antenna the more channels you'll receive. We live in a one story house so ours is installed about 12 feet above the ground.

Even though it's omnidirectional I did find that I was able to perfect the picture by turning it a few degrees at a time until it was just right.

The TV towers are 40 miles north-east and 70 miles south-west. For some reason, pointing it due east gives me perfect reception from both cities-- 26 crystal clear channels, in all. (And we're in a rural area.)

I set up a personalized TV Guide at TitanTV.com so I always know what's on. I've become a huge fan of MeTV, Ion, and The Justice Channel and DVR about 10 shows per day. Since that's far more than I can possibly watch it means that I always have plenty of good stuff recorded on "Chelle-flix".

Cell Phone-

Even though I was grandfathered into the now-extinct unlimited data plan, on Verizon, I wasn't happy because they kept jacking up the price for the privilege. I was paying $229/month for my two Verizon phones with unlimited data and Annie was paying $80 for her T-Mobile phone.

T-Mobile is currently selling their unlimited everything (talk/text/4G) for $50/month and if you pay for 3 plans they'll throw in the 4th for free. We combined with Annie's daughter and are getting 4 unlimited plans for $150/month. That's $37.50/ea. We have very good T-Mobile coverage in our area so it works out great for us.

T-Mobile also has a program called "Binge-On" where they let you stream unlimited amounts of content from the biggest streaming providers like Hulu, Netflix, SlingTV, Amazon Video, etc., and don't count it toward your 14 gig tethering limit (the plan includes unlimited everything but tethered devices get reduced to 2G speed after 14 gigs of tethered data has been used. Your phone continues to enjoy full 4G LTE speeds, though). If none of your streaming is counted against your tethered data then 14 gigs is a tremendous amount of data. I'm a heavy internet user and I'm in no danger of going over the limit.

One other note to travelers-- T-Mobile lets you take your talk/text/data with you to Canada and Mexico. It's just like being at home. And you can roam on low speed 2G data, for free, in 140 other countries. That's a huge convenience and a big money saver for frequent travelers.

Home Network-

Once I had my T-Mobile phone I used this device to tether my wired home network to my cellphone's hotspot:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B006DEBYWU

You simply set it up in "repeater" mode and plug your home router into the Ethernet port on the bottom. Your home network will now connect to the internet through your cellphone. (You techies might ask why I didn't use "bridge" mode, instead, and the answer is because their repeater mode is implemented with a bridge, so it performs both jobs.)

I knew, from experience, that Windows will happily piss through gigs and gigs of data if you let it, so I went into the settings of each laptop and told windows that our home network is a "metered connection." When you do that Windows behaves nicely and doesn't endanger your 14 gig tethering limit.

Home Phone/FAX-

We run our business from our home office and still need to send and receive faxes. We know that there are apps for that but it's still easier to just put stuff in the fax machine, type in the number, hit "send," and forget about it.

We purchased a Magic Jack that only costs $35/year. I had tried them when they first came out and they were awful-- but they've come a long way. We have NO trouble with ours, whatsoever, and it easily handles our faxes and landlines. In fact, it was so good that I canceled the fax line at our store and installed a Magic Jack there, too. It works perfectly.

So our home fax/landline runs through our T-Mobile cellphone, too!

Goodbye, Cable Company-

Since I no longer needed a cable modem, cable TV or a home phone line I had the cable company disconnect us. That saved $140 on top of the $160 we saved on cellphones. We also implemented some related changes at our store that saved a few hundred more dollars per month.

We're talking about some real money, here, folks! It's almost like getting a part time job to pick up some extra income.

We already had Amazon Prime (got it on a special promotion for $79), and we share a Netflix account with Annie's daughter, so we added SlingTV (which is only $14 for T-Mobile customers) and Hulu (the cheapskate $7.99 plan).

Out of all of them I like Hulu the best. Annie likes SlingTV the best.

Everything streams through the T-Mobile cellphone and we never have a problem with buffering or anything. Hulu gives us perfectly sharp, flawless, high definition video. Amazon is about 99% as good as Hulu. Netflix is about 98% as good as Hulu. SlingTV is a little soft (a common complaint from SlingTV customers) and is about 85% as good as Hulu. From what I've read they're working on ways to improve the compression methods and delivery. They're also adding a third ESPN channel, so if you're a sports nut who wants to cut the cord that should make you quite happy.

There are some free streaming apps that I really like, too, and I watch them on my "phablet" phone and cast to the television since they're not part of Binge-On and would count toward my 14 gigs of tethered data. I really like PlutoTV, RabbitTV, MobiTV, and TubiTV, and you can't beat the free price.

