It's so FLUFFY! @flowlingual - Tumblr Blog

Not doing okay. People care but they can’t help in the ways i need, which often feels like me forever turning down this i don’t need and explaining that I’m grateful regardless.

I’m not okay. I’m trying.

This world is too hard and I want to lay softly in your arms.

But it’s a lie. You’d rather have anyone else. 🤮

I am too visible, perceivable… blegh.

petaltexturedskies

Ingeborg Bachmann, from "Eyes to Wonder" in Three Paths to the Lake

I used to be much better at this on my old Nokia brick. FUCK i miss that phone.

#tumblr snek #nokia #brick

I keep telling people I don’t want to unalive myself and I don’t, but could I please get some real help, PLEASE?! Stop asking me if I want to die and actually help me please! Fucking fuck fuck.

#🦆

I always tell people to ask for help and they should and I should keep asking for help.

But i want to give up because I am and as I’m not getting any. It’s so frustrating. People tell you to reach out but then you do and they’re like oh I have no idea what to do.

Well fuck me neither.

I just read something that your best is what you can accomplish without hurting yourself physically, mentally, or emotionally… and in that case I will be in the bed for the rest of forever. Because I can’t function anymore. I don’t know how under these circumstances without hurting myself and the sad thing is, is that no one cares even though they’re all standing around saying they do.

Saying you care is nice and all but in reality it does Jack shit nothing.

I’m so exhausted.

etchif

Isn't it fucking insane that so many people think that IQs are real. Like people genuinely believe you are born with one set level of intelligence that can be measured on a scale from 1 to ~200. As if intelligence wasn't extremely nuanced and completely subjective. And the fact that the majority of scientists that have advocated for IQ tests in the past have been eugenicists doesn't seem to concern anyone either

museenkuss

November. rain glittering in wind-swept hair. caramel. stacks of unread books. leather and vanilla. oat milk chai latte. battered notebooks, handwritten notes. matching umbrella and scarf. chess tutorials on youtube. baby pink and warm brown. the endless search for a good winter coat. fresh baguette with chestnut spread. Ultraviolence on repeat.

flowlingual

Maybe if I pretend like I’m someone else… it will come true.

I am not doing okay in a loop of being blamed for someone’s problems and being told about their violent fantasies about me. This person days it is scaring them too and is trying to work on it. However, i don’t have the best support system here. I don’t even know who i can reach out to and there is fear they will report him, which might men either him going to the hospital where he says the loss of income will mean losing his home or that if they didn’t make him go he would be so angry at me for trying to get him help because it might result in that that he might get angrier.

I’ve been going through this for years and I’m so tired and i want real friends. People who just know me will enough that I don’t have to ask them for help, they offer it and know some of how i think so they have some idea of what to offer even. How did I end up with no people? My pele até pele who want me dead because I’m disabled.

Been crying all day because the person you love thinking all of their problems are your fault and threatening you is super traumatic.

Somebody told me they want to kill me today.

And i can’t report it because if they lose income from being in the hospital they might lose their home, which would obviously not be ok, but also would make them even more angry at me. So….

I’m really not okay. I wish I had anyone who genuinely gave a duck in my life.