bridge ices before road (24 march 2018)
i can only remember one time that my father was proud of me.
he loved to play his own little trivia game
to test who was as smart or clever as he was.
my sister won all the time.
she knew every piece of pop culture there was to know.
but this one time,
i knew how wind worked.
my father was driving his big white suv with the tan leather interior.
i remember his elated voice
"very good, shelby. thats right!"
i was overjoyed.
i did something worthy of praise--
something i constantly sought.
i cant even remember how many times i saw that look of pride or heard that elated voice
when he was looking at my sister.
when she went to the dance wearing that beautiful emerald dress.
when she graduated
high school in her tacky red gown,
and college in an even cheaper blue one.
and whenever he sees her after weeks away.
i think thats why i try so hard
i think thats why it means so much for me to do
everything i can
whenever i can
to make this family work.
im seeking that look i've never seen.
im yearning for that voice i've only heard once.
i just want to be as good and worthy as that 9 year old girl who knew how wind worked.