Annie and I like to travel quite a bit and, in the past, that meant leaving all our hard-wired technology services behind. Now we can take everything with us!

Between our antenna, DVR, Hulu, Netflix, Amazon, SlingTV, and all the others, we have a ton of viewing options for a fraction of what we were paying!

-frugalchelle

#cordcutting

Happy Vaginaversary to Me!

Three years ago, today, I became whole. A lifetime of anticipation was finally realized.

I don't think I really knew what to expect AFTERWARD. I knew it would be different. I knew it would be better. But I wasn't really sure what *it* would be.

It turns out that it's pretty humdrum-- and that's good. In fact, it's perfect.

I have a very average life. A very average female life. I didn't really care about the various accoutrements of femininity. I'm not awestruck by the opportunity to wear skirts and makeup and fancy underwear. In fact, the only makeup I wear is mascara and eyeliner-- and that's only a few times per week. I rarely wear skirts and I still haven't purchased any fancy underwear.

To me, being a woman is more about how people respond to me and how I fit into the world. Men-- and women-- speak to and interact with men and women in very different ways. In my old life people interacted with me like I was a man-- because that's what the outside looked like-- but my brain was expecting to be interacted with like I was a woman. And my natural responses would be that of a woman-- but my brain would have to intercept them and generate the fake male-like responses that people would be expecting.

Clothes and all the girl stuff are perfectly nice ways of expressing, outwardly, who you are inside-- but they're pretty inconsequential in the overall scheme of things.

Even with no makeup on and wearing sweats strangers still never stumble or stammer when addressing me. I'm completely assimilated into the female world. I don't even think about my male-bodied past. It just seems like I've always been just the way I am, now.

I don't post much here, anymore, because I don't know what to say. I have a regular boring life that doesn't seem interesting enough to write about, here, anymore. Over on Facebook I write about things I've cooked and supermarket sales and camping trips but that seems too trivial to post on Tumblr.

All the transsexual and transitioning stuff feels like I watched it on a movie and it wasn't even really me. I'm sure that sounds strange but it's really just a testimony to how completely I've transitioned into my new existence.

I do have a few posts in mind, however, so you'll probably be seeing me a little more but I almost feel like I've gotten too boring for Tumblr.

The good news is that my life is wonderful and perfect and I wouldn't change a thing!

-couldntbehappierchelle

P.S.-- don't they have a spell checker on here anymore? I have no idea if I misspelled words or not. Oh well!

Facebook is Down

How am I supposed to post a picture of my lunch???

-fretfulchelle

Bluetooth Vibrators

Did you guys know that these things existed? Go ahead and put that on my Christmas list. (Hmmm…, that might actually be a sin. Let me get back to you on that.)

From what I’ve read, they stimulate internally and externally (like many vibrators), they can recharge from your USB port, and you can select from a playlist of vibration programs to suit your mood.

You can control frequency and amplitude as well as what waveforms get used. Oh– and some are even designed so that you can have sex while they’re in place, letting you share the fun.

If you wish, a loved one can connect, through the internet, and control the various functions of the vibrator– opening up a whole new world of phone sex for those of you in long distance relationships.

Admit it– you’re amazed, aren’t you? Surely this isn’t something everyone knew about except me? I wonder if they can add a function that will synchronize it to whatever music you're listening to?

-beingagirlrocks!chelle

This was a tragic situation that could easily happen to anyone. For that reason the police say that there’s only a 50% chance that she will be charged.

The scariest part of this story is that if Ms. Jenner goes to prison it will be to a MEN’S prison. They don’t allow prisoners with male anatomy to be incarcerated in female prisons.

Obviously, this could be a nightmare scenario and Ms. Jenner is far from being the first to potentially be subjected to this.

She’s been ambiguous about whether or not she plans to pursue GRS, but if she is it would behoove her to get it done sooner rather than later.

-concernedaboutthepossibilitieschelle

I'm A Sucker For Alaska-based Reality TV

I’m a pioneer woman, at heart, and totally get lost in those shows.

