adding to the noise

Daniel Hayes ♰ Nineteen ♰ Recruited by Jones

[fkdanielhayes-blog]

Mixed List of One-Liners

"Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?"

"I don't like your clothes, take them off."

"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list."

"Stop making me question my heterosexuality."

"He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise."

"Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014."

"I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"

"If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining."

"I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?"

"You texted all our friends a picture of me with the caption 'I'm going to tap that'."

"I think it's about time you come out of the closet."

"You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning."

"Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me"

"Fair warning, I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week."

"I invited him in for 'coffee', and at an unexpected turn of events we actually had coffee."

"Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak."

[fkdanielhayes-blog]

1, 5, 8, 15, 19

If you could…

1. Travel anywhere, where would it be?

Honestly, going anywhere that isn’t here would be amazing.

5. Get anything for free for the rest of your life what would it be?

Drugs.

15. Be talented at anything instantly what would you choose?

Something that I could do for a living. Maybe earn a shitload of money from it. So, inventing things? Or designing some fancy computer stuff. Or write bad porn literature.

19. Be any weight/body type, which would you choose?

I haven’t really given that much thought. Jamie has a perfect figure but I’m not sure if it’d suit me. I don’t know. Pass.

[fkdanielhayes-blog]

3 4 6 8 9 12 23 25

If you could…

3. Bring anyone dead back to life, who would it be?

Molly. And maybe my mom.

4. Be anyone for a day, who would it be?

Someone rich. Hugh Hefner.

6. Change one thing about your life what would it be?

I don’t know, I feel like most of the things I want to change are connected. Like, if I could change my job, I could maybe also change where I live. So pass.

8. Be any animal for a day which would you be?

A bird or a rhino.

9. Date anyone who would it be?

Jamie Paxton. Barbara Palvin.

12. Eliminate one of your human needs which would you get rid of?

Well, I like food, I like sleeping, I like sex. So nothing at the top of my head.

23. Have any job in the world, which would you choose?

Something I’m good at, that I enjoy doing, that’s legal and can earn me a lot of money. I’m not sure if that exists, though.

25. Have anyone beside you right now, who would it be?

Jamie.

[monstergirlsinc]

Try to seduce my Muse.

Then they will respond and rate you:

Never been less turned on | Ugh no | I’d give you a try | Yes, yes, YES | I’M READY NOW DAMMIT

[fuckyeahsurveys]

If you could...

Travel anywhere, where would it be?

Meet anyone, who would it be?

Bring anyone dead back to life, who would it be?

Be anyone for a day, who would it be?

Get anything for free for the rest of your life what would it be?

Change one thing about your life what would it be?

Have any superpower what would it be?

Be any animal for a day which would you be?

Date anyone who would it be?

Change one thing about the world what would it be?

Live in any fictional universe which would you choose?

Eliminate one of your human needs which would you get rid of?

Change one thing about your physical appearance what would it be?

Change one of your personality traits which would you choose?

Be talented at anything instantly what would you choose?

Forget one event in your life which would you choose?

Erase an event from history (make it so it never happened) which would you choose?

Have any hair/eye/skin color, which would you choose?

Be any weight/body type, which would you choose?

Live in any country/city, where would you choose?

Change one law in your country, which would you change?

Be any height, which would you choose?

Have any job in the world, which would you choose?

Have anything appear in your pocket right now, what would it be?

Have anyone beside you right now, who would it be?

