Forever Loved, Forever Missed

The grief journey of a girl who lost her true love, James on the 22 Dec 2013. He was hit off his bike by a DUI driver. Five years just wasn't long enough. I miss you. http://johnrapley.wix.com/jamesrapleymemorial

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A few things you need to know about grief

I love this... taken from One Fit Widow on Facebook who I follow and is very empowering.

"A few things you need to know...

#1 - Grief changes who you are FOREVER.

#2 - The fact that you are changed can be extremely positive once you get past the worst of your grief. You are enlightened, and that is wonderful.

#3 - You never get over your loss. You absorb it, and it becomes part of who you are.

#4 - People will give you timeframes - you will tell them to stuff their timelines (nicely if possible). :-)

#5 - Fitness can be a lifeline and lifesaver if you allow it to be.

#6 - No perfect roadmap fits all people.

#7 - Some people will leave your life because they can't handle your pain or how you change. Allow them to go.

#8 - Tell your story - you may empower yourself and others.

#9 - Don't judge your process. Others may judge you but don't you dare do it to yourself.

#10 - You can live again after loss. You are allowed to be happy, full of life, joy and peace and many times all those good things are mixed with touches of pain...welcome to the club. This makes you normal, and it makes you a beautiful soul.

Goodnight world,

Michelle ❤️"

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Four years without you James. Honoring you today with trying the best burger in Chicago, cooking your famous roast pork, an act of kindness and now sitting down to watch your favourite movie, The Dark Knight Rises. You are missed by many #foreverlovedforevermissed

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Surprisingly while most Christmas things have made me sad this year, the first year since James death that I've been in Chicago for Xmas, I have been drawn to wanting a real tree. So I got one and we decorated it and it has made me happy having it all set up in our living room :)

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Tina got a life-shattering call in Target. She'll always remember a stranger's response.

"Did I wave my thanks as you drove off?"

This brings me back to that day I got the call. How I was devastated, beside myself and kicked out of a cab because I was crying too much, but then when I was crying lost on the side of the road, a woman stopped me and asked if I was OK. I told her about what had just happened and she asked if she could give me a hug. That hug saved me. She and her husband then stopped others on the street and they all helped me to stop a cab and get me on my way. The kindness of strangers is astounding sometimes.

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Things that make my eyes well up with tears

- The twinkle lights in the streets for Christmas

- The cold air across my cheeks

- Almost a month before the 4 year anniversary

- First time I'll be in Chicago for the anniversary

- Christmas coming up... I was Christmas shopping when I got the call

- This Saturday is M's birthday... he'll be 29, the age James was when he died

sigh, almost 4 years and it still isn't as manageable as I thought it would be. I miss you James xxx

[foreverlovedforevermissed]

Sad

That familiar feeling, underpinning my day. I miss you James. Thoughts, of your cheeky crooked smile and big broad chest that I hugged and snugged my face into.

I flipped through the pork cookbook I bought you tonight as I cried tears for you. I'm going to cook your roast pork and cranberry/raspberry sauce I think for your anniversary coming up.

I miss you so.

[foreverlovedforevermissed]

Winter

It's finally started getting cold in Chicago and at almost four years without James, the change in season has definitely brought up some sadness.

James loved the Chicago winter, he thought it was such a novelty having to put all the gear on and he was still even riding his bike to work in December.

The change in season also means the holiday season in almost upon us, and Christmas will always be difficult, grief hanging over the festivities. This will be my first Christmas/Anniversary in Chicago since he died and I'm still not sure what I want to do. Be with family and friends? Be with just M? Be alone? Stay in Chicago or go away somewhere? Do some of each for anniversary versus Christmas? All other years I've done a trip and combined both dates (2014 - Yosemite/San Fran, 2015 - Galapagos Islands, 2016 - Australia).

All these thoughts just lie close to the surface and walking out into the cold air tonight brought them to my attention.

I miss you James, I can't believe this will be the fourth Chicago winter you've missed xx

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I had a James dream last night. I haven’t had many James dreams, I think this may have only been my 3rd. Surprisingly as much as I wished for them particularly early on, I never had many.

Last night’s was sad, and lovely, and awful… and I don’t know what would have caused me to have it.