Unfortunately I heard that there won’t be any additional shows being added– not because the market is saturated– but because they can’t find anyone in Alaska who doesn’t already have a show. ;o)

-lovesthewildernesschelle

A Weird Dream

I don't normally remember my dreams this vividly. If you're bored to death and like analyzing dreams then have at it-- otherwise, feel free to skip it. This dream seemed to occupy about half my night. I was a member of a large church and we were going to be hosting a dignitary-- some very high government official, perhaps a presidential candidate-- and his delegation. All the ladies were asked to bring a covered dish for a mid-day reception, prior to an evening speech to be given by the dignitary. I made a salmon salad in my favorite bowl (I don't ever make salmon salad for pot luck functions) and helped serve on the buffet line. The speaker looked and acted just like Joe Scarborough and his name was even Joe, but he wasn't actually Joe Scarborough. As he worked his way down the buffet line he yelled, "Hey there, Chelle!" and high-fived me and then gave me a hug. In my dream we knew each other through Habitat for Humanity and everyone was shocked that our distinguished guest knew me so well. After awhile I went home and returned, later, for a church board meeting. The meeting was already in progress and when I tried to open the door it was immediately pushed shut, denying entry to me or anyone else who might be trying to enter. I shrugged, saw my favorite bowl with a little bit of salmon salad left in the bottom and the serving spoon still sitting inside, picked it up and headed toward my car to return home. As I was leaving someone said, "Joe just started talking. Aren't you going to hear him speak?" With no strong feelings one way or the other I entered the large hall, headed up to the mezzanine seating and sat in the back row. There were about 800 people packed into the hall. As I sat there holding my dish a couple needed to get by me so I stood up to let them pass. When I sat back down again my bowl and serving spoon were gone. I looked all around my seat and happened to spot it being passed from person to person and it had made it to the farthest seat, located in the corner. I tried not to be disruptive, but I quickly pushed my way down the row in pursuit of my bowl. By the time I got there it was nowhere to be found, however. I then caught a glimpse of it being handed up the back row along the side of the mezzanine and continued to pursue it. Although I was trying my best not to cause a disturbance quite a few people noticed that there was some kind of commotion and glanced in my direction with annoyed expressions. Unfortunately my bowl disappeared again. I then happened to notice it getting passed through a secret door, near the podium on the main floor. Only a few people knew about this secret door, including me, and I was surprised that someone would risk exposing its existence just to snag my favorite bowl. I made my way down to the main level and started to open the secret door. Joe looked at me knowingly and fondly, like this didn't surprise him in the least, and he smirked as he touched my arm for me to stay put. He finished his speech, shortly thereafter, sat down next to me and laughingly asked, "What on earth are you doing?" "Someone stole my favorite bowl." "Was that what I saw going through the secret door?" "Yes. And I'm not too happy." "Don't worry about it," he said. "I have people. They'll find your bowl. Just hang out with me, for awhile." I looked at him, knowingly, and said, "Don't even... I'm not falling for your charms, Joe. There's no way I'm sleeping with you, tonight." (For some reason I wasn't married in my dream.) The next thing I knew I was waking up next to him. He kissed my shoulder, read a text message on his phone, and proudly said, "My people have recovered your bowl." "What happened to the thief," I asked? "You don't wanna know," he said. "They won't be stealing any more bowls, I can assure you of that." And that's when the dog woke me up as he barked by the living room window. Do any of you dream analysts want to take a crack at that one? ;) -musthavebeensomethingiatechelle

This Whole Caitlyn Jenner Thing Is Going To Force Me To Become More Liberal

So here’s the thing– I’m rather conservative. Yes, I know you probably realized that, long ago, but I’m actually going to say it out loud.

While I’m generally liberal on most social issues like marriage equality, anti-discrimination, etc., I tend to be fairly conservative on constitutional and fiscal issues and libertarian-with-a-small-L on foreign policy, civil liberties and privacy.

I believe that the government should only spend what it takes in, I believe that military intervention should always be on the table but should be used very sparingly, and I believe that the constitutional amendments were more than mere suggestions.

I’ve always been a reliable Republican voter because the social issues I believe in seem to have such a tidal wave of support that they’re gradually happening whether Republicans want them to or not. Even the conservative Supreme Court seems to have acknowledged this.

So I vote Republican because I know that fiscal responsibility will not take care of itself and that Democrats can’t be trusted with the nation’s credit card.

Before Caitlyn Jenner came on the scene most Republicans didn’t have to think about or articulate clear cut opinions on trans issues. Maybe they weren’t thrilled about me being in “the club” but no one felt the need to show me the door.

All that has changed, however.

I get my news from a variety of sources, both liberal and conservative. I watch MSNBC every morning and Fox News every night. I read everything from Drudge to Slate, every day.

While I think that the liberal news sources have been a bit over the top in their praise for Ms.Jenner, the conservative websites have been absolutely appalling in their disgust over trans issues. (Surprisingly, Fox News has handled it rather well with most commentators being either mildly supportive or resigned to the inevitability of it all.)

While I have long felt that people are entitled to believe whatever they wish, including on gender issues, it never occurred to me that anyone with a modicum of education and worldly experience could be so vitriolic on the subject.

