FEARLESS

And I guess, part of life is letting go of what no longer belongs to you.

[foreverfearlessf]

Did I misread completely, every single touch?

This time feels for real. This time really feels like the end. And I hate the wondering and the what-ifs. It was never me. Although it sometimes felt like you knew it was us. And I want to cry, but all I feel is uncanny. I've been here before, I've sat with this feeling before. It's not unknown. Hoping I will run into you on the street, wishing to see you in every corner I turn. And I know you don't miss me, but I am secretly hoping you do. And I regret my weak moments. I regret when I remember I loved you and want to feel you back into my life. This time I won't call, and pray I will no longer wait. Wait for you to realize I am the one waiting to feel chosen by you. And I guess it all goes back to you seeing me, wanting me, knowing me. You showed me things I didn't even know I could feel. And I loved you. Like no one ever will, like no one ever has. I would've done anything for you, even loving you more than myself. You took me to the skies and let me fall, now knowing if you were gonna be down to catch me. I risked myself every single time, just to feel the clouds one more time. And I can't believe I'm back here again. Missing like I did back when I was 17. I've seen all the terribles yous, I've seen the darkest of you and never wanted to back down. I was always expecting something from you. A touch, a word, a glance, something that would tell me you're still mine. I always thought that at this age we would've found our way back together. Grown, matured. I thought at this age it would've worked out. But you didn't choose me and all my insecurities are screaming and staring back at me. And I don't feel enough, because I wasn't enough. You were the star of all the stories I pictured in my head but I guess the series will not have a happy end. This time I need to choose myself. And I thank you, for showing the greatest love there will ever be, for choosing me, for always coming back to me, for making our love story one of the great ones. Because all those happy moments will always stay with me. I will always carry your memory with me. Because I see you everywhere, even when I haven't felt in love with you. You are always there. And deep down, I'm hoping this time you will pull me back. I'm hoping you will do anything to show me you still care. I still come first. Searching for a crumb of your love. All this because I think I won't feel like this again. I won't find you again.

[foreverfearlessf]

CLOSE UP

I don't know if you'll call me again Chasing rabbits don't usually end With happy ever after

[foreverfearlessf]

T H A N K F U L

For everything. The ups, the downs. The battles, the scars. The stops, the destination. The trip, the journey. The left behind and the new to come. The tortuous loves and the healthy loves. The love of my life and the loss of my life. The back and the forth. The wins and loses. The game and the final score. The mistakes and lessons learned. The old and new parts of myself.

Everything had to fall apart to get here. To be here. To stay here. And I miss him to death but my dreams were bigger than him. And I was drowning, waiting, hoping, for him. Every penny tossed in the fountain, every shooting star, every birthday wish and christmas present, I always wished for you. All of me was you. All of me ached for you. All of me hoped for you. All of me loved you. And I guess that's the price you pay for meeting the love of your life so early in life. I guess that's the price you pay for knowing this type of love. Because I may never feel like this again, I may never love like this again. And the what-ifs will haunt me for the rest of my life. And I will watch you have the life I had hoped for us with someone else. And a little boy will have your eyes, except he will only be yours and not mine. And I will wonder why I wasn't enough. And I will wonder why it was never me.

[foreverfearlessf]

Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven

[foreverfearlessf]

Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire Chains around my demons, wool to brave the seasons One single thread of gold tied me to you...

[columbusswift]

he had a friendship bracelet and a dream

[foreverfearlessf]

Peter as him

Forgive me, Peter, my lost fearless leader in closets like cedar, preserved from when we were just kids.

The goddess of timing once found us beguiling she said she was trying, Peter, was she lying? My ribs get the feeling she did.

And I didn't wanna come down, I thought it was just goodbye for now

You said you were gonna grow up, then you were gonna come find me, words from the mouths of babes, promises oceans deep but never to keep.

Are you still a mind-reader, a natural scene-stealer?

I've heard great things, Peter, but life was always easier on you than it was on me.

And sometimes it gets me, when crossing your jet stream we both did the best we could do underneath the same moon, in different galaxies

And I didn't wanna hang around.

