Social Quicksand
I’m finally pulling myself away from the social internet. over the years my dependence on it has waxed and waned but now I’m ready to step out. I have justified these spaces as creative inspiration or ways to stay in touch with friends and distant relatives. What I have gained from the experience is certainly not more than I have lost.
I have worked this year to be more self-aware, and it has not come without some harsh realities, but I have worked to pay attention to my body. When my stress starts to increase, I look at my feelings, the people around me, the triggers. When I’m tired, I look at my food and sleep habits. I’m still not as good at those parts, but I have put some real effort into that emotional awareness.
I have looked into the lives of people from my past for far too long. Though I leave each experience feeling hurt and anxious, I have been unable to look away. I finally took a look at my habits. What brought me to those spaces? I never opened my phone with the intention of hurting my own feelings, but I ended up doing it multiple times each day. I realized the longer I sat on my phone, doing completely unrelated tasks, I found my brain creeping into that space, because I did it every time. It was my body’s natural response to being on my phone.
I have realized that though I have gained inspiration in a few spaces of the social internet, it is not enough to continue comparing myself to the lives of others and being hurt all the time. Not only that, I am constantly evaluating my own thoughts, feelings and creations as unimportant or less than. As I write this I am even tearing myself apart. “Why would anyone read this? You are so uncool. People are going to see that you only do this for attention.” I have a hard time sharing my creativity and passion with the world, and no place is truly safe, especially here. The only reason I even thought to post here was because I have made my presence so invisible that I feel like no one would ready it.
I can find new ways to connect with other artists businesses and friends, I know it. And hopefully I can find little self love along the way.