I, personally, had not encountered this anywhere– even in my small, conservative, Southern, bible thumping town. Sure, there have been a few who said that they don’t understand it or accept it, but it’s usually followed up with, “But it’s none of my business and it doesn’t affect me so do whatever makes you happy.”

Conservative columnists are having a field day, however, and are making it their business and are showing me the door and are kicking me out of the club.

Conservative positions have clearly hardened and it’s obvious that I’m no longer welcome. I’m tired of reading how funny they find it that Ms. Jenner considers herself to be a Christian and a Republican, like that’s somehow impossible.

Well I’ve always considered myself to be those things, too!

I don’t think I could vote for a Democrat, because I couldn’t be a party to the economic ruin that would inevitably befall our country. But I could stay home if the Republican stench was so bad that I couldn’t pull the lever for them, either. (For the record, Republicans are big spenders, too, but at least they recognize that it's a problem that needs fixing.)

Conservatives need to be careful how they play this. They’re on the verge of losing a voter who has voted Republican in every presidential election since she was 18.

If they’re looking to whittle down the rolls of Republican voters, like disposable Facebook friends who dare to disagree, then they’re going to have a rough road to the White House.

-pushedleftchelle

The Good, The Bad and the Heavily Photoshopped

I have a lot of mixed feelings about the whole Caitlyn Jenner thing. Some good has come from it, though, so I’d like to share some of my thoughts.

The Good: Caitlyn is finally getting to where she always needed to get to. It’s wonderful to feel whole and it’s only a matter of time before she’ll coast across the finish line.

The Bad: The rollout just feels so plastic and glitzy, like some packaged Kardashian product, rather than organic and deep and honest. I am SO glad that Annie and I chose not to sign with TLC. I would have hated for our life to be plasticized and packaged for viewers who were hoping to see a freak show. Truthfully I was considering their proposal but Annie said no way and I’m glad she did. We dodged a bullet.

More Good: The whole media circus has become so huge that everyone is almost being forced to form and articulate a position on trans issues– and social pressure is nudging those on the fence to come down on the side of acceptance.

More Bad: Everyone is absolutely fawning over how gorgeous Caitlyn supposedly is and forgetting that magazine portraits– all of them– are Photoshopped almost beyond recognition. Caitlyn’s skin looks younger than my teenage daughter’s. She doesn’t really look like that. I realize that it’s easier for people to accept trans individuals who look convincing in their new gender but I feel like Caitlyn has transitioned from one fake existence to another by “coming out” with a photo that looks nothing like her.

More Good: I’m pleasantly surprised by some people who have expressed their support. There are folks that I would have expected to be negative who have turned out not to be.

More Bad: Some of my friends who don’t know about my male-bodied past have been surprisingly negative, using phrases like “mentally ill,” “will always be a man,” “selfish,” “freaky,” etc. And they’re people I would have expected to be supportive.

There’s a part of me that wishes that Caitlyn, who was born in 1949, didn’t choose a name that didn’t exist before 1980. I’ve long said that trans people should choose names that their parents might have considered when they were born. If she likes Caitlyn, though, then good for her.

I also want to go on record as saying that coming out as trans, in 2015, is not heroic, no matter how many times people say it. Caitlyn, me, and others like us, have had a much easier ride thanks to TRULY heroic people like Renee Richards.

ESPN is giving Caitlyn a courage award, next month, but I sure wish they’d award it to someone who actually blazed the trail for the rest of us. The heroes have already come and gone. The trail is practically a paved road, at this point.

Caitlyn is getting her own show, now, and I pray that it’s not Kardashian-esque, because that will do more harm than good.

I’m sure that there are a lot of people who hoped that I’d lead the Happy Parade but I can’t help but feel turned off by all the hype and hyperbolic praise.

-mixedfeelingschelle

Alright, I Watched It

The Bruce Jenner interview re-aired and since a bajillion people had asked me about it I went ahead and watched.

I honestly don’t have a lot to say. I tried to be empathetic but couldn’t quite get there. I thought that the subject was handled well, I thought Diane Sawyer was respectful, and I’m glad that Bruce is getting lots of emotional support from his family. (Using the pronouns that were used in the interview.)

My only groan came when Bruce showed the little black dress he was going to wear to dinner. I’ve harped on this subject many times– women, whether trans or not– should dress for their age and body type. There are about twelve 65 year old woman in the world who can wear that dress and Bruce isn’t one of them.

There. I said it.

The laughs seemed forced and unnatural and reminded me of the Hillary Clinton impersonator on SNL.