And I won't confess that I waited, but I let the lamp burn.

As the men masqueraded, I hoped you'd return with your feet on the ground, tell me all that you'd learned.

'Cause love's never lost when perspective is earned.

And you said you'd come and get me, but you were 25 and the shelf life of those fantasies has expired.

Lost to the Lost Boys chapter of your life.

Forgive me, Peter, please know that I tried to hold on to the days when you were mine.

But the woman who sits by the window has turned out the light.

[foreverfearlessf]

How did it end? as him

I was a hothouse flower to his outdoorsman.

And so a touch that was my birthright became foreign.

Come one, come all, it's happenin' again.

The empathetic hunger descends. We'll tell no one except all of our friends. We must know how did it end?

We learned the right steps to different dances and fell victim to interlopers' glances.

Lost the game of chance, what are the chances?

Soon they'll go home to their husbands smug 'cause they know they can trust him then feverishly calling their cousins-

Guess who we ran into at the shops? Walking in circles like she was lost. Didn't you hear? They called it all off, one gasp and then, How did it end?

My beloved ghost and me, sitting in a tree, D-Y-I-N-G

It's happenin' again How did it end?

I can't pretend like I understand How did it end?

[foreverfearlessf]

Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus as him

As the decade would play us for fools and you saw my bones out with somebody new .

You needed me but you needed drugs more and I couldn't watch it happen.

I changed into goddesses, villains and fools. Changed plans and lovers and outfits and rules al to outrun my desertion of you and you just watched it.

If the glint in my eye traced the depths of your sigh down that passage in time back to the moment I crashed into you, like so many wrecks do, Too impaired by my youth to know what to do.

So if I sell my apartment and you have some kids with an internet starlet, will that make your memory fade from this scarlet maroon like it never happened?

Could it be enough to just float in your orbit? Can we watch our phantoms like watching wild horses? Cooler in theory but not if you force it to be, it just didn't happen.

So if you want to break my cold, cold heart say you loved me and if you want to tear my world apart say you'll always wonder, cause I wonder.

Will I always Will I always wonder?

[foreverfearlessf]

D-B

When I imagine life with him I like what I see. I see a man taking care and providing for his family. I see us living in a nice apartment here. Going to the supermarket on Sundays. I see us going to church after. I see beautiful kids. I see a life apart from my family and my roots and the ways I was raised. I see myself feeling like something is missing. I trust him but I am not sure if I'll ever show him my true self. I see him loving the most. I see an adult relationship. I see me craving other man. I see me having the perfect life every girl wants. I see us travelling the world. Always working on myself to measure up to him because I'm a mess and he is complete and grounded. I see me not feeling sparks and a rush everytime we touch but he feels nice and stable. I see me teaching him what I want and him not giving me what I didn't even know I wanted. I see my friends and family in awe of him. I see a happy, nice and stable life but never fully complete. I see myslef waiting for the spark and magnetism. I see him haunting my what-ifs. Always trying to compete with him to show him that I've got a better and real man. I see myself trying to make him perfect. I see me trying to convince myself that I can love him as much as I used to love J. I see a lonely life but at least everything is picture perfect.

[foreverfearlessf]

J

When I imagine life with him I see a house in my home town. I see breakfasts with the other ladies, hosting dinners and having to keep up with appearances. I see myself wondering if I'm enough or scared every day of a love affair. I see our kids going to our same school, where we fell in love. I've always loved him and probably always will. I see us fighting over stupid things but always coming back to each other. I see us creating our own world, making forts under covers in a bedroom with windows boarded up. I ground him, I center him. His love is what keeps me alive. Because this feeling is all I ever wanted. But I'll never really truly be myself beacause he will make me feel like I have to always work in us. I see kids, vacations, travelling with friends. A house in his neighbourhood. I see me growing old with my family, I see us going to family events on the weekend, road trips nearby. Going back to work to the university. Living comfortable but knowing we can't overspend, always having to watch our finances for him. I see me sitting at the party table while he is making a mess and puting up a show. I see me waiting to take him home. I see me not wondering what if and no longer looking for something else, but deep down I know I've settled for this suburban wife life and the tiniest hint of resentment starts to show, probably wondering how my life would've been with the better match. They see me suffer but also the happiest I've ever been. I am not in peace but I am alive.