There was a lot of details I’m forgetting now, but the gist was that he was back. Over 3.5 years later and he was just back. He had just been away working or something and now he was here and it was just back to normal and it was SO good seeing his beautiful face and talking to him about his work (supposedly he had been off working on some intricate computer code for high end watches?! but was looking for a new direction now he was back and I told him to get into the electronic health record world, which is what I work on). I loved hearing his voice again (he had such a distinctive low voice) and having big hugs. The only thing was, I was still married to M and I didn’t know how to tell him. How could I have rushed off and got married to someone else, why didn’t I just wait for him?! In my dream I berated myself, how could I do this?! But then in my dream I came back to my senses and realized I must have been dreaming, because James couldn’t have “just come back”… he’s dead. He isn’t coming back and I can’t put my life on hold waiting for him. And of course I know this. I know I have made the right decision. I love M and I have to continue to move forward. But it is still so upsetting when I get those thoughts that just hit me sometimes… He isn’t coming back. It is just so bitterly unfair. And I miss him and I hate that the world was robbed of such a beautiful, kind, smart and caring soul. It just isn’t fair. I love and miss you James xx

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Yesterday, on what would have been James' 33rd birthday, my day was filled with love and gratitude; honoring him in what has become an annual day of volunteering in his memory. We volunteered in Ann Arbor, MI at a soup kitchen in the morning and a foodbank in the afternoon, 2 of the best hunger relief programs we have ever seen as well as visited a great community coffee and tap house, where all profits also go towards hunger relief. We then also helped fight hunger by eating all the food, the most memorable meal being an amazing Cuban lunch, notable also because Cuba was James and my only big international trip we did together (other than moving to the states together!) Then of course an added bonus was seeing these great Big Carrots out the front of the Food Gatherers foodbank!! Thanks to everyone for their continued support, he was well loved, as am I xx

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Last Saturday, June 3rd, I married M in front of the world's largest rocking chair, in what was an absolutely perfect day. In the weeks leading up to the day I had been emotional struggling with the duality of two men sharing my heart. But I restarted counselling and after a single difficult session I felt much better and felt so at peace and happy in the lead up to the day. It was a wonderful day, everything I could have wanted. Truly perfect. I never could have imagined that I would be married. But right now, I can't imagine that I could be anything else x

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Trying to write my wedding vows... realized that the equivalent vows I wrote for James was his eulogy. Now I'm a mess, just re-read the words I wrote him. It just so terribly unfair that such an amazing person was taken from us.

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#breaksmyheart

James I did so many cool things together, which Facebook just loves to remind me of… this is us hiking up the Sydney harbor bridge. It’s also the photo a lot of Australian newspapers used in the articles about his death in the days following the accident. Urgh. I hate those Facebook memories. But I am so grateful the memories exist. #foreverlovedforevermissed

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Last Sunday I finally went to Milwalkee to watch the Bulls vs Bucks. This was the last text I sent to James, the night before he died. I was planning on buying him tickets for his Christmas present and I thought I was showing him how much I loved him by going to 2 Bulls games in a week (I also got cheap tickets for United Center through work and used to hate bball, but have since come to appreciate it having watched a lot of games for him).

It was a good game. Bulls won. And I also ate a Milwalkee hot dog… foot long pretzel bun, dog cooked in beer, with melted cheese and fried cheese curds… Very American, James would have loved it.

I miss you James. Glad that I can still continue to do the things I’d planned to do with you. This is one of the last ones on the list, thankful that I’ve been able to do so much with you in mind these past 3+ years xx

#foreverlovedforevermissed

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Almost a year without you. I still can’t believe it. I miss you. I love you.

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This quote... Sometimes you just need a good hard cry. Over three years and I still miss you so much.

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It seems that every time I have a bit of a lull, Facebook likes to throw in one of these ill timed memories… it’s so hard looking at our smiling faces from 7 years ago, a lifetime ago. I miss you James xx

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I still miss you dearly, you are always in my heart

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Today's chant:

I will do the best that I can do I will do the best that I can do I will do the best that I can do I will do the best that I can do I will do the best that I can do I will do the best that I can do I will do the best that I can do