I’m concerned that Bruce wants to “change the world” (his words) and, apparently, reality television wants to help him do that. I don’t think I’m ready to let Bruce be the spokesperson for all things trans. I think he should focus inward and complete his journey before he tries to save the transsexuals.

While we watched the interview, Annie asked, “Are you reliving all your memories?” Oddly, I wasn’t.

Not at all.

Imagine that you ran a full marathon– every aching mile– and you crossed the finish line, drank the Champagne, and followed it up with a margarita-filled beach vacation. You’d be thrilled that you had completed the biggest challenge of your life and would probably be glad that it was all behind you.

Once you drink the Champagne and bring home the trophy the last thing you’d want to do is relive miles 17, and 22 and 24…

Bruce talked about how jealous he is of people who look in the mirror and don’t think about their gender. I used to think the same thing.

But I’m one of those people now. It’s been less than two and a half years and I’m already forgetting what it feels like to be trans. The pain and torture that I felt has largely melted away. In fact, I’m glad I wrote my book prior to the surgery because I don’t think I could have conveyed the emotion that accompanies the journey if I tried to write it, today.

If you have a successful transition and surgery it’s actually not easy to keep feeling trans. You just feel, well, normal, I guess. The only tortured thoughts I have, these days, are about my weight.

I prepped for the marathon long ago, pushed through those 29 long miles, got my vagina trophy, and have been drinking the Champagne of life ever since. Listening to Bruce felt like jumping back into the marathon at mile 20 so I could listen to his story. I tried to get invested but all I could think about was the ice cold Champagne back by my chair.

Bruce is going to have to finish this marathon without me getting invested. Not only was I bored by his story, I’m even bored by my own story. God bless you guys for sticking around. I got much more from y'all than you ever could have gotten from me.

In summary, the Bruce interview was okay. It was fine. I’m happy for Bruce even if the interview was a bit oversold.

As for me, I don’t really have time to be trans. I’m way too busy having fun and living life with my beautiful Annie.

-knowsallineedtoknowaboutbrucechelle

Edit: Annie says that this sounded a little negative. Sorry! MWAH! I'm not negative!

Filling In The Gaps

I had a mammogram, today. It's hard to believe that it's already been two years since the last one. Anyway, when the nurse reviewed my paperwork she said, "You don't ever answer the question about when you had your first period. Could you please tell me how old you were so I can fill it in?" It startled me, for a split second, but I kept an even expressIon and said, "Oh my, that was like a hundred years ago. I was... 13." "Okay, great! Got it. Now let's go to room four." It seems like the world is always getting up in my business when I least expect it. I've had medical personnel ask me when I stopped having periods and if and when I'd ever given birth. You can choose to get into the whole "born in the wrong body" conversation with people you'll never see again or you can opt for expedience, instead, and come up with a narrative that will get you through situations such as these. If you're having a pelvic exam then it would probably behoove you to come clean. If all they're doing is taking pictures of your boobs, however, then it might be more convenient to answer irrelevant questions with information that won't raise any eyebrows. -stillcaughtbysurpriseonrareoccasionschelle

No, I Didn't Watch It

My various email and social media boxes have been collecting notes from people asking what I thought of the Bruce Jenner interview. One of my brothers even just called, saying, “Other than winning the decathlon, his story was exactly the same as yours.”

I didn’t watch it because:

1) I was afraid that with the Kardashian connection it would be handled as entertainment rather than with dignity.

2) I was concerned that Bruce would be unofficially ordained as the de facto Grand Poobah of the trans community and it would have irritated me.

3) I’m a conflict avoider who prefers to steer clear of potential train wrecks.

4) I forgot that it was supposed to be on, tonight, because I never made a mental note to watch it.

5) There was a good Criminal Minds episode on at the same time.

Friends and family have told me that everything was handled respectfully, however, so perhaps I should have watched it. I’m very happy that it was.

As much as I want for trans issues to be destigmatized I just don’t feel comfortable with the Kardashian Clan leading the charge. I guess that’s the bottom line. My brother wants me to stream it, and I suppose I will. I just don’t know why it’s suddenly a front burner topic simply because an athlete from forty years ago has decided to transition.

I just re-read what I’ve written and it sounds uncharacteristically jaded, for me. Shame on me for that. This blog is supposed to be a happy place.

Just know that I’m a little put off by the big buildup and the long drum roll and the final “ta-da.” That’s just a little too Jerry Springer for my taste.

For me, being trans simply describes how I got here. It doesn’t define who I am. I hope that Bruce Jenner can get to that same point, because that’s where happiness and wholeness will be found.

-notusuallyjadedchelle

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