[nsfwjamie-blog]

Jamie had, for the most part, tuned out. He was having a bit of an internal battle with himself, because what the actual fuck was this feeling? He’d never in a million years thought he’d feel this way after someone let slip they loved him. He studied Daniel, his eyes drinking in every inch of him, every little bit. He couldn’t find a single piece of the male in front of him that he didn’t admire, both inside and out. He could see that Daniel was flawed – all humans are – but he even enjoyed those parts of the other because they made him who he was. They built up this personality, his mannerisms, quirks, and Jamie was struggling to think of a single thing he’d want to change. His mind flicked back to the snippets of the night before that he could actually remember – the way Daniel’s voice alone had been enough to soothe him. He’d been peaceful with the idea of dying, that was true, but would he have been as okay about it if he’d been alone? Or if anyone but Daniel had been there? All he’d wanted was this beautiful, idiotic boy standing in his bedroom. And Daniel… it made sense, didn’t it? Why Daniel had been so fucking gentle with him, so caring and had looked so broken over what he’d seen when he looked at Jamie. Everything was falling into place in Jamie’s head, and he’d yet to register the fact tears were streaming down his face and staining the duvet. His muscles screamed in protest, but he forced himself to his feet, slipping off the bed and wobbling slightly as he adjusted. Tentatively he made his way across the room, refusing to look away from Daniel’s face for a moment, even if the other had yet to meet his gaze. Once they were stood toe to toe, Jamie brought one hand up to rest on Daniel’s hip, the other reaching further to cup the younger male’s cheek and titling his head slightly. His legs trembled slightly with the effort of getting on his tiptoes, but he could barely bring himself to care as he pressed his lips against Daniel’s. His cheeks were wet and tear stained, but there was a smile in his eyes as his lids fluttered shut. 

[fkdanielhayes-blog]

This Is How It Ends, I Feel The Chemicals Burn In My Bloodstream —

When Daniel noticed Jamie had got up from the bed and was staggering towards him, his first reaction was to tell him to go back to bed. He clearly wasn't well enough to be up this soon and he needed to listen to his body but Jamie was touching him and kissing him and what had he just been thinking about? He couldn't remember. It probably wasn't that important. Not as important as the fact that Jamie was kissing him and of all the scenarios Daniel could have imagined playing out after his confession, this was probably the least likely. For a brief moment, he froze, felt Jamie's lips against his own as his mind tried to make sense of it all. Was this pity? Did he kiss him because he felt sorry for him, sorry that he had fallen for someone who could never return his feelings? No, Jamie wasn't that cruel, he knew that. The only logical explanation he could think of was that Jamie liked him back but that made even less sense than any of the other alternatives. And yet it explained so much, like why he had been so hurt by Daniel's words.

Kissing him back was instinctive. Like if he had been holding his breath for too long and his body forced him to breathe, needing his lungs filled with air. He tried to convey everything he hadn't said out loud yet in the kiss. 'I'm so happy you're alive'. 'I couldn't stand the thought of losing you.' 'I didn't mean any of the things I said that night, you're amazing, so amazing and I'm sorry for making you think otherwise.' He wasn't exactly sure if a kiss could say that much so he made a mental note to tell him later. Moving his hands up to cup Jamie's face, he could feel tears run down his cheeks and he frowned in concern. Was this his way of saying goodbye? He wiped a stray tear away from his skin and moved toward the bed so Jamie didn't have to use his energy to stand up. He needed it to get better.

[tookthedoctorshand]

“I’m sorry, do you want something?”

[fkdanielhayes-blog]

I’d very much like a car, a proper job, Scooter’s body, as in his dead body, not in a sexual way. And I wouldn’t say no to one of those Iced Caffé Mochas. 

[littlemissbonfamille-deactivate]

“Do ya need somethin’? I’m really not in the mood to talk right now.”

[fkdanielhayes-blog]

Have you noticed how no one is ever in the mood to talk around here? It’s not a complaint or anything, just an observation.