[foreverfearlessf]

All I want is love. Real, honest, pure love. Can’t live without each other. Will do anything for you. Stares. Feels. Intensity. Connection. Mind reading. Anticipating needs. Trustworthy. Respectful. Powerful. Soul mates. No lies. No games. No schemes. Truth. Commitment. Familiar. Closeness. Know each other. Passionate. Can’t let go of.

All that you’re not.

All that I wanted you to be.

[foreverfearlessf]

Slowly but surely I will start to live my life again. Until it’s like you were never here. Until every piece of you is gone. Because I deserve love. True love. Everybody deeply inside, all they want is love. If only. A changed man. And you can’t definitely change a man like you. Even when I want go give you all. Give you a child. Even when I’ll never be completely comfortable with you. Stop dragging me around. Even if I feel dead inside. Even if when you’re gone you will take the life of me. Even when all I look for is a glance, a touch to feel alive. To come back to life.

[foreverfearlessf]

Heard the album that just came out. I said to someone I was up all night listening to it and they asked if you crossed my mind. I met someone and today I almost told him your name. I guess this are the things that happen when the greatest most complicated story this town has ever seen is starting to drift away. It’s been 10 years of you being my Christmas wish. It’s been 8 years of you being my let go resolution on new year’s eve. On December I said I wasn’t gonna pressure myself to let you go this new year, just to end up kissing you in the middle of the club the first week of the year. And it’s been years of secret moments in crowded rooms, and it’s been years of playing the same game, and it’s been years of you always wanting to win, because when I did I was filled with guilt. Now that I’m older and hopefully a bit wiser, I would rather lose the game. Because the years I lost being dragged and hooked are never gonna be lived again. And you’re doing the bare minimum, just enough to keep me hanging on. I no longer know if what I feel is love or if I just don’t know how to be without you. I talked about you and life sent me some signals, I thought about you and convinced myself that I’m in love with you. I can recall everything that happened during this time, all the screaming and fighting, all the loving and touching. I loved you so much I cried myself to sleep. You hurted so much I cried myself to sleep. And they will never understand, they will never know how much we have built in our own boarded up world. Because when we were talking and I stopped to look around if anyone noticed, the only eyes I met were yours. Because when you thanked me for being born, the only eyes I met were yours. Because when you hugged me and kissed me on the dance floor the only eyes I met were yours. Because when we were walking with our hands intertwined and stopped to look around, the only eyes I met were yours. Because you showed me a world only with you exists. Because you showed how to talk with no words. Because you’re the only one I’ve ever really loved and now that I want to walk away I don’t know how to break freed I can’t keep doing this, and you don’t know how to let me go. I can’t keep chasing this, and you don’t know how to live without me, I’d like to think. So, so long lover, I’ve decided to go my own way.

[foreverfearlessf]

I’m wearing your shirt, the one you asked me to throw in the trash. But I couldn’t let it go. You showed me it’s okay to be myself, you showed me places I’d never been to and people I never would’ve talked to, you showed me how to really live. And I guess at one point my confusion got to me but now that I can see clear, I know why you came to my life. Moments in crowded rooms, touches here and there, fighting and meeting families, we we were never really gonna be real. And maybe you had to be there, to teach me what I want and what I won’t stand. Memories come back to me, memories of you playing board games with my mother, of you chatting with my sister and how you held me every single time. You fought for me and I knew you cared about me. Maybe it was complicated because of all the pain and loneliness you’ve experienced throughout your whole life, maybe it was complicated because of all the unhealing and scars I’ve experienced throughout my whole life. It was fun while it lasted, it was fun getting drunk in the back of restaurants, it was fun you entering my life, it was fun caring for you.

[foreverfearlessf]

[showedmecolors]

you had to kill me, but it killed you just the same.