hello there. My name is Sam. I'm a stupid film fanatic, lover of the aesthetic, bisexual, eastern European woman. I'm 20 at the time I am typing this.
I am a huge loser who is obsessed with getting appreciated. I love attention, which is one if the reasons I dress weird and wear cool makeup and shave off my eyebrows or dye my hair some extra colour. I am a hippie-punk hybrid. which means I want peace and I want to fight.
my style though is more alternative then anything, but sometimes I end up looking like the ordinary person, which is great as well.
my love life is sad. I don't date, not that I don't want to date, it's more that no one wants a broken doll. I'm also not that attractive.
I have family issues, meaning i don't necessary have daddy issues, or that I have mommy issues. I have both, beat that.
my dad was a drunk, who never wanted me, used to ignore me and one time I saw him... assaulting my mom. in a sexual way. I was young at the time, around 9, but I still knew it was wrong. I tried to help my mom but my dad started yelling at me saying that "this is his house, and this is his wife so he can do what he wants with her". my mom was clearly not okay, but my brothers took me into their room, turned on a video game and tried to make me forget what I just witnessed.
my mom on the other hand is a very sensitive being, however she is not the most innocent one in our family. she has told me a few times that she doesn't love me. and when I confront her about that she just says that I'm making it all up. which is what she does always. she will never admit she is wrong. she thinks that she is the wisest person in the family. she is materialistic, however she will never admit to that. she doesn't care about other people's feelings, she only cares about herself. she used to throw away my stuff without asking me, because she didn't like it, but a lot of times those were things that meant me something.
my parents are divorced and I am the reason. my mom even told me that their relationship started falling apart when she got pregnant with me. they divorced on my 6th birthday. because of the divorce my brother hated me during his teenage years, so much so that I used to be scared of him, and we never had a normal relationship. he did apologise countless times, and I always told him that it's okay. but he still doesn't believe that I forgave him. I did.
but now things are a bit different. my dad changed. in the past 4 years he changed so much, I can't believe he once was the way that he was. he is genuinely interested in my hobbies and my dreams, we have normal conversations. when my mom used to get drunk and I would cry he would come into my room, hug me and try to calm me down while my mom would make fun of me for crying.
now my mom, she did change a bit. she doesn't drink as much, and she seems to at least try to understand me. we still fight over and over again. but now we make up and move on.
after reading this you might think "wow she must hate her family"
I love them so much. I moved out recently and i miss them nearly every day.
this might be some sort of Stockholm syndrome, but I can't go around saying that my family is awful.
yes we are not... perfect. but no family is. they never apologized for anything but I still forgive them.
my mom actually until this day does not understand that divorce affects the kids extremely. she says that's it's her and dads own private business.
now because of the way I was brought up, I never believed in love. at one point I tried to convince myself and everyone around me that it exists, but that's just because I love the idea of love.
I never saw it, and whenever I felt it, I got scared and ran away from it. I distance myself from people I love cause I don't know what to do with love.
this is a dark first blog post wow haha. but yeah, this is me.
prguitarman
snowghoul
pixelskylines
titsay