[nsfwjamie-blog]

“Never said I didn’t want to die, just said I wasn’t trying,” Jamie snapped, his anger boiling over. “You… you think that’s what I was trying to do? Oh my god,” he laughed, genuinely laughed with how hilarious that was in his mind. “In my dying moments, you think I’d waste my time being that spiteful? Fucking hell, Daniel. Why would I rub that in your face when I know every word you said was true? I agree with you, so please, explain to me what satisfaction there was to be gained? I never… I never got the chance to apologise to my mum, and she likely died hating me. I just didn’t want to make the same mistake with you,” tears pricked his eyes again, but he was not going to let them fall. He didn’t cry. Jamie didn’t cry, and this whole thing was fucking ludicrous. Love. It took several moments for Jamie’s mind to catch up with the fact Daniel had said the word, and then it took a small eternity for his heart to start beating again – but when it did, it was racing. “The… the people you…” he couldn’t even repeat it, his mind unable to fathom how it could be possible. No one loved him, he’d been sure to make it that way. Love wasn’t safe. But of all the people, why would Daniel love him? His world was spinning and he could barely breathe, but it wasn’t panic. He wasn’t panicking, he was… fuck, he was excited by it. 

[fkdanielhayes-blog]

This Is How It Ends, I Feel The Chemicals Burn In My Bloodstream —

Daniel couldn't think of anything that would make him more upset than he already was but then Jamie went ahead and fucking laughed at him, as if he was a joke. "There was nothing true about it! I was upset and I lashed out but I didn't mean a single word of it and don't bring your mom into this, she loved you so fucking much! She wouldn't want your apologies either, I can sure as hell promise you that." He was so frustrated with Jamie's conception of the people around him that he hadn't noticed what had slipped from his mouth, and wouldn't have if it weren't for the look on Jamie's face. He looked away. Down at his feet. Tried not to panic. He supposed it wasn't all that surprising but he still hadn't admitted it to himself and this wasn't a scenario where he wanted to make the realization. He quickly went through the possible reactions Jamie could have in his mind. Would he find it funny? Would he be angry? Pitying? He needed to say something. Maybe if he kept talking, they could pretend like it hadn't happened. "Yeah so, I just didn't like it and I overreacted and it was stupid but I can't take it back now so..." he shrugged, shifting awkwardly on his feet and wondering if he could slip out unnoticed.

[nsfwjamie-blog]

“The bath is my…” safe place. It was where he always went when he needed some time alone. “I was high on fucking ecstasy, of course the tap was running,” to be fair, he wasn’t sure if Daniel had taken MDMA enough times to know that the most common way to die from it was the fact it made you thirsty, so thirsty that a lot of people flooded their systems without realising it. Usually he was careful, he made sure he didn’t drink too much – but, well, he’d been dying, he’d fucked up. “I just wanted it to stop,” he whispered the words, fiddling with the duvet that was now pooled in his lap. “But I didn’t set out to fucking die. I wouldn’t leave someone to find me like that, to clean up my mess,” it was true, if he did kill himself he’d do it in a way that didn’t affect anyone else, no one having to walk in and find a corpse in the bath. “I have everything to apologise for,” he argued. “Please, don’t treat me like an idiot. You don’t care. You made it perfectly obvious how much you loathe me around the same time you made it clear I was nothing but a fucking whore.” 

[fkdanielhayes-blog]

This Is How It Ends, I Feel The Chemicals Burn In My Bloodstream —

"You didn't plan to die yet you 'wanted it to stop' and chose not to call for help when you realized that you were, in fact, dying. Excuse me if I fail to see how that's supposely so much better." Daniel hated the way Jamie was trying to make excuses for what had happened. He had seen how peaceful he had looked and nothing could make him convince that he hadn't wanted it. "You have nothing to apologize for so don't even try to go there. You trying to rub it in my face that I'd hurt you was fucking painful but I get it, I deserved it. So just, leave it." Daniel knew it was his own words that Jamie used against him but it hurt him to hear the beautiful boy refer to himself as nothing but a whore. For him to think that he could ever loathe him. How could he be so ridiculously blind? "I'm treating you like an idiot because you're acting like one," he snarled, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "I called you that because I was fucking angry, okay? Not because I didn't care. Fuck, that's the whole point! That I care too much. I can't fucking stand seeing anyone take advantage of the people I love!"

[fkdanielhayes-blog]

all of you are so sweet, I feel lucky for being in an rp with such lovely people <3 I’m sorry for my crappy activity recently, I’m just swamped with moving and school and stuff. I’ll get around to being more active and replying to starters soon :)

[fkdanielhayes-blog]

My biggest passion is travelling but I don’t have anyone to travel with considering I have no friends, my sister is scared of flying and my relationship with my mom isn’t very good.

The only friends I do have is a group of people I talk to in school. That group of people have just planned a trip to London together. And they’re talking about it in front of me. Thank you for pointing out how I literally have no people in my life.

[nsfwjamie-blog]

Jamie flinched slightly at the harsh tone, but he clung to it. Anger made him feel stronger, and he was sick of feeling so weak. “I wasn’t— fuck,” he groaned, frustrated at both himself and Daniel by this point. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself, Daniel. I just… it got out of hand,” his voice was quieter, unsure of how to explain that he’d had a mental break without making the entire situation worse. He watched the younger walking, his heart sinking as he noticed him getting redressed – he was leaving, and Jamie should have been prepared for that. It still hurt. “Don’t patronize me, I know exactly what I’m saying. I was calling to apologise for everything. For all the things that made you hate me,” there was no point holding back now, was there? Daniel was about to walk out of his life for good, so he may as well be honest. His heart stuttered in his chest as he noticed what shirt the other was grabbing, embarrassment flooding his system and he found himself unable to hold the younger’s gaze. Instead he looked down at the duvet, not sure how he could explain why he’d been sleeping in Daniel’s shirt without betraying himself. “You still haven’t answered my question… why did you save me? I remember bits– and you… you acted like you fucking cared, and I don’t understand it.”

[fkdanielhayes-blog]

This Is How It Ends, I Feel The Chemicals Burn In My Bloodstream —

Daniel huffed at Jamie's explanation and sat down on one of the other beds to put his socks on. "Right, yeah, whenever I feel like a bit of a party, I usually go sit in the bath with the water running and down a glass of pills." His voice was heavy with sarcasm but Jamie made it sound like it was an accident and if that was the case, why had he not called for help? He was about to stand up to get his shoes when Jamie mentioned apologizing again and Daniel grew even angrier than he had been. On Jamie or himself, he wasn't sure. "Fuck that. You have nothing to apologize to me for." He looked up to glare at him but didn't find him looking back. Was this Daniel's cue to apologize? He had a feeling his apology wasn't wanted, though, that it wouldn't make a difference and he didn't want to put himself out there, make himself vulnerable only for Jamie to still want him gone. "Because I do care, idiot," he sneered, now the one to look away from Jamie and occupying himself with getting his shoes.

[nsfwjamie-blog]

“I’m… I’m fine,” Jamie insisted, which was of course a lie. He wasn’t sure his head had ever hurt this bad before in his entire life, but that wasn’t important right now. He needed to… he didn’t even know, but he needed to do something. Last night had been fucked up on all sorts of levels, and – “Why?” he turned his blue gaze on Daniel, the question making his chest throb painfully. “Fuck, why did you save me?” he withheld the fact he hadn’t been intentionally trying to die for a moment – that wasn’t of any significance. He needed to understand, because right now it made less sense than anything else in his fucked up mess of an existence. “You could have just–… I was so close, why didn’t you just let me die? Why did you even come over in the first place? I wasn’t… I wasn’t calling for help –” mostly because he hadn’t realised he’d overdosed by that point. “I just wanted the chance to apologise before it was too late,” at least no tears were coming this time, which was comfortingly familiar. “You could have been free of me,” I could have been free of myself, he didn’t need to say the words out loud, they hung heavily enough in the air. 

[fkdanielhayes-blog]

This Is How It Ends, I Feel The Chemicals Burn In My Bloodstream —

There was the question that Daniel had known was coming but he still wasn't prepared for how much it hurt to hear him ask it. "I'm terribly sorry if me saving you were inconvenient," he snapped, anger building in his body as a defense mechanism. It was easier than breaking down, better. "Maybe next time you try to kill yourself, don't call me and I won't have the chance to sabotage your plans." He stood up, needing to do something, anything but just sit there. He walked over to his jeans which were still damp but pulled them on nonetheless. He rolled his eyes as Jamie started to say he hadn't called for help- he had gathered that much. An apology was the last reason Daniel believed he would have called him for though and he looked up at him dumbfoundedly. "You're still fucked up from the drugs you took last night," he concluded, the only likely explanation coming to mind. "Of course you didn't call me to apologize." He shook his head and was about to pull on his shirt when he remembered that he had a dry one at hands. It was his, after all, he had every right to take it. He walked back over to the bed and took the shirt from the bed, pulling it on while trying not to get distracted by the fact that the fabric smelled like Jamie.

[nsfwjamie-blog]

Jamie had no concept of time passing, of his surroundings or what was happening during the time he slept. Though Daniel had successfully forced the majority of the drugs out of Jamie’s body, some had been absorbed – a higher dose than even he was used to. And on top of that, he’d been through a physically and emotionally traumatic time; it had taken it’s toll, and his body was crying out for the rest. Coming around was a far harder task than usual. Instead of waking up feeling hungover, he awoke slowly, feeling vaguely drunk. His tongue felt like sandpaper, dehydrated and swollen in his mouth as he tried to force it into action before his eyes had even succeeded in opening. He could feel a warmth wrapped around him, a body, and instantly he thought of Daniel. “Dan…” his lids fluttered slowly, the dim light of the room painful to his tender eyes. “Dan–…Dan…”  he’d yet to fully recall the events leading up to them being here, in this position. His mind had all but tricked him into thinking he was waking up after one of their hook ups. He knew something was off, though – he knew his body well enough to know something wasn’t right with this situation. “DanDan?” he was finally successful in croaking out the old nickname, feeling foreign as it rolled off his tongue due to lack of use. He rolled over slowly, his vision swimming as he tucked himself in closer to Daniel’s chest. It was there, in the cradle of his arms that memories came flooding back. The shock was enough to have him shooting up into a sitting position, as though he’d been doused with cold water. “Fuck… fucking fuck fuck fuck!” he ran his hands through his hair and over his face, head throbbing as he continued to let out a plethora of curse words. 

[fkdanielhayes-blog]

This Is How It Ends, I Feel The Chemicals Burn In My Bloodstream —

Once Jamie started to stir, Daniel had no idea if two or twenty hours had passed. The night had been both too long and too short. He had wanted it to end but now that Jamie was waking up, he wanted him to keep sleeping, to avoid the unavoidable confrontation for just a bit longer. It was like a punch to his gut, hearing Jamie call him his old nickname. He hadn't heard it for over ten years and to hear it now, after everything that had happened, it made him long for a simpler time more than ever. If he could go back, he could do so many things differently. Make so many people's lives better. Caught up in memories that he hadn't let himself think of in years, he was caught off guard when Jamie sat up with a sudden movement. He felt a pang shoot through his body at thinking that Jamie might be cursing because he was disappointed about waking up. Being alive. "Jamie," he sighed, sitting up beside him. "You need to lay back down, okay? If you need anything, water or food or whatever, I can get it for you. You need to rest."

[nsfwjamie-blog]

Jamie’s brows cinched together as he felt the mattress dipping beside him, his confusion growing as he felt Daniel’s arms snaking around him. It didn’t make sense. But he was too tired of fighting, and he just wanted to believe. Just for a few moments, he wanted to believe someone actually cared. He didn’t have the energy to roll over and face Daniel, so instead he curled a little closer to the younger and let himself relax into the embrace. The warmth was comforting, it eased his aches and pains; both physical and some of the emotional ones, too. His eyes remained shut and he could feel the pull of unconsciousness taking over – he knew this sleep would be finite, but still he welcomed it. It took only a handful of moments for the rest of his tense muscles to go slack, and for the boy to lose himself in a world of dreams in a quest to find peace there, if only for a few hours. 

[fkdanielhayes-blog]

This Is How It Ends, I Feel The Chemicals Burn In My Bloodstream —

Daniel wasn't going to sleep. Even if he could have, he had decided not to. He needed to stay awake to keep an eye on Jamie, make sure his state didn't deteriorate or that he woke up and decided to finish what he'd started. He alternated between closing and opening his eyes. Closing them when the reality of the situation hit him too hard and opening them when pictures of Jamie in the bath came flooding back in his head. If he hadn't been wide awake, he most likely wouldn't have noticed it. He had moved one of his hands up to the pillow, restless, trying to find an impossible peace when he felt it. He pulled the fabric out from beneath the pillow and was about to throw it absentmindedly on the floor when he froze. He checked it several times, even the size to make sure. Of course it made sense for his t-shirt to be here considering he had last worn it in this room and had looked for it since. What didn't make sense is why it was under the pillow, obviously having been used. If this was supposed to be another piece to the puzzle of understanding Jamie, then it only made it that much harder to do. The shirt implied that he had, what, cared about Daniel? No, that was too far a stretch. But he had meant... something. And then he had screwed it up, at the party. A single, betraying tear ran down his skin at the realization. Jamie had wanted Daniel to be a part of his life again. Maybe not to the extent that he had wanted himself but it was still plenty of reason for him to understand why Jamie hated him. The phone call had still hurt. The idea that he would call him just to taunt him. To make him feel guilty. He might as well have said 'you did this to me'. It was too much. The guilt, the anger, the disgust with himself. He tightened his hold on Jamie, focusing on the feeling of his skin. Right now, taking care of this boy was the only thing stopping Daniel from going down the path that Jamie had attempted. He couldn't breathe. His heart was pounding too fast, too loud. His chest hurt. Crawling carefully out of bed, he walked over to the discarded clothes and fumbled through the pockets in his jeans. Finding a small plastic bag, he swallowed a pill dryly and then another. It would take some time before the effect kicked in but he knew it would be enough to make it through the night. He went back to the bed, curled up to Jamie and waited. Waited for the sun to rise, for Jamie to wake up, for everything he cared about to fall apart.

[nsfwjamie-blog]

Jamie felt oddly self conscious, being naked around Daniel. There was a small voice in the back of his mind, reminding him exactly why he no longer felt comfortable. He’d finally started to believe Daniel found him attractive – had believed all the lies Daniel had told about how he looked. And now he knew that the younger hadn’t meant any of them, that he saw him as nothing but a dirty little slut. The one person who Jamie had thought saw him as more than just a fuck had ended up being the person who actually thought he was a filthy whore and only good for a fuck. He let out a quiet sob, managing to raise his hand to his mouth as he tried to hide his expression in shame. Why now? Why were the tears coming now, when they hadn’t for so fucking long? He wanted them to stop. He wanted everything to fucking stop. He curled into himself at Daniel’s words, on his side so that the tears stained his pillows instead of his cheeks. He was expecting the younger to get up and leave, so he squeezed his eyes shut in the hopes of not having to watch him go. 

[fkdanielhayes-blog]

This Is How It Ends, I Feel The Chemicals Burn In My Bloodstream —

Daniel focused on removing his clothes, pulling off his wet shirt, his jeans, his socks. He couldn't handle looking at Jamie, couldn't handle seeing him in so much pain knowing that he was the cause. Even just the quiet sounds escaping him, cut all the way to Daniel's bones, made his throat constrict to the point where he had to remind himself to breathe. Had he been selfish for saving him? Maybe but he had always been selfish. Jamie deserved so much better than him. Once the morning came and he kicked Daniel out, he couldn't even argue. He looked down at his underwear, deciding to borrow a pair from Jamie. Throwing all their wet clothes into a corner, he crawled into bed and laid down next to the older boy. He hesitated for a moment before moving closer and draping his arm across Jamie's torso. For warmth, he told himself. And maybe for himself. For needing to imagine that they were just two kids who cared about each other one last